When I awoke, thankfully it wasn't to my hair being pulled or my cat jumping onto my stomach frantically. I swear that thing was out to get me, like it had some internal clock that could time when it was good to attack. Because, coincidentally, she always managed to wake me up right before my alarm went off. In case you were wondering, my cat's name was Snuffles. And you can't judge me for it because I named her when I was like eight or something. Regardless, that cat was a menace, even though I was the only one who said so. I had a theory that Snuffles would save all of her unwarranted anger while she cuddled up to my mom or my sister while I went to school.
My little sister, Ruby, was always at the house because she was home schooled . She had aspergers, and no schools around our area had a special education program that could really suit her needs. It's not like she was non-verbal or anything serious like that. If you met her, you would've thought she was like any other kid. She just learned a lot different from other kids and my mom thought it best that she teach Ruby herself. Even I thought it was a good idea, especially since Ruby wasn't exactly treated nicely at her school. But, unfortunately and yet fortunately, this led to my mom and Ruby to become very close over the years. And being the oldest only added to the fact that my mom began to severely baby Ruby, and severely emotionally neglect me. It's not that I blame her, I just wish things had ended up a little different. Maybe I would be happier now if my mom had seen the signs early enough. Maybe I would have never gone through what I did with Tyler if she had checked in on me when she heard me crying in bed late at night all of Sophomore year. It was too late to know, and far too late to talk to her about it. I didn't want to hear the rebuttal to my confession so I stayed as silent as a lamb all through the years.
But, on the bright side, my sister became a lot happier when she finally left public school to continue the 5th grade at home. She even felt comfortable enough to joke around with mom, or tell me about her newest interest. Ruby had a way of hyper-fixating on one specific thing for a long period of time. It started with old movies, then superheroes, and after that realism art, and so on. There was no limit to what could potentially pique her inherent curiosity. When she fell in love with something, she wouldn't just look into it. She would positively study it. It was fascinating how she could talk for hours about one thing like it was just the best thing in the world and then move onto something else the very next day. Despite what you might think, I actually loved it when she would ramble to me about her newest discovery. It told me she actually wanted to share these temporarily very important things to me, and that she felt safe talking about it without the fear of being judged.
I rolled out of bed and onto the floor where I intended to then stand until I realized that, wow the floor was so comfy. I felt my eyes almost slip closed until they snapped back open with a jolt as my alarm finally went off and I was forced to get up. Everytime I let it go for too long my mom would talk my ear off about 'waking up the whole neighborhood' and giving her migraines. I continued to let it go off sometimes, maybe in spite, maybe by accident, who knows (I do). I still vividly remember the morning when I woke up to my mother throwing my alarm clock against the wall where it unplugged from the force. This caused me to jump from the spot on my bed and look at her guiltily as her piercing gaze stabbed into me like tiny daggers. While on the inside I was laughing so hard at the utter look of fury on her face. It made her look like Gollum if he was having a stroke. That day I was forced to do all of the laundry and dishes but damn, it was so worth it.
I threw on an oversized t-shirt and baggy jeans that I found in the mess that was my dresser before going to look for socks. I heard my phone go off as I stepped into an old beat up pair of grey converse and messed with my hair. I picked it up from my nightstand and looked at the notification. It was Kai. The text said, 'good morning' with a smiley face attached at the end. I grinned to myself like an idiot and tucked the phone into my pocket, deciding not to reply. I'd see him at school anyways, so what was the point?
Compared to what I usually wear, this was my version of actually trying which that within itself was suspicious. What was even more so was that I sprayed a bit of body spray before leaving my room. I literally never did stuff like that, not even for "special occasions". The bottle I wore was probably from the 7th grade when I actually cared. So why did I suddenly care now? I of course knew the answer to that but instead of facing the truth like a mature human being I decided to torture myself with meaningless breakfast banter with my willowy and hallow mother.
