My soul..
My soul feels good. I'm resting. I'm waking up. Or so i thought.
Where am i though? What life am i in? i feel as though i'm not dreaming, nor am i waking up. It just feels like my state is in the middle of nowhere.
I don't feel depressed, I don't feel happy, I'm at peace. i feel numb but it feels really good. So this is what peace feels like huh?
Wait.. i think i just woke up from a dream. Oh, I'm in MY life.
I don't wanna wake up. I'm resting without any academic stress. I should stay like this, i deserve to rest.
But there's something inside me insisting me to move my body. It's pushing me to do something today. Then i remember my future is in my own hands.
I can only blame me if i don't do the things future me would thank me for. I have to get up ASAP. You don't wanna be in the same place for the rest of your life, do you?
I picked up my phone, and my hair tie. I looked at the clock, and, oh my god.. It's 7 am in the morning, what a perfect time for me to maladaptive daydream or go grab a coffee. Time to take a shower and go breed myself.
Incase you didn't know, hi, my name is Cora Audenzia Ghulam, i am 20 years old, i have a pretty decent face, always looking good, and a sibling of two. I have an older brother, Aiden Ghulam. We live with both our parents in a beautiful neighborhood in UAE. Not exactly in the city, but still a very extensive neighborhood. My father is a CEO of a pretty big and successful company, and my mom is a makeup artist. My challenges in life? A lot, and i probably won't tell too much. But that, me, and my strong will to keep up and try new things and how I'm not afraid of changes (anymore), is what makes my life pretty cool, to me. So BARE WITH ME!!!
After taking a shower, I'm gonna do my skincare routine and then apply my make-up to spice up my morning. Ahh... doing your skincare routine feels so.. fresh. Next, makeup. Doing my makeup is one of the things i enjoy doing the most. I grew up with my mom teaching me how to do makeup too. To me, makeup is art on a never ending canvas, to have an art on our face feels so pleasing to me.
Now, ready to start my day! I went downstairs and saw my mom cooking.
"Oh hi honey!" she said, while putting butter on top of the bread.
"Hey mom! Bye mom!"
i went outside and saw my dad stepping into his car, with a suit on, ready to go to work.
"Cora? where are you going?"
"i'm going to grab a coffee" says me, in a little bit of hurry, while getting into my dad's other car.
"Be careful! I don't wanna deal with another grumpy person complaining about their vehicles nearly getting hit by you!", he closes the car door.
I started the engine, and start to gas the car.
"I Won't!!!"
Check the side mirror? Probably. Whoa, looking good. The view is really beautiful, as always. Feels like I'm in Calabasas but just with color. And then i played "obvious" by Ariana Grande on bluetooth.
I feel the wind hitting me. I'm in my daddy's nice car and I'm living my life, just like what Olivia Rodrigo says. I arrived at the coffee shop, got off the car, and locked it. My heels are clicking everytime i step.
What a nice day at the coffee shop. I feel the prettiest in the café. As i should be! I'm stepping in line, and.. it IS a nice day. You know how in those movies there's just someone who won't queue and then end up causing a scene?
My mood is good. But i feel like something is missing. I don't know, maybe just the fact that i haven't had my coffee this morning?
I'm next.
"Good morning! What would you like to order?"
"the regular please", i smiled.
"gotcha"
a few minutes later i got my coffee and i decided to take a drive.
I'm feeling iffy. I feel like i don't belong here, i feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere else and grow, even though i grew up here. Then i remember how gifted i am since day one. I've always like doing a lot of things, and really good at them, too. I'm a fast learner.
I fear that i would waste my potential, i want to go abroad, and go live alone, live a new life, and find my happiness.
It's time for me to go home, so i drove back to my house.
---
I saw my mom on the couch. I decided to talk to her about it.
"Mom, there's something that i need to talk to you about." I approached her, "sit down, dear", she asked me to sit down. So i sat down, and decided to tell her everything that i need to.
"Mom, I've been wanting to go abroad since i was fourteen, remember? I wanna try to travel alone, JUST a year or two. I am an adult now, mom, i need to live my life, isn't that what you said? I need to just try, mom."
My mom is kind of unsure.. yet. Then i decided to hit another one.
"Not to force you or anything.. But I've also tried my best to become the better version of myself since 9th grade. You know, how i started to be so academically pleasing and won several different competition? One of the main reasons were because i wanted to go abroad mom."
