People often romanticize self-harm which shouldn't be acceptable. I've been in that battle and I almost didn't win. I go on blog sites and other social networking sites and find myself in awe when I see that people are making self harm seem like such a cool thing to do. I was at the age of 29 when I started cutting myself. I had no idea that I would ever escalate to that extreme, but it happened and I didn't know how to stop it for awhile. Life can be a tough road to drive, but you can never give up.
I'm a much healthier person these days, but back then I thought the pain was going to be never-ending. It was a constant "what if" every time I woke up. Wondering if I'd be able to stand still all day, or if I was going to get looked at funny. Self harm is something that can be controlled, but you have to tell yourself and pretty much force yourself to do so. Life is such a blessing and I've noticed how blessed I am to be living this life only just recently.
I'm content with my life and I will continue to be content with it for as long as I'm alive because I am here, no where else. I am in this body, living my life, being myself. It's crazy if you really think about it. We were each made to be put on this Earth for a purpose. A purpose some people are still trying to figure out. It can take days, weeks, months, or even years, but you will find your purpose.
When I found my purpose, I began to realize all of the little things that made me weaker and I decided to push them aside for good and never let them control me again. It saddens me to see young people of all genders and ages hurt themselves for believing that they are no good and have no use in this life. I feel like no matter what you instill in that person's mind, they will always try to find a way to hurt themselves over and over again. As did I when I was in that predicament, but it wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.
When I tell you I struggled with myself, I really had no idea what I was going to do in this world. But once I quit my job and left the country, I then began to realize that the problem only last temporary and all the pain that I've been through is the only way to make you stronger and a better version of yourself, self-questioning what would happen in the future- was the only thing that was making me feel worse. Sounds crazy, I know. I feel like a little girl made me cringe more and more everyday. I continued to live a life of questions and constant reassurance. I wanted people to reassure me that everything will get better, and some did. Those handful of people were my family members and some close friends. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for my journey and the conjoined help of conquering it from them.
That was always my number one fear: Not being society's version of "good enough." And since I thought I wasn't good enough, I felt like hurting myself might take away that feeling for the time being. As I'm writing this, I'm kind of rereading what I'm writing and I must sound so vulnerable, but the truth is… I was. This may be eye-opening to some of you and to others I may sound like a complete fool. In all honesty, that complete fool you may think I am when reading this is now the strongest person she never thought she could be because of the journey she's been through.
Life offers both a great deal of pain and undeniable happiness. You just have to make sure that you aren't stuck on to one for too long because if you were always happy you wouldn't know what it feels like to be sad or angry, and if you're always sad you wouldn't know what it feels like to be happy. Always trust your instinct and don't let go of the fact that you're never too late to follow your dreams. Don't be scared to move on. Have faith in yourself. Love yourself. You are the writer of your own story. Don't let what other people think dictate how you live your life. Kick self-harm in the ass and be your own hero because we all have it within us. We are beautiful in our own way. Make yourself an eye-opener to others and an inspirations!