That day, I followed her unwittingly to her door. She turned back a few times. She saw me. She knew I was following her.
But she was so beautiful.
* * *
My name is Takagi Tatsuo. Tatsuo means "Dragon man; one who reaches far." Just just like the words themselves state, my "dragon" reaches "quite far", if you catch my drift. Or perhaps it's more like "average farness". I'm not too sure, as I do not swing in the way that would cause me to have a reliable database of dragon length and girth.
Takagi Tatsuo (me!) was scuffing his too-long jeans along the station sidewalk and sweating. You see, I was on my way back from an idol concert. JKG41 - Japan Kawaii Girl's 41, a group of 41 of the most dazzling stars in across the nation. Large, beaming eyes full of heavenly light. Hair that felt like heavenly strings descending from the skies. Of all kinds of breeds and pedigrees, there was a girl in the 41 for every possible taste and preference. And so, two hours of raucous songs and dance had gone on, as I shook my cheerleader sticks and tried to activate my x-ray superpowers to see under their skirts.
And now, I would have to rush right to my part-time job at a convenience store. You see, I'm a freeter. Besides this job, I would be a complete NEET. But the story as for how I became a NEET will have to wait.
Eh...?
No way.
Suddenly, I saw Yoshioka Naomi - who typically went by the nickname "YoNa (Yona)". She was the headliner of the JKG41. She was on her phone, and her head was down, and her hair was covering most of her face, and she had a mask on, but it had to be her. I had bought ten of her CDs and attended sixty of her lives. She was at the peak of her career - no, life - as an idol.
Allow me to describe her just a bit - or you won't understand the depths of my fascination with Yona. She stood at 170 cm - way taller than the average girl here. Her smile - when she smiled, it was like she was whispering into your ear - "Be mine?" On all of the variety programs and vlogs she appeared on, of course, she was modest, cheerful, polite, reserved, and kind. But more than that, she naturally drew everyone else towards her.
No one on this Earth can explain it scientifically, but there is a thing called magnetism and it is a concept that applies to people. But contrary to the recluses who have given up on life, that believe magnetism is just a spectrum from lame to looker, there are various charges, and not just plus and minus. For example, perhaps an AB++- type would attract a ZY--+ type more than a ZY+-+ type. But along all the criteria, all the categories, types, Yoshioka Naomi attracted all magnets towards her.
Yes, rather than magnetism - in Yoshioka Naomi's case, it was more like an unyielding force of gravity. One of the fundamental forces of the universe.
Although, apparently magnetism is also a fundamental force of the universe.
That Yona, who attracted all the most beautiful men and women, from actors, writers, idols, singers, comedians, to her with her natural charm and yet Yamato Nadeshiko-esque atmosphere, was standing right in front of me.
My breath dilated. My eyes spun. All my sweat pores instantly started leaking. My breath... my breath... was I in a sauna? There was steam all around me. My eyebrow-length hair (my bangs stretched down to my eyebrows) was alternating between being perfectly straight and perfectly frizzy - at least, that's how it felt to me.
"Aa--!"
I involuntarily choked out a syllable.
Dozens of people walked by, people swiping their tickets at the gates, asking for instructions, families walking their kids home after a day outdoors, elderly walking home from a gathering of their own - but none of those details registered. This sea of people that simply refused to part between her and me, this raging sea, my boiling blood, and the angel standing in front of me were all I saw.
"--!!"
She put her phone away. Yoshioka Naomi put her phone away, lifted her mask, and smiled. Had she seen a funny text message? From who? Her parents? A friend? Surely not a lover! She walked. I followed. It was that simple.
It wasn't that simple. I had to keep my distance. Stay a bit farther away. Duck behind some confused-looking middle-aged businessman halfway on his way to karoshi so she didn't get suspicious.
Aaah, what am I doing, me!!!!