"Well, i am actually really proud of you for that.", mom responded.
"And think about how it'll be SO good for you and dad, you know? You both can brag about having your daughter living in the US when you're going to hangout with your friends."
My mom kinda giggled.
"Oh AND, you don't need to worry about the house and my room being a mess, because i won't be here for a while."
"Fine, you have my permission. But this is not the end of the discussion, my dear. You will have to ask your dad for permission, too."
My eyes got a little wider.
"Thanks mom", i said calmly, don't wanna be too excited infront of her, or else she'll get a 'lil sassy and then ruin the fun. So then i went to my room to celebrate a little. Of course i need permission from my dad too, but he's always supported me about going abroad. I'm so happy, i think I'm gonna call Aiden. Wait, nah. I'm gonna keep this so I'll be able to surprise him after i got my dad's permission.
Now, I'm going to message my dad.
Me: Hey dad, can i talk to you about something real quick? You can explain and teach me more at home. I just need your say on this real quick.
sent!
I know he won't answer very quick like usual, as he's always busy, or there's a chance that he's on a meeting.
Ting! Omg! There's a new notification.
Dad: Sure yeah, what is it?
I'm so excited. I have to type real quick before he goes offline again.
Me: Remember what i really want to do at 14?
Sent. He saw my message. But it's been a few seconds and he hasn't replied. Now it's been a few minutes and he hasn't replied.
Me: I wanted to go to US for a year or two, remember?
Dad: Oh yeahh! You want to go there?
Me: YES DAD. I am asking for your permission right now, and like i said, we can discuss more and you can worry more at home. I just need your permission.
Dad: for how long?
Me: for a year or two.
He saw it again, but it took a few more seconds for him to reply.
I'm so excited. If he gives permission, I'd be SO happy.
Dad: Well of course you may go. You did very great at school, and you've been really productive lately.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I'M LEVITATING!
I'm so happy, I'm kissing the floor.
Me: THANKYOUUUU DAD MWUAH ILY
My heart is beating so fast. I feel so relieved. I've always wanted to get out of here. I can't wait to tell Aiden. I'm gonna call him
It's ringing. Aiden picked up.
"AIDEN omg! I NEED to tell you this. MOM AND DAD LET ME GO!!!!"
"WHAT??? They disowned you?!?!!"
"NO moron, i can go to the US!!"
"NO WAY! For how long?!?!"
"For One and a half year long!"
"OMG! CORA!"
"I KNOWWW"
We paused for a few seconds while I'm wailing out of excitement and screaming silently and he laughs.
Then he continues to talk "This is big, Cora. You've finally finished your first step. You did it!! See! I've always believed in you. You've struggled a lot and you've find your way out. You've tried your best since you were a teenager and I'm so proud of you for that. I can't wait to hear more of your rants while you're healing and growing and facing new challenges in US."
"Hehe. Thankyou", I'm blushing. "And you've helped me a lot too! I owe you big bro, thankyou! I'm just so excited for whatever's going to come". Aiden continues the convo "so what's your next plan? what are you going to do there?"
"I'm.. going to stay in a hotel, aaand apply for a job in the same business dad is in."
"So you're basically just going to live there?"
"That was always the plan"
"oh, right. Just be careful, okay??"
"of course i will. Ahhhh I'm just so excited. I'm still like, 'what'? Okay gotta go bye"
I hung up the phone right after. I'm just gonna wipe off my makeup now. And then I'm going to sleep.
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Oh my, sleeping with no academic stress or any kind of stress feels very nice. I'm going downstairs. It's noon already? I must've lost track at time when i was sleeping. I found my Dad downstairs. Oh, he came home already.
"Dad!! Hey dad!" i called, while I'm approaching him, and then he turned around and saw me. "Cora!", he called me while putting ice cream on his mouth with a small spoon. I started the conversation with how I'm gonna live there, in America.
"So I'm gonna live in a hotel." "for one and a half year, Cora? Isn't that expensive?", my dad is still unsure about my idea living in a hotel. You know, I've thought about this since forever. But I'm still unsure, too. Surely, i will get a job, so i guarantee i can rent a house there. But i can't tell my dad I'm gonna get a job there. So i decided not to tell him, although i am not lying either, I'm telling him my plan B without him knowing it's my plan B.
"Well, if i meet a new friend there, and they asked me to live together with them for awhile, that would be lovely wouldn't it?" , my dad is kind of hard about these things, he's VERY protective, so i knew i had to add more explanation to my point.
