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The day after the failed summoning at the motel was Saturday and because I literally had nothing better to do, I decided to visit my old friend, Noah.
I knew his address because we had stopped at his place the previous night on our way to the ouija party. It was a simple apartment building somewhere downtown. I was surprised. I had expected a mansion with bushes cut to look like poodles and a marble wishing well but I guess being a TV medium during the day and a scammer at night still isn't enough grinding to cover such costs.
It took me a bit to find his doorbell panel because I had forgotten that his last name wasn't actually Capricus.
Coming out of the intercom, his voice was brassy and I almost didn't recognize him.
"Who is this?"
"Hey, it's Jordan from work. I just wanted to check on you because of last night and see-"
A metallic click told me that the door had been unlocked so I pushed it open and made my way through the mundane stairwell. On the second floor, Noah was peeking out of his apartment and when he saw me, he waved hectically to get me to hurry up.
"Don't say anything," he hissed and pulled me inside so he could lock his door again.
"Why? Is the FBI spying on you?" Noah ignored the joke.
I looked around the room and apart from a framed and signed picture of his face, it looked fairly normal.
"I guess you're not into stars so much when you're off work, huh?"
"Why would I keep that stuff in my hallway?" Noah pushed open the door to another room and shooed me inside.
It was dimly lit, silver curtains were covering the windows. There were two armchairs in the middle of the room, both decorated with embroidered pillows. When I looked closer I saw that they were showcasing star signs. How...tasteful.
The walls were full of posters, fairy lights and tapestries, there were plants standing in the corners and somewhere an incense stick was spreading its odour, making the room smell like a mix between a high-class strip club and a Sunday afternoon at church.
I had no interest in staying in this room whatsoever but Noah already pushed me over to one of the armchairs and forced me to sit down.
"Would you like some tea? I just brewed an ivy and moonflower one, it will get your chakras glowing again in no time."
"No thanks, I don't need a drink right now."
Confused as to why I rejected his amazing elixir, Noah raised his eyebrows but then he sat down as well.
"I'm sorry about being a bit rough just earlier but these walls have ears. My neighbors already think I'm crazy. If they hear about my summonings, they'd probably sign a petition to kick me out."
And who could blame them? I wondered if Noah listens to whale noises at 5am while doing yoga. I wouldn't be surprised.
"Alright, what is the reason behind your visit?"
The truth was:
I need more karma points to go to heaven so I'll have to play nice with you and ask you for forgiveness on my dead self's behalf.
But what I said was:
"Well, you seemed very shaken yesterday so I got worried. And you left before I could tell you something important."
Noah gasped. "You're gay."
"W-what? No! I wanted to-"
"Look, I feel really flattered but although it may be hard to believe because I'm so in sync with my feminine side, I am not attracted to men. I'm sorry, Jordan."
I had to blink a few times, making sure I wasn't dreaming.
"I'm not gay."
"Oh."
"Look, what I wanted to say is that I think it might have been my fault that Parker appeared yesterday."
Noah's facial expression changed. He seemed taken aback having to hear my name again but at the same time he was confused and curious.
"Why? You didn't know him. He was there to taunt me even beyond the grave."
Right. As if I would waste my time haunting somebody. The best thing about death is that you get rid of all people so why would I want to force myself back into their lives? Especially when it's someone I didn't even like?
"Actually, Parker and I were good friends."
Noah looked at me in disbelief, his hands clasping the armchair. "So that means you…"
He jumped up, his voice now loud. "You faked everything! You knew who I was so you decided to work at Astro TV to bully me! You PSYCHO!" "What? No! I had no idea who you are, he never mentioned you!"
And that wasn't a lie. Not a single time when I hung out with friends from different schools did I mention Noah. I mean, why would I have? There were more important things than Noah f*cking Henderson.
I slowly got up as well. "I swear, I don't know you. I mean he did talk about ripping on some of his classmates and how much he hated himself for that."
Noah raised an eyebrow and asked: "He did?"
"Yes. I mean he would always brag about making fun of people but he and I were really close, he told me stuff he never told anyone else about. And I swore to keep them to myself but now seeing you suffer like this… Maybe he appeared yesterday to apologize and didn't have a chance because you ran away."
I sighed, trying to put as much sorrow into my face as possible and looked onto the floor.
"Of course I understand that you don't want to hear it. I just wished Parker would have had a chance to own up. I should probably leave now."
I turned around and started walking towards the door, my shoulder hanging.
"Wait."
I stopped, a grin flashing across my face. Then I turned back around. "Yes?"
Noah sat down on his chair again, looking at me with unsure eyes.
"You're right, I don't want to ever have to talk about Parker again. But I do want to give you the chance to talk for him. You know, maybe his spirit is stuck on Earth because of me and he needs to apologize to move on."
And with that, for the first time ever, Noah had actually been right with his celestial bullcrap. In a sense I was stuck on here because of him. Because ridiculing him for years ruined my karma and brought me here.
"Alright, thank you." I sat down and intertwined my fingers, avoiding Noah's face to keep up the mourning-friend-about-to-reveal-intimate-things facade.
"Parker had told me on several occasions that he wasn't happy with the way he treated people, especially his classmates and parents. He always acted cold to make sure no one would come near him."
"But why?"
I sighed.
"Because...he didn't really like himself much. He was always tearing himself down for being selfish and lacking empathy so he thought if he was to make those things his brand no one could hold it against him."
Suddenly, I wasn't sure anymore which words were just for show and what was the actual truth but something had opened inside of me and I couldn't stop myself.
"To him it was always easier to hate someone than to befriend them because you cannot lose something you don't have and with any friend he did make he was terrified they'd find out who he truly is and leave him. So instead he always saw the worst in everyone. Take his parents for example. They weren't used to showing much emotions and that's how he was raised but they loved him and did their best to build a great life for him and he knew that. But Parker got so scared he wouldn't be able to live up to their expectations and let them down that instead he pushed them away from him and told himself that they are horrible human beings that don't care,."
I fell back into my seat and took a deep breath. Then I realized what I just said and my heart started beating faster.
I had just told Noah Henderson my deepest darkest secrets. I had told him more than I had ever admitted to myself. I bared my soul, the one thing I was always trying to hide in fear of others' reactions. And I couldn't take it back.
Noah was sitting there, his face was empty and he was staring on the ground. He stayed silent for a while.
"I didn't know any of that."
"You couldn't have."
"It doesn't make the bullying okay though."
"It doesn't. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. And I wish he was here to apologize to you but…"
And then something happened that I would have never expected.
I started crying.
I'm dead. I killed myself.
And I wasn't sure anymore if it really was a careless accident.
I knew what I was doing. But I kept pushing.
Maybe I did wish to be dead.
"F*ck, I'm sorry." I quickly wiped away the tears but Noah had already turned around and was now handing me a sparkly blue handkerchief.
"Don't apologize for your emotions. Ever."
I took the piece of fabric and started drying my eyes but the tears kept coming so I just silently cried into it.
I was dead. But the people who I've hurt with my stupid selfishness were still suffering. And it was too late for me to fix that.
I was sitting and crying in Noah's apartment, the apartment of the guy who I had mercilessly tortured all throughout highschool - spreading false rumors, pushing him into the street, taking pictures of him in the changing room and getting his friends to join in on it.
'Henderson is such a weirdo. That cunt deserves to be beaten up.'
Yes, maybe Noah was weird but at least he knew who he was and even through the bullying he always stayed true to himself.
I never had the guts to do that. I twisted and changed myself until I had become a walking shadow that would hurt anyone who didn't treat him as being invisible.
I strangled myself until I had become unrecognizable. Even to myself.