I simply wanted to get her autograph. I simply wanted to say hello. I didn't even plan on bothering her for a photo, as that would attract too much attention and bother her! I just wanted to tell her. That to this otaku, this NEET like me - she was my one saving grace. Of all the idols, in 2D and 3D I had witnessed, she was the only one that restored my faith in humanity.
I don't think I would be alive today if it weren't for her. Somehow - if I were able to bushwhack through the jungle of my social anxiety, and manage to convey just a simple "thank you" to her, that would be enough.
"So just walk up to her, dammit!"
People around looked at me. Oh, crap. Was Yona looking? She was. Oh God, she's looking here! She turned around after a bit, and I turned the other direction as well. I don't think she was suspicious of anything. But, I was most definitely a suspicious person.
Just go talk to her! Just walk up there and thank her! That's the savior of your life!
Of course, from a social psychological perspective, that worship of her was what made it even worse and harder for me to walk up to her.
So, she swiped her subway pass. As did I. She boarded the train towards Nishigaoka, which was roughly in my area. By which I mean, it was not at all near to anywhere I had ever set foot in my life, and was in fact 20 kilometers in the opposite direction of where my apartment was.
Ah... seriously... what am I doing... --!!
Suddenly I noticed. How did I not notice before? My heart thudded against my ribs. I couldn't breathe. That's right, I was so caught up in her face, and her hair, and her beauty, that I had not even realized.
This was a rare school uniform version of her!
I want to take a picture so badly. I can't though! That would be terrible. How creepy... ah, I want to beat myself up.
I stood holding onto the strap above me, which was my only anchor amidst the swerving of the subway car, which forced me to sway left and right, unsettling my heart further. She looked forwards innocently. Her eyes were so kind, so full of innocence. Her mouth... it was a bit pursed. So cute. Was she puzzling over what to have for dinner? I was a big fan of how she didn't use her phone on the subway like everyone else. As I had thought, she was definitely special. She wasn't just some glib, surface-level, popularity whore. She was like a virgin saint, experiencing this fresh new world with her own eyes for the first time, with a purity that would make the yakuza freeze.
Somehow, the ten seconds of me occasionally darting my eyes towards her countenance, and her looking nowhere in particular - turned into ten minutes. And then, it was her stop. The doors opened right in front of her, and she left.
"The doors will now be closing. Please stand aside from the doors."
WHAT?!
I dropped my bag from back in high school, which I carry everywhere because it's handy. It's not lame, I swear! The doors started to flutter just the slightest bit. They were going to close, ahhhh!! They were going to close! I picked up my bag. My left leg was numb. For probably close to twenty minutes, I had leaned on it in a weird position. What was I even thinking about to not notice! Oh, that's right. I was dreaming of an angel.
I kicked my left leg. But that caused me to stub my left big toe!
"Aaah!!"
I kicked it again. Finally it was awake! I looked up. The doors were halfway closed already! Meanwhile, the people around me were a bit worried and eyeing me as if I were eyeing their newborns and licking my lips greedily.
I leaped. With a dull thud, the doors caught on me. But this was no time for that. I tapped the doors hard.
Hey, tap out, man. T. Time out!!
I then realized it would be smarter to push the doors apart, and was able to do so surprisingly easily. At this point, I was bathing in sweat. Meanwhile, the station staff member had gotten out of his seat at the ticket booth, sensing that something was up. But by then, I had finally broken free from the doors, and made a dash towards the high-school girl's uniform silhouette that was taking the escalators up out of the subway and making her way home.
I chased, after that mirage. I no longer knew why. I was not in a presentable state. There was no way I could thank her like this, with my hair all tangled up everywhere, sweat everywhere, embarrassment everywhere. I probably smelled, if I hadn't already from being in that sausage fest of an idol concert. There was no way I could thank her like this.
Why was I still running after her? Was it the thrill of the chase? The illusion of a purpose? The ecstasy of unshakeable momentum?
And so, my philosophy beat as fast as my heart and the rhythm of my feet on the escalator as I pounded my way to the top.
I saw her.
And I kept walking after her, matching her pace.