"It wouldn't be dangerous, you know how i am. I don't trust people, just like you. And so if i do, it means they're really trust worthy. My knowledge on these things are strong enough." I'm stopping there. I'm waiting for his response, while i manage my coolness. Dad is thinking. Then lets out a little sigh.
"Okay. Now, let me tell you about traveling.."
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Well it was an exhausting night, but in a good way. That was yesterday, Dad says the flight is tomorrow, so i have to prepare for everything, so here i am, preparing it. I just can't wait. But before going to basically 'live' there, me and aiden decides to spend some 'FiNaL' moments together.
Packing things and getting ready to fly to another country is really exhausting, especially if you're planning to stay there for years. But whatever, I don't even have to pack too much, i can buy more clothes there later on.
Aiden is already outside, waiting for me to come out. I'm straight, by the way. That was not what i meant anyways, but i think you all aren't that dense to understand. I went outside, with a simple dress. "I'm readyyy!!!" i shouted a little at Aiden, while I'm running towards his car. Then once i got in, i closed the door, and we are on board!
Aiden looked at me and said, "can't believe you're going. Oh my god." with his kind-of-surprised face. I put out a smile that says 'hehe' with my teeth showing. And once we are far from our house, i started to scream.
"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA AUDENZIA RULES!!!! AUDENZIA RULES!!!". Aiden's also smiling, he's happy for me. Then he joins me, giggling. Even though i was laughing out loud, but atleast giggle and laugh are the same thing. I just can't believe it. TOMORROW MORNING and I'll be unstoppable. Today, i am spending the day with my one and only brother, Aiden *smiles widely*.
We spent the day driving around town, not exactly all over it though, we just visit places that we like. We also talk about many things. Aiden gives me advices, we talk about this whole thing, and most importantly we celebrate. Then we drove to McDonald's and order some foods, i only order french fries and iced milo as usual. Then we spent the entire noon eating and talking.
While we were eating, Aiden said something, "This is your new chapter, it's a very important thing for you. Do things you've always wanted to do. Do things outside of your comfort zone that you're willing to do. Don't feel threatened by anything or anyone, if you ever need help, message me. Remember, this is also your chance to heal more and grow. I want you to enjoy every moment there. Oh and be careful!". I thanked him for that. It was really sweet. After that we drove back home and then i went to sleep, having my last night in my bedroom, sleeping peacefully, but it wasn't actually peaceful considering i was really excited. But it was a great day to end this chapter of my life.
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It's morning already. I am beyond excited. I'm dying inside, wanting to burst out of joy. I couldn't wait for the next chapter of my life, watch me level up more in these next few months. I could even feel the morning breeze so fresh, that it soaked into my skin and shiver me.
I prepared myself. What a delightful morning, doing my skincare and my makeup, it feels different knowing i am finally entering this chapter of my life. I'm so happy it ended. Because after this, i will have the most amazing experience in my life, getting to explore a new environment.
My mom is downstairs, getting ready to drop me off at the airport, while also tidying up my baggage and everything in the car. My dad is in the car, also helping my mom. I'm going downstairs. Aiden can't join us, because he has to go to work early, despite it all i said my goodbyes to him and hugged him tight. He smiled at me, indicating "you got this. Good luck" to me. I smiled back. Then me and my parents got in the car.
In the middle of the road my parents reminded me of everything that i have to know before going to America. I just told them i still remember what they said for the past few days. And then all i can think about while in the road was how excited, and how it's gonna be life changing to me. While listening to music, and staring outside the car window. We then arrived and it's time to say our goodbyes.
"You know where to go, right?" Dad asked me when we arrived at the airport. "Yes i do." i answered shortly because I'm also preparing all of my stuffs. "Don't forget to always pray, be responsible, and be careful, okay?", said my mom while helping me getting my baggages out of the car.
"Yeah, of course, ma!". "You're gonna be there for quite a long time, have fun there!" My dad said to me, followed by my mom agreeing. "We're gonna miss you, Cora. Stay safe!" said both of them. I then said my goodbyes too.
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I can't believe it!!! I'm FINALLY going! I'm on the plane, and all that's in my head is me being proud of myself. "I Can't Handle Change" by Roar started playing from my earphones. Without me even realizing, tears started running from my eyes. It feels.. Oh my.
I slowly started to fall asleep, accompanied by the airplane's cold air and the comfortable seat i sat on.
