Han Ye-an started to treat me like her younger brother from some point in time, but I didn't accept her. I didn't accept anybody, to be honest.
I had been too wild since I was a child.
'Teacher~ Se-yoo is bullying the other kids again.'
'Teacher! Se-yoo is fighting again!'
My personality was a bit more aggressive and different compared to other kids. I was strangely attracted to fighting and always walked along the streets picking on others. I acted polite and nice in front of people I wanted to look good in front of like my mom, but I acted like a hellion towards other family members or other people.
So I was known as a problem child, and everyone seemed sick of my interest in violence.
There were times when even my mom gave up on me and clicked her tongue, but Han Ye-an didn't let it go.
'I'm going to send everything and get you suspended from school. Stop it. Don't do anything to ruin your own future.'
Han Ye-an threatened me with my weak points to try and get me to behave. When threats didn't seem to work, she came to school and made a big deal out of it in front of others, embarrassing me. So whenever I tried to behave every once in a while, she showered me with so much praise that it was almost overwhelming.
She played an even more active role in my life than myself. She trusted in me where even my own mother couldn't, and tried to understand and trust me where she could. When I came back home injured, she supported me wholeheartedly even without hearing the entire story.
Regardless of how factual it was, Han Ye-an treated me more like her younger brother than a problem child, so she tried to understand things that I couldn't even think of. Was that what changed me? I realized that I had to fold and give up some things in life to get by without causing problems. I started to look at life with a more healthier outlook.
Han Ye-an probably only saw me as I raged against the world, but she only seemed to see the good parts of me. I didn't know how to feel when she, someone who had only been aggressive and spiteful towards me, suddenly treated me as one of her own. I was elated for some reason. It was nice to get that kind of affection from someone who only ignored me previously. Han Ye-an accepted me more and more as time passed, so I was happy when our family suddenly had tragedy strike. I liked being on the receiving end of her free, unwavering attention.
Even though she accepted me as one of her own, she didn't demand the same of me. She just showed me continued interest in myself and waited patiently. And that was how I let someone else into my heart, alongside my mother.
When our finances became rough, Han Ye-an always fixed things around the house. Electronic devices took at least ten thousand won* or more, so she always tried to repair things as much as she could. Personally, the only class I had an average of 70% or higher was in math, so the two of us always wracked our heads and tried our best to repair things together.
I wanted to become a pillar of strength for Han Ye-an, so I studied as hard as I could and researched as much as I could. Then, when Han Ye-an seemed to see me with a renewed gaze at my successful repairs, I decided to shift my future goals to math and science altogether. I liked achieving something after working with Han Ye-an, so I studied and tried my best to be able to teach her more. To be honest, if it wasn't for her then I would've gone into health or physical training as my future occupation. Taekwondo or kendo, something like that.
Our lives were smooth coasting until our parents passed. Our lives began to slowly shatter, little by little. Han Ye-an also began to shatter, little by little. We were running a marathon as if it was a sprint. Our lungs were burning, slowly getting ready to combust as we ran without knowing when we could rest.
I'm sorry to our parents, but I was more sad about the fact that Han Ye-an had to let herself go than the fact that they had passed. Even walking looked overwhelming for Han Ye-an after their deaths. I was angry at how she tried to take responsibility for me even as she became wrecked, so I left home often. I hated seeing Semi or Yehwan pester Han Ye-an around the house. I left home and went back to fighting and roamed the streets.
I was too young. I still regret it. I was stupid. I shouldn't have done that. I knew what she wanted and what she needed, but I avoided it. I had realized everything too late. I thought that if I wasn't in her sight, then she wouldn't care about me. I was foolish.
I didn't think of sharing her burdens and instead burdened her more. I only realized that I was slowly eating away at her towards the end.
I only tried to run away. I think I ran away from everything because I wasn't used to our family being forcefully tied together. I only finally accepted her after she hid her suffering behind her liveliness. I finally began trying my best and accepted her as family only towards the end. I started to care for Semi and Yehwan, the others she took in as her own, and thought of them as my own. I wanted to take on some of the responsibility that she had.
And then, just when I felt like I was finally paying off my debts towards her,
Han Ye-an returned in front of me as a corpse.
I was shaken from my roots. I felt numb. I think I stopped breathing then, too. My ears felt stuffed and I felt like someone had stabbed my body open from the inside.
I almost made another stupid mistake because of the sadness I felt after losing her. Thankfully, I read the letter that Han Ye-an had left behind before I had lost it again, and then I tried my best to protect the things that she had tried to protect while stretching myself thin.
I think I was the most active right after Han Ye-an died, and I had to take responsibility for my younger siblings. Semi and Yehwan were sobbing uncontrollably, and I couldn't let myself do the same. My siblings and I were everything to her, so I had to keep all of us safe.
