I finally got a chance to think through Bai Ye's words after he left.
"Some things, unless you tell me about it yourself, I don't want to guess or assume."
What did he mean? Was he implying that he knew about my crush on him all along and wanted me to admit it to him?
Sometimes when I locked eyes with Bai Ye, I couldn't help but think that his gaze could see straight through me, that he knew everything I was thinking and everything that I didn't say out loud. I wished this was one of those times when he simply read my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it.
Romantic feelings between masters and disciples weren't just forbidden; they were a sin. Disciples were supposed to honor and respect their masters like their parents—particularly true in my case, because I couldn't deny the fact that Bai Ye had been like a father to me since I was still a girl—and to involve romantic feelings in such a relationship was against every rule and moral standard.
I had always known this, and that was why my feelings for Bai Ye were a secret that I couldn't afford to let anyone know, especially him. If I even felt ashamed of myself for having such thoughts, what would he think if he learned?
Besides, even if I weren't his disciple, how could someone like Bai Ye ever fall for me? He was a legend at Mount Hua and perfect in every way. I was weak, timid, and all too plain.
"If you want to tell me more when I get back, I'll be glad to hear it."
No, he won't be, I told myself. However madly that I hoped I was wrong about it, I couldn't risk telling him the truth and ruining everything between us.
I went to bed that evening with those thoughts. But Bai Ye's voice still echoed in my mind, and I lay awake all night.
~ ~
The next morning, I got up at daybreak as usual, groggy from the lack of sleep. The hall was quiet without Bai Ye. He would've usually been awake before me, and I would see him practicing sword moves in the garden when I passed by. Sometimes I would stop and watch him for a while, telling myself that it was for observing his techniques, when I knew in fact that I just wanted to be near him whenever I could.
I ate a light breakfast and was getting ready to leave for Xie Lun's hall when a knock came on the door.
"Senior Yun?" a girl's voice called. "Are you awake? It's Lin Weiwei."
Lin Weiwei? She was a new disciple of medicine from the main peak. Why would she be here?
I opened the door. She smiled brightly at me and apologized: "I'm so sorry for troubling you this early in the morning, Senior Yun. But Senior Chu hasn't been feeling well all night, and she asked me to go find her some herbs for an upset stomach. I'm new to medicine, and I don't want to bring her the wrong ones … Would you be so kind as to help me?"
So Chu Xi did end up with a side effect from my medicine—Bai Ye had told me that I didn't add enough licorice to neutralize the strength. I felt a slight tinge of guilt. After all, medicine shouldn't discriminate, and it wasn't my goal to take revenge on Chu Xi's rudeness by giving her medicine that caused pain.
"Of course," I said. "Do you want me to come and gather them with you?"
"If it's not too much trouble for you." Lin Weiwei bowed. "Thank you so much, Senior Yun. I'm sure Senior Chu would greatly appreciate it."
I doubted that. Lin Weiwei was too new at Mount Hua to pick up all the little hates and grudges between disciples.
I strapped on my herb basket. After considering for a moment, I brought Twin Stars as well—I didn't want to let them out of my sight. Then Lin Weiwei and I made our way to the back mountains.
The air was crisp and dry, rare for a summer day. Shafts of sunlight shone through the thick canopy of the trees, glowing on the morning dew that still lingered on the grass and shrubs beneath. We walked quietly for a while until we arrived at a glade.
"This is where I gather most of my herbs," I gestured for Lin Weiwei to stop. "There's an ancient underground lake below us, which adds a lot of spiritual power to things grown around here."
"You are so good at medicine," Lin Weiwei said. "I would've never noticed the difference. To me, herbs are just herbs."
I pulled up a few goldthread roots. "You'll probably need these. They help a lot with an upset stomach."
Lin Weiwei watched me put the roots into my basket. "Do you know why Senior Chu got sick?" she asked suddenly. "She's usually in very good health, and she was feeling totally fine until it hit her overnight."
Her question startled me. Did Chu Xi tell her to ask this?
I considered telling her the truth, that I made a mistake in making Chu Xi's medicine and caused side effects. But knowing Chu Xi, she would never let go of my smallest missteps and would probably spin this into a story that I tried to poison her. I didn't want to give her such leverage.
"It could be a lot of things," I replied. "Summer is a bad season for upset stomachs. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, it usually goes away in a couple of days even without medicine."
"That eases my worries. Thank you, Senior Yun." Lin Weiwei said. But despite her sweet tone, I thought I noticed a brief flash of spite in her eyes. It was probably a trick of the light though, because the next moment when I looked again, it was gone.