-------
I can't do this anymore. I know they're never gonna change, but it's hard doing this. I really want to break the cycle, but it's so damn hard.
I can slightly hear someone calling my name. But I'm not really focused on that. How, the hell am i going to survive? Each day just goes worse, and worse. My only option is to hide everything, from them, but not from myself. I'm finally doing this. I can't believe I'm finally doing this. For all these years, i never even dare to hurt myself. But here i am, trying to scratch my wrists. But it doesn't work.
I'm feeling anger, deep anger, towards everything and everyone. And the fact that doing this doesn't work too. My face starts to get red. And then all of a sudden, someone opened the door in my room. It's Aiden.
I could see Aiden's face being surprised, and he quickly hugged me from the side, preventing me from doing it. He then told me, "I don't want you to repeat the same thing. I want you to learn from me. We can learn from each other. Cora, you know you're perfect. You know you're the prettiest,-" "no... I'm not. I'm ugly..", i denied, then i started crying. But he still continues to go "you know you're talented, creative, and the sweetest person ever. Nothing is worth hurting your body."
And at that point i broke down crying. I know who i am, i know my soul, but at the same time i lack love and that's why i feel like I'm not enough, and i thought I'll never be enough to anyone. Aiden was sad too, of course. He didn't want his little sister to follow his steps when he was her age.
And then after all the tears, our parents called us—as it was time for us to meet our relatives and greet them. There was a family gathering in my house, and i had no more time to hide my tears, my eyes were really red. Screw it, everyone will know.
Then, my eye caught a face powder and i grabbed it quickly. I powdered my eyes and it got to my eyebrows, so i powdered them too. It looks great tho, it looked like my brows were bleached. Aiden saw it, and giggled. Not that he thought it looked ridiculous, maybe he's not used to seeing bleached brows, I don't know tough, lol. Then we got out of my room and went to greet our relatives, everything went really well.
------------
After the exhausting flight, i finally arrived in US. I feel kind of sick, feels like i wanna vomit a little, but i couldn't. On top of that my butt hurts. Why isn't doing normal activities like running and jogging allowed on airplanes? Don't answer it, i know why. It just pisses me off a bit. Anyway, i don't really mind the 'lil jet lag, I'm minding my own business, on the bright note I've finally arrived at my destination. Finally.
Oh, i have to text my parents first. I have to inform them that I've arrived, because i know they probably messaged me several times already asking how things have been going. But i was on airplane mode and i was also taking a rest, so i didn't get to check my phone. After i texted them I'll try to find a cab and go check in to a hotel I'm gonna be staying in.
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I opened the door, carrying my baggages with the help of the hotel employee to my room. I thanked them and they left, i dropped myself on the hotel bed, feeling so exhausted. I HAVE to sleep. I deserve this. Aahhhhhhh... I still feel a bit sick but the amount of relieve i am feeling right now after i finally got through it all is taking over me. That's why i need to sleep. Without me even realizing my eyes are starting to get heavy.
----------------
I feel a breeze flowing through me. I'm tucked in a warm blanket, in the warm hotel bed. I felt the soft sunlight through the hotel window, which kind of woke me up. I'm craving for food.. or a drink? Nah, i think imma just go grab a coffee, just quickly.
So i got ready, i grabbed my bag and went out. I searched for a coffee shop near my hotel, so i won't get too lost.
A place called 'Green Place' caught my eyes. The place seems comfortable enough. There are many people there, but it's not crowded. So i went in, and boy.. The air feels so good. Everyone's busy waiting in line. I guess i have to wait in line too.
As i wait in line, i examine the place and the people around me. The place is quite big, but i won't call it big, too. It's also not small, but it seems really comfortable. The people seem to dress really casually. They're all dressed quite neat, some with suits, some with dresses. And they're all seem really polite, while also minding their own business. Just being in here makes me feel comfortable and safe. It kind of distracted my feeling of jet lag.
The line is long enough, I'm still a bit exhausted from yesterday. So I'm guessing I'll be cranky any minute again if i have to wait for another long minute. Good thing it's almost my turn to order, i should be at the front any minute now. You know what, I'm actually getting a tad bit more cranky.
Not long after that, the door opens. A tall, blonde-haired man with a suit came in. He looks a bit in a hurry, judging from his furrowed eyebrows, looks like he is searching for someone or something.
