Personality is a type of character that is shown in an individual when you personally meet them. My personality was a weird one I suppose because the relation I make towards someone is all dependent on my mood.
While driving through the long run, you definitely pass by the off road, the most difficult road. You got the chance to choose the direction and unfortunately you chose the wrong way. Sometimes you get the chance to see and choose and sometimes you see the fog and let your fortune do the job. I am not stimulated every day to drive across the long road. I often take breaks and cheat myself on things I wish I couldn't have done. I got everything in life except stability. If I choose to do something today then the same mind drags me to the other thing. I went through terrible times and I believe those times are going to turn back and throw a shot with a different bullet. I am not stable and for sure people won't be. But that was my immature stage. I had 0 potential to understand that.
INSECURITY
I had so many insecurities being a teenager my moods decided on which to prioritize naming some of them:-
my skin tone my size my dark circles my breast my thighs my stomach my feet and hand my voice my laziness my nose my teeth my eyebrows my euta thulo euta sano aues my tedho smile and yeah that was the reason my dull appearance my big head my instability my whole face my whole body in total
I allowed a flat surface to determine my worth. and I often repeat this statement to freeze myself to be stimulated every-time and you can take a reference from this quote and decide applying these on regular basis.
"Decorate your mind before your wardrobe, A flat mirror cannot determine your worth"
We often have the capability to decide on what's wrong and what's right but the wrong way is the one your cardio chooses to beat. This chapter is more of my feels and experiences I felt after the sudden twinge in my teenage life. This was noted in the past and exposed here with a trust ha..ha.
THERE THIS GOES….
(Unconditional love residing on my head, I loved you with heart, And your expectations lied in the bed)
Me, a mud was most delighted the moment I got you, a planted flower and again glowed down the moment someone picked the flower and rotted in the cupboard.Me, a mud is still waiting for you to return to the right place which will never reverse the exact way you were here with me the last time
I engaged with someone and invested my regular days with him. Tears were unstoppable, rolled of my eyes after every thought of my head. First few days were everything! It felt so delightful and fortunate to collaborate and I initiated drawing expectations on my unknown mind. I penetrated myself to love a human who was a stranger to me yesterday. I now beat my trust to work on strangers and not the known ones. Never expected, a human enters the head and starts to go all over the nerves and blood, couldn't even stop that from happening cause sensing that as a whole life individual was probably the tremendous fault of mine. I wasted tons of time thinking and arranging space for someone who did not even remember I existed. He was elected as the leader of my moods. He is determined by daily vices. My love towards him did not even think of departing cause the way he got stuck in my heart was a never forgetting bond. Silly self, drowned in the dirty pool built by him. Thankfully I had my life jackets because I saved my self-respect more than myself. I was aware about the condition where a guy dips you with your innocence in the emotions of satisfaction. I probably learnt to say no to the negative pleasure of someone else. I even started knowing the interests of a old teen and paths to carry according to the happening incident. Passive heart was delaying to understand the fact. The thought of investing the ownself ;Onto his tiny heart, Which is lagging the generosity to let the lover in, I sense you as a whole life individual Apart from everything I went till now You match my every vibe,You occur my every thought And you are never mine!
Even though I cannot bring back trust for him, I love him! Despite knowing his dirty intentions living in his olden days. His ignorance was a turbulence, is a turbulence and will be a turbulence. Soon after clicking the send button after the end of my text caused a huge overthink and regret every time. Looking at the watch and waiting for his reply would be considered as a great time trash today and I promised myself to not love someone and the incident repeats and repeats. You made my nights hard to pass and my mornings hard to wake. You were the core of my routine determinant and the demarcation of my life. The single heart broke into pieces and had nothing for someone else. Had a touch with someone special after that, but again the notification of my previous man rang and made me realize of a man's want. Ignoring talks led to separation. Not a big deal! Because there were no expectations pushed in me for this kind of human. I learned a lot after this incident. I had a great transformation in me and my desperate childish head. Gap was building a mindset on I'd never have someone special and dramatic stuff like that. A lengthy duration got dragged to the trash. Every condition reminds me of you and increases the love in the whole manner knowing , you'll never ever turn behind and initiate to love me like back days. That was a real toxic relation, Everyday's overthinking of every text I received from you was breaking me into pieces.
Once,I imagined the enthusiastic moments with you,setted up millions of expectations and started to smile for no reason... instantly, I realized your goodbye and my smile concluded like you.
Nights are hard to pass away cause my sleep no longer takes my side, It holds up my stress every second and resides on my head each moment.
Biggest Moral of my existence is to never give my whole heart to the external ones because there's someone named 'ownself' who'll be there every moment.Olden days brought the heels to my tall present. I wanted to utter my every single piece of my heart to you and I want you to reverse and discover the correction. Cheeks were disappointed with me and my eyes cause everytime the eye releases a tear, silly cheeks have to absorb it no matter what. I don't want you to stay my side 24/7, just sta there. A sudden good bye is sudden injection in my soft heart which cracked up specific shiftless cardiac. I feel like everything is gone and your addiction due to the unfortunate habit you placed upon me. I sense a bad overthinking that shouldn't have occurred. My love losing your love has put my life at risk,separation from you is like poison it's killing my soul. First heartbreak but a literal giant lesson to the coming days.!!!!.
I had never written this amount of writings during the delighted times compared to the broken days .It always consumes your everything! Human nature prioritized the negative more than the positive so, this was expressed fully. I learnt a-lot after this incident and I hope to never dip myself to such conditions. I laughed a real hard at myself visualizing the memories of throwing such generous words to someone with an unexpected crippling outcome.