I lived as hard as I could to keep myself sane, and I smiled as I took care of my siblings. Han Ye-an probably got through each day doing the same thing right after our parents' deaths. Now that I was in the same position as her, I felt the same things she must have gone through. It was incredibly difficult, so my heart hurt even more.
All of the feelings that I couldn't express about her death always seemed to express themselves in my dreams.
And then, one day, Han Ye-an appeared in my dream. She yanked at my hair with a prim expression and tone before pulling me into a hug and soothed me. I broke into sobs in the arms of my older sister, who had been a pillar of support in my life.
'I miss you, I want to see you, please... You're not dead.'
I still wanted to deny it. I expressed all of the sadness I couldn't show in front of my siblings towards the Han Ye-an in my dreams. I clung onto her and refused to believe that she had died.
When I held her face with shaking hands, I realized that my hands were soaked with blood. The blood was coming from Han Ye-an. When blood continued to spill, I tried harder to cling onto her.
I knew what this blood meant. I was unwittingly admitting her death, as much as I wanted to forget it in my dreams.
'No, no, hey. No, please don't. No! Nuna! Han Ye-an!'
I hugged Han Ye-an as hard as I could as if I was clinging on to my last hope, even as she slowly turned cold in my arms.
When her body lost strength and her neck looked like it would snap to the side, I held onto her head with my hand. I carefully hugged her breaking body and leaned it towards myself. Her warm body grew colder and colder, and her black eyes lost focus and looked like the eyes of a doll.
When I raised my head, I was on the cold asphalt ground. Blood continued to spread outwards, and I could still hear the ringing of her phone echoing around us. I was begging with her. I wanted her to come back to life to say something, anything. I wished she could call my name, just one more time.
'Take me too. I can't handle it…..'
I stretched my hand towards her sobbing, gasping form.
When I woke up, I was back in reality. I clenched my hands into a fist and smashed it down into my bed, cursing life.
Whenever I felt like the continued nightmares and our life began to tighten around my neck, I took out a sheet of paper I kept in the second drawer in my room. The paper had turned yellow from time and was worn out, so I had placed it in a plastic zipper bag preciously.
The paper, dotted with blood, was the letter that Han Ye-an had written alongside her gift.
I rubbed one of the spots of blood with my finger. It was obvious, but it didn't go away.
My heart always ached whenever I took out the letter–I couldn't help but remember that time.
The letter felt like it was teasing me, but it was full of her honest, kind feelings as my older sister.
When I read parts of the letter out loud, I always ended up mimicking her tone. Ten years had passed, but I clearly remembered her gestures, her tone, and her stare.
Whenever I read the letter out loud, I couldn't help but get teary. I put the letter down.
My eyes felt warm and ready to spill tears, but I smiled. I rubbed at my eyes with my hands.
Semi and Yehwan were pretty calm and understanding of her death now. Han Ye-an was another beautiful, sad memory of their past.
They could both look back and think, "Han Ye-an was a great older sister." They could remember her when we wanted, and briefly forget about her when we were busy. They were different from me, who was still trying to forget her. I didn't like how lonely I was, so I even had a roommate from work to distract me from it all. That said enough.
Yehwan and Semi were both physically and mentally mature now. I didn't need to hide my emotions because I worried for their stability.
Unlike Han Ye-an, who was unable to show her true feelings until her death, I had the luxury of being able to be honest to my feelings.
My heart felt stuffy–I put my hand on my necklace, which held an orange and black gem. I touched the pointy tip of the necklace with the tip of my finger. Whenever I was nervous, I touched the tip of the necklace. It had worn down a lot now.
This necklace had been given to me by Yehwan a long time ago, but I had no idea who had given it to us. When I asked Semi, she said that a princess gave it to them. I had no idea what that meant.
Whenever I touched this necklace and the mysterious gem in it, my heart calmed down. I had never taken it off since. I liked the design, too, and I felt more energetic whenever I had it on me.
I got out of the house and got into my car to head over to the cinerarium.
I kept thinking of her as I drove. She had faded into the background when she should've shone the most. I had poked her face and had kept trying to wake her up even as I stared at her dead body.
I had hugged her dead body in my arms as I argued with the doctor, but they just shook their head. When the doctor told me that she was completely gone, I think I had passed out for a moment.
I was snapped out of my daze when I got a call from Yehwan and Semi. I listened to them complain and ask when I was going to bring the ice cream and watched as Han Ye-an's body was collected.
I felt like I was pushed into an icy river. I heard Semi complain about how both me and Ye-an were taking too long, and I couldn't bear it anymore.
I hung up the phone and burst into another round of sobs. I felt like my sanity was going to snap from her passing, so I resisted at first. But I wanted to keep my promise to Han Ye-an, so I turned my sight towards my siblings.