Luckily, i'm at front now, I really need my coffee immediately. When it's time to order, i ordered my regular, which is "a hot latte with almond syrup, please!" "coming right up!" the Green Place employee responded.
Then the blonde man walked near towards my direction. He's speed walking to the cashier.
"Excuse me, regular please. Make it quick" said that man firmly. Wait what the hell?! He's cutting the line! Everybody's having different feelings about this. Some do not care, some are pissed, some looked like they just saw Johnny Depp. I couldn't stand it anymore i NEED my coffee so i said to him, "Excuse me, uh sir, did you just cut the line?". He turned back, looked at me with a pissed off face, and said "Yes i did", turned around again, looks like he was trying to leave.
"But sir! Why can't you just-" my words were cut by his, while he was turning back around to me. "Look, what's your problem? huh? can't you see i'm in a hurry here?" his tone is getting high. What the hell? I TRIED my best to be as polite as possible so i wouldn't cause a scene, but he decided to cause one, anyway. I mean, what's so hard about lining up, huh sir?
"Everyone could see that with your mad face and your attitude.", i responded to him carelessly. "Just WHAT is your problem?" he started getting more angry. "Excuse me, me? What's MY problem? What's YOUR problem?! Why is it so hard to just line up!" i couldn't stand him already.
"If you could obviously see that I'm in a hurry, you would understand that i don't have time for this!" oh, he decided to argue. "If YOU could also think the same way about me and everyone else around here, you would understand that you're not the only one who needs a morning coffee!" i clapped back at him.
He looks more pissed, he looks as if he's about to explode, but he is, because then he said, "Do you not know who i am?!". I'm confused as hell right now. HOW am i suppose to know him when i JUST arrived here yesterday? And there are many other gazillion people out there who can wear suits and a rolex too.
"No, actually I don't. And it doesn't matter who you are, politeness costs NOTHING!"
"Well yes, actually, politeness caused my dignity if i had to even be polite to your kind of people in the first place!"
"You were NEVER polite in the first place!"
"It's because you're making a big deal out of this!"
"I've been trying to keep it cool with you but seems like you lost your temper too quickly! So I'm sorry to say, but you're the one who's making a big deal out of this!", i said to him, this man is getting on my nerves, so I'm getting on his.
It seems like it's working, because he keeps getting angrier and angrier. "Well you're definitely wasting my time! And I'll be late because of you!" he's sweating more than he has since he decided to storm in and cut the line.
"Well you definitely deserve this. Why would i even waste my time on you?"
"Why would I even waste my time on someone who can't even look at the mirror and control their anger issues?!"
"You're not supposed to be talking about yourself in an argument", i hit him with my words. He glared at me.
The Green Place employee then hands in an order on the table. He grabbed it. It's his!
I CAN'T anymore. I ordered first! I was the one waiting in line, while also controlling my jet lag, but HE, the one who just stormed in out of nowhere and cut the line and decided to cause a scene here, got his order first?
"You know what, i changed my mind. This is a good thing. Seems like you deserve to get your order first than i do, so you could leave quicker. Because your temper is getting out of hand." i said to him while giving him a sassy look before he even paid for his order.
He looked away, pissed off at me. Then the employee handed out to me my order. "Here's your order, miss"
"Thank you." i said to the employee, forcing a smile while also paying for my order.
"Happy now? I hope your coffee will be able to repair your mood today. Because it would be such a waste if it wouldn't." he said to me while also paying and looked away.
"You're lucky I'm in desperate need of my coffee. Otherwise you'll have to come back home to change your suit." i said to him and i left, speed walking, without even looking back at him. I just know a smoke will come out of his ears for no longer.
I was planning to enjoy my drink at the Green Place, but his energy ruined the atmosphere of the calming place. So i decided to go back to the hotel, to enjoy my morning latte, and refresh my air. And also because i have nowhere to go yet.
Just when i was about to go in, i saw a tall blonde woman in front of the hotel, walking towards the opposite direction I'm heading while holding her phone. Her outfit is pretty casual, yet also quite elegant at the same time. She seems busy texting, her brows are a bit furrowed, all she's focused on is her phone. Then i remember that i forgot to check whether i have my phone in my bag or not. So i tried to reach my bag, and as I'm doing it, someone accidentally bumped into me. My bag that I've been reaching for dropped on the floor and it made almost all my stuff drop all over the place.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Let me help you with your bag." said some girl, as it turns out, it's the same woman who was busy on her phone!
"Yeah, I'm fine! All is well, thