How come my breath is so airy and always comes back to tingle me in the face? How come all thoses stars, seem to fall on me like a ceiling and brush my face from the sadness? That pixie dust hovering over my troubled face, those massive black holes that seem to gravitate towards me, and only me. So maybe that's what it feels like to be the main character of your life. To be...human. To rephrase the fact that the ceiling seems on the verge of squeezing you like a lemon into such a beautiful metaphor. As if cosmic energy was a game and I were the record-breaker, the victory dealer, the Phoenix that never stops coming stronger out of its own ashes, ever.
But truth of it all, this rosy lens, heavenly representation is nothing but a fantasy inside my mind. If something cosmic was really in the air, it looked more like aliens or intruders to me. Now that I can't sleep, distorting reality didn't seem that hard. In fact, it never seemed hard.
It's 6:30 now. Finally a decent time to "wake up". More accurately, push the sheets away and jump out of bed. I knocked on Suzy's door. She was wearing a pink silk dressing gown, decorated with fuzzy edges, just like the one you'd see Sabrina Carpenter wearing in the beginning of "Sue Me"'s music video. Her eyes were sore and she glanced at me with bafflement.
"Cecilia?"
"Why has Mitch been here and no one arrested him?"
"You'd like him to be even if he's your dad?"
"Bad news travel fast! Well, yes, actually. I'm more professional than that."
"Good for you."
"Now please tell me why you let him get away with it after everything?"
"He threatened me. Your dad is a powerful man, Cecilia."
"That might be an understatement."
I had a second of reflexion, that allowed to realize to what dramatic extent the going had gotten tough.
"You see, the thing is he has answers we may desperately need."
Her glance deepened, her irises seemed as if they had been stroke by lightning, or thunder, or both.
"Elaborate."
"I believe Aurora died for an ideal, or for some piece of data that was either bothering her or him. And you can trust me, I'm not making stabs in the dark."
"Evidence?"
"No time to tell you. We might as well hurry if we want to catch a train to wherever he is."
"Why all this, Cecilia? Don't you think we've lost enough?"
"Well that's precisely the matter. We need to gain advantage in our race against the evil, and he knows the keys to the anticipation process. He told us too little about it, now it's time he saw the stakes."
"I can tell you everything he taught me. He only stopped giving us his weirdass clues because we thought it would be too dumb not to shut him off. And that we did. But do you think hindsight would change a thing?"
"You stopped this League because nothing was going forward. And that's what's occuring now. You chose us because you saw assets in us, and we can still be if we take the risks that should be taken. For things to be better than before, we ought to think differently than before."
"I'll give you a point for this. But please, I can't afford to lose you. Not since I let Iris and Isabel die. And I can't lose my son, either. Please, Cecilia. There are things to lose, keep that in mind. Don't act as if it were some damn video game."
"I pinky promise I'd give my life over Brian's at any situation."
"That's not what I'll make you promise, Cece. It'd be so easy. I want you to promise to keep us all safe. Since you wanted to take over everything and make the competency and brilliance take off, start by getting this responsibility."
"Because you'd prefer to avoid it?"
"I love it when you sound like my daughter. No, but because you asked for it. You know what? I'll manage the rest of the staff, including myself. But if either you or Brian die, I won't forgive you."
When I expected it the least, she hugged me. I kept caressing her dark wavy hair to stay hung up on the moment and keep my claws on it. Easy to freak out when you notice the possibility of your dad killing you in no time. For some reason that you still don't get. All you know is that his power abuse could even make your boyfriend kick the bucket.
Suzy's clothes were warming me up, silencing the thoughts in my head. I kept desperately pulling her T shirt with my nails, and soon afterwards I realized I was wetting her hair, neck, and collar. She gripped me tight and when she put some distance between us I saw the tears in her cheeks, too.
"Now tell me, Suzy. What do you know that I don't?"
"Apparently, he resarched a lot on time dilation, when he had the resources to, as he's a former scientist. He realised everything could be seen from a global point of view. He sent a drone into a black hole to see if the whole past and future thing could be gathered in a video, or a capsule, or as a living glimpse, or at least in the form of quantum information. And he did. He had everything in a usb key that he left in his cupboard. We avoided, and it's safe to say everyone hated that little witty thing that knew - allegedly- more on us than we ever were to know on ourselves. We accused him of being on drugs, or too much alcohol, or vaping, or whatever. He decided to shut the whole past vs. future endeavor and started making us believe the Anticipator thing was real to justify all the scarily good decisions he kept taking. He eventually had kids with the most magnetically powerful women in the team ; your mom and your aunt. That made an excuse for you and your brother's anticipation, so that we wouldn't ask much questions and just swallow his 'remix'. Of course, I know, everything can't be coming from the time dilation concept, but I guess there has to be something there. The key is still in the cupboard, even if I'm convinced Aurora saw something to it. That's why she's dead, you're right. But I don't know more. "
I kept starring at her in disbelief.
