Growing up in a society where people believe that beautiful children are those who are rich and active, they are never shy around people, being a child I spent so much time looking forward to be beautiful in the eyes of people. At the same time I didn't know how to do all this with no guidance. I didn't want people hating me for not being active because I was very shy that I could not speak in a group of three for fear of being unliked. All I knew was to speak at home or with one friend or any random one person as long as they were not scarely. As the years were going I find myself losing friends one by one because I had no courage to hang around my friend's friends for fear that they may not find me funny.
My fear of talking in a group was affecting my school because I had to mix with other children in class, I felt very embarrassed when the teacher ask me to say something in class because the other children always laughed me when I speak because they sensed fear in my voice. At this point all I wanted was at least my family to support me and encourage me through this but instead my mother was calling me names like stupid! Foolish! Selfish! and many more and I can say that I have cried so much because of this.
I failed to define my behaviour on my own but something I knew was that I was better at somethings and bad at somethings but my family never cared about what I was good at all my mother and my siblings talked about me were my weaknesses. Sometimes I felt like running away from home but I had nowhere to go. All I wanted was to finish primary school and go to a secondary boarding school far away from home. I looked forward to this because that was my only way out from home to start a new chapter with new people around. In my mind I thought when I go to a boarding school I will start afresh because no one knows about me. And here I was promising myself to be active and funny once I get there. I was promising myself that I will overcome my fears of being unliked by people and I really looked forward to it because I spent so many years without laughing since I had no friends and my family enjoyed calling me names which were so demeaning.
When I finished primary school I prayed that my father should not deny me from going to a boarding school because he was always unnegotiable, and at that point the only times I remember talking to him is when he ask me to do something for me, or me asking for school uniform, shoes or books. We were so distant from each other and he never gave me and my siblings a change to interact with him as a family.