I truly think she lost herself when my dad left. Shortly after he signed the divorce papers my mother began to dwindle, both her soul and her body. Dark rings appeared under her eyes and you could most commonly find her on the couch with a bottle of Smirnoff and Date line on the Television. Not exactly sure why that was her choice of time spending but I couldn't complain. When she was drunk she didn't give a shit about anything except for crying and herself, which means her not noticing when I snuck out or when I'd skip out on chores. Didn't get to savor it for too long, sadly. She began to see a man named Darren, or Mr.Green as I was forced to call him. Suddenly she was all smiles and laughter, nothing like the woman I knew her to be. At that point I couldn't tell whether she was pretending for him or if she actually was that happy. Regardless of how she treated us, I hope it was real. While she was with him, it's like she actually took interest in our lives. She would come to my volleyball tournaments and even play video games with Ruby in her free time. I'd like to think that it was because because she wanted to but, realistically it was probably because she wanted to keep appearances with Darren. I tried not to think about it too much. And I never ended up asking her. He ended up leaving anyway, and she moved onto the next dude, and the next, and whoever else would pretend to love her until they got bored.
Walking into the pseudo dining room was the same as always. My mom pretending to care as I attempt to make my coffee without smashing the cup into the counter. Interestingly enough, she wasn't at the table. Now you may be thinking, "well that's normal, she probably had something to do". But you didn't know my mom. She never had something to do. Ruby followed in after with her pajamas on, going to pour herself a bowl of cereal before making the same realization as I did.
"Where is mom?" Ruby poured the milk into her bowl as she glanced at the empty seat at the table in confusion. She probably was more concerned about it than I was. She had a lot of anxiety when things didn't go according to routine, or whatever routine she had made up in her head.
"I have no idea, and I don't really care." I grabbed the creamer out of the fridge before flinching at my choice of words. "I'm sorry, I know you're probably worried about her. I didn't mean to sound rude." I winced in guilt. Ruby sometimes got really intense stomach cramps when anxious, something we had in common. I was afraid I might've made it worse.
"No, it's okay, I know you didn't mean it like that. I'm fine anyways, I was just wondering." She says this like she's all nonchalant but I saw the way she constantly looked over to our moms chair. I could tell it was bothering her.
The table was a circle white table top, something you'd find in a cafe but this one had a bit of wear and tear due to old age. I believe it used to be the table my mothers family used in her childhood home. My mom didn't want to let it go after her parents died and the house was given to the bank so she decided to keep it with us. As a keepsake of some sort. That was something my father and her argued about a lot. She had a really hard time letting go of things. Especially things in relation to her youth. She loved to rave on about how beautiful and popular she was back in highschool while clouds of smoke billowed from her lungs.
Sometimes I think she may have blamed us for her misfortunes in her adult life. Like somehow her having kids took away any chance she had at happiness or love. And it's not like I was wrong for assuming that. In fact, she actually told me directly to my face how much she regretted having me in the midst of whiskey and the fire alarms low battery beeping away in the background. I was only 7 years old and there she was, screaming bloody murder at me about how she could've been great, she could've fallen in love again if it hadn't been for me. She cried to me about how my father was a poor excuse of a man and that she should've never married him. Me, being a child, managed to internalize all of this and allow it to boil under my skin for most of my life after that. See, my hate for my mother didn't come with a lack of love. I loved my mother wholeheartedly. It's just that, I think somewhere along the line she forgot how to love me back.
I put my thermos in the side pocket of my backpack and caught myself swarmed in thought. I had a problem of getting lost in my own mind without even noticing what's going on around me. Ruby then tapped on my shoulder and I snapped back into focus, the pieces of my surrounding slowly piecing together in my head. I turned to her and apologized for spacing out.
"It's fine, you just had me worried for a sec." She assured me. I turned to her.
"I'm heading to school, lock the door behind me. I made your lunch, it's on the left side of the fridge. If mom isn't here before 10, call me. I'll-"She interrupted me.
"'cut class and walk home so you aren't in the house alone all day', yeah I know. Just go already." She says this snarkily but without malice as her lips form a small smile.
"Alright, alright. Love you." I kissed her forehead and headed towards the screen door, letting it slam shut.
"Love you too!"