"OK. Maybe I do. But process this first. You can pick the key if you want to find your father. But don't commit suicide, please."
"So you knew and you keep handling this so normally? You didn't even think of trying to investigate to see what you made your resilient daughter go head over heels like that?"
"My daughter is.... was a sentimental human like you and I. Everyone falls head over heels at least once in their life. It just happened at the end of hers."
"Are you still in the mood for puns?! You didn't even tell me anything? Where's the trust when we were supposed to be a team, a hella team ! You keep everything from me as if being a kid prevents me from acting the way I should and making the right decisions. Why can't I not be mistrusted for once!"
"Stop being so blunt, will you? I can't hear you complain about things like that... I.. Kne...w..; Aurora came to me to tell me she watched the whole damned capsule. She spent weeks visualising it in her room, with the lights off and the wall's LEDs on. And a blanket on her knees. I kept coming in to bring her water and sandwiches. She saw one day she'd kill her brother when they'd become my successors to leading the League. Because, yes, I am the leader! And she wanted Bry alive more than anything, almost more that she wanted to rest free and have a peaceful conscience. I told her we could figure it all out. We could change the events. But she said the only way to efficiently change a story was to remove a character. I said characters grow, and the Universe's vibrations change. Time can be changed, transformed and shifted, and she acted convinced. But... did I play dumb or was I actually dumb? Kinda hard to tell. She simulated her murder with the help of your father, Cece, and I can't blame him because I'm the first to blame. But don't get me wrong, he did kill your mother."
"Then why didn't you stop throwing under the bus, Suzy, why? When it all had nothing to do with me, when my only friend didn't ask me for help when she was falling apart, when my own dad was about to finish my own mom, when I had nothing, why did you manage to make me even more miserable than I already was?"
"I'm sorry, Cecilia, I couldn't talk about what I saw. Or heard. Or simply deduced. I'm a mom, I can't announce to the world that my daughter killed herself when I, myself, was in utter denial. Understand me, Cecilia, I know you can."
"No I can't. I don't have a mom anymore so I forgot what mothers are supposed to do."
I could've said : "You didn't watch out." or "You could've cried at her funeral." or "You could've insisted that I came to kiss her forehead before she got to sleep inside her grave." But I knew it wouldn't have made her any more sympathetic. And my mom's death wasn't her fault, either. I just saw loneliness in very corner of the room, of my mind, and of my heart. No one sounded accountable anymore. Maybe Brian. But that was it. And I missed the days when I didn't go digging into the past, when my mum had somehow managed to get a normal life where I had normal dreams, ambitions of becoming a graphic designer and burning the turkey on Christmas. When a visit from grandma was enough to light up my day, along with her warm scones...
Wait.
My grandma. Maybe someone could finally land me out of this nonsense.
I started scrolling through my phone, looking for her number. I locked myself in my room and listened to her engage the conversation.
"Hey, baby girl! What happens for you to remember me?"
"So you don't know?"
"Not know what? Did something happen, sweetie?"
She didn't know her second daughter was also dead by now. I tried not to crumble when I told her :
"Mom's dead."
She let out a gasp of surprise and soon all I heard through the line were sobs and shrieks. I couldn't judge her, because God knows how abandoned I felt when I knew. Plus she loves her more, because she's her mother.
"Please. I need you."
"Where are you?"
"At The League. AKA The Energy Unit. Does that speak to you?"
"I'll be there tomorrow morning, so I can bring you back. I guess you'd like to start over?"
Her voice wasn't of one who was reminiscing butterflies and roses, that's for sure."
"I wish I could. Some things are haunting me and there's absolutely no escape if not figuring out the truth. It would be amazing if we could communicate from a distance. Don't come. No unnecessary conflicts needed."
"Okay, then. You need information, right?
"Right. But please, keep a lid on it. No one needs to know what kind of bloody mess I'm in."
"I hope it doesn't hurt you like it does me."
"Doesn't matter, honestly. Good night, Granny."
"Good night, baby girl. You deserve it."
I wasn't alone. There is Granny and Brian. And, I hate to break it to myself, but there is Evan.
Isn't he honest, at least?