*'Do you know what happens at that point? The heart stops for a millisecond, a helpless scream of pure horror escapes the lips. Slowly the body descends till a loud crack of the skull is heard. I can't stop thinking about what it must have been like. The forceful push to the back, the scream of utter horror, the fall, the sickening crack and the total darkness that claims the body.'
*'Why don't you start from the beginning? It is always the easiest ma'am.'
*Sighing deeply, 'Okay, I'll start at the beginning.'
I grew up in jos, the Tin city as some call it with my mom as the only parent and to be honest I somehow miss the father I never knew because mama refused to say a word about him.
Anyway, it's January. I've already been in Lagos for two years and a half. For the first six months I've incredibly been lonely. But then, I met Raymond, a charming and caring man.
What I loved the most was how we were comfortable with each other for the first year of our relationship. We brush our teeth every morning and night at the same time, wear and remove clothes in each other's presence, talk about everything and nothing, give massages to ourselves after a hectic day at work and so many more. I felt safe.
I'm a tailor, not for dresses and skirts. I know you'll be thinking 'what's this lady talking about.' I sew curtains, bed sheets, duvet and what have you. Raymond was an engineer, he loves his job but he loves me more I thought. The way he never forgot to call me back just to give me a quick hug whenever he drops me at my shop every morning made me fall deeply in love.
But then everything changed, from good to bad, from bad to worst. It all started when his company was organizing an end of the year dinner party. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I'm plus size, I'm fat but not in a way that you can't differentiate my tummy from my behind and that became a problem to him. He plainly said to my face, "I can't take you to the party, I don't want to get embarrassed Timi." That came as a shock to me, I couldn't fathom how I would be the source of embarrassment to him until his next words had my heart aching instantly. I knew I wasn't that fat to be considered unattractive but that was what he practically shouted. And when the day came, that was how he went to the party without me.
I loved him so much that when he started talking nasty about my weight and demanding I go out to jog every morning and go to the gym on weekends, I said nothing and did as he demanded, all in the hopes of getting back my beloved Raymond. But even with that, his behavior towards me didn't change; rather it got worse by the day. He monitors whatever I eat when we are together and even when I am at work he asks me to snap whatever I was eating and send it to him.
It became too much, the man I fell in love with was completely lost to me, I couldn't even say two words before he rained all sorts of insults on me. He was only nice and warm when he wants sex and even then he cared less about if I'm satisfied or not.
The first time he laid his hands on me was the day I told him I was pregnant. I thought he would be happy with the news but everything went south when I showed him the three pregnancy test strips with two clear lines on each strip. I could still see the anger burning in his eyes, feel the sting of the first slap he landed on my left cheek, feel the pain of his fist slamming into my stomach, the smell of my own blood.
Gradually, I was falling into depression. I worked out twice as hard as I was supposed to and yet my trousers and skirts still fitted the same. When he first met me, I was the same size. I knew it because I still wear the same jean size as then but he says I got bigger and more nastier. It hurt to know the man I loved was causing me pain.
I should have left him after the first beating, but no, I stuck myself to him like a stubborn chewing gum that refused to detach from under the desk. I hoped and prayed for my Raymond to come to his senses because he once uttered three words, words that meant nothing to him. Three emotionless words that shouldn't have meant a thing to me because his actions said otherwise.
I stayed with him because I loved him or should I say because I thought I loved him.