Searching for answers, reading the Bible has proved nothing satisfying or comforting. I ask myself, what's the point. My life isn't what I thought it would be as an adult. I'm consistently looking for answers.
though life has many breaking points, my life has just been a huge disappointment that never ends.
I pray, pray and pray. still no evidence from above. will there ever be an end to my suffering?
Probably not. I walk in my bedroom to see the usual cluster of beds and kids, and baby laying in them contently. They look so happy, just laying there with their little eyes closed. "What could they possibly be dreaming of, being so new to the world?"
As I ask seriously, no one answers. there's no one there to answer. My mind throws me into a quick depression, and I toss myself onto the burnt up, dirty and messy bed of mine. Laying there I hear squawks. Finally one of the 3 is waking up to start a good, happy day. That's just an assumption.
Who would've thought. That I, Ashley, would have 4 kids at the age of 27. I never really wanted children growing up. I've been spoiled my entire life. and didn't expect to share a spotlight with Anyone. But here I sit, with 3 out of 4. the darkness in my heart is constant and I try not to let it suppress my complex. "You're a good momma ash", I say to myself. "It'll be okay".
As I get lil will tp the living room to change his diaper, I hear noise in the room. I run back in to find no one else is awake yet. "strange" I thought.
"okayyyy"..
what's next? am I going crazy too? fuck man. it's never ending.