"What?"
He was confused, why I offered him, the person who spoke bad about me, to be my knight.
"My Lady." Mina whispered.
I turned around and she lowered her head to my ear.
"What about Kian Lyon? When you were little, you wanted him to be your knight."
My eyes searched for Kian. As I saw him looking at Luan, he was frustrated.
He clenched his jaw.
I turned my gaze back to Luan.
"I offer you to be my personal knight.
Actually, I think you don't have much right to say something against it, because of my and your status."
He obviously was angry. And also hated that he couldn't do much against it.
He took a deep breath as if he wanted to say something, but sighted lastly.
"As you wish, Lady Zephyra."
Kian's face went blank.
I honestly don't want to cause stress and dislike among these knights.
I actually don't care, since I don't know them.
I also don't understand why he's so upset over something like this.
"Haa, I guess it can't be helped."
"My Lady?"
"Sir Lyon, I want you to train me. If needed, you can come on big events with me, also as my personal knight.
Luan. I want you by my side whenever you are called.
If needed, we might have a knight coronation because of that."
Kian's face lightened up. His eyes sparkled.
Luan's face remained neutral.
Honestly, if I knew it would make such a big fuss meeting them, I wouldn't have come.
I kind of regret it.
But atleast I secured my safety twice.
By having a personal knight, and training swordsmanship and defence.
"You may continue your training. Have great afternoon."
I said.
"May the Lady have a good afternoon." The knights said in a chorus.
I turned around, with a slight sad smile on my face and waved looking over my shoulder.
Was that a too modern way of saying good bye?
Whatever, I don't care anymore.
I'm exhausted.
Mina followed me, as we walked into the mansion.
"Lady, you haven't eaten lunch yet.
Are you sure, you want to skip?"
I stopped. Without turning around, I said
"No, thank you. I'm planning on skipping dinner too. But just in case, bringing me some sandwiches would be nice.
Then, I will be in my study."
"As you wish." She said and went to the kitchen.
I passed the corridors, went up the stairs.
I opened the door to the study room.
The room was covered with a orange-rose colour, because of the sunset.
Mina came and brought me some handmade sandwiches.
"Thank you, Mina. I truly thank you."
"It is my duty to serve you, my Lady. And I do it with passion."
She said.
Yes, you do it with passion, because it's not Zephyra.
It's me.
I don't know how you would behave would it be the real Zephyra.
"Please don't enter this floor. You may rest now. You worked hard."
"Thank you, my Lady. Is there anything else I could bring you?"
"No." I smiled.
Click.
The door closed.
Finally.
I was alone.
Automatically, I fell down, collapsed on the floor, I was now on my knees.
I sobbed uncontrollably.
I cried, screamed, hoping they wouldn't hear me.
My head, my heart hurt.
Finally.
I can scream.
I can cry.
Without being scared someone might find out.
That I'm not Zephyra.
I went over to the desk, and sat on the chair, still sobbing.
I opened the drawer right under the desk.
There were tissues and a little mirror.
I looked at myself, while I was still crying.
Wow, she still looks beautiful, even though I cried my eyeballs out.
It's still terrifying. To look at a strangers face while being the face.
Not that she was ugly. No.
She was a true beauty.
But I forgot how my old self looked like.
How I looked like when I laughed.
How I looked like when I was terrified, sad, scared, glad.
How I looked like when I was loved by my aunt.
How I felt her comfort.
How I smiled at her, while she prepared some tea.
How I cried, while sitting on the road with the little boy, whose name I still don't know of.
How my dad looked down on me, even though I gave my best.
How my mum died in the hospital, and when I was left alone.
Oh, how I miss you mum.
I'm sorry for being a child like this.
Who you can look down to.
Who doesn't now what true love is, now that you are gone.
I'm scared, that I might forget how you looked like.
Your calm, warm smile, while I was talking passionately about something.
Your warm hugs, whenever I had a bad dream.
Your encouragement, whenever I felt down.
How you told me about your first love, while I was wondering what true love means, and if I'll ever feel it.
How you stood by my side, whenever dad was screaming at me.
Why didn't you divorce him?
Why did you still stay in that marriage?
If it was for me, why did you gave up your happiness?
We could've just run away.
How...
How did you even look like?
I don't have a picture of you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry for not remembering your face.
I'm sorry that you couldn't get your happiness, because of...
Me.
Is it a sign to let you go?
But how could I ever forgive myself?
I sat there still. Enjoying the sudden silence.
Until I heard something.
"I love you. And I'll always love you, Alisa."
Alisa.
Right, that is, perhaps it was my name. In my world.
I almost forgot, what my name was, now that I also forgot how I looked like.
But I heard her voice.
The voice of the woman I loved the most.
I heard it.
I could see her face.
How beautiful she truly was.
How she deserved the world.
As if she heard me.
As if she forgave me.
As if it was a sign to let go of her.
I smiled, still crying.
She gave me the look whenever I did something great.
As if she was telling me
you did great, and you will do great.
Her face slowly faded away, as I let go.
Her face fading away, memories still there.
But most importantly.
Her love towards me.
Thank you for loving me, mother.
I love you.
I thought, while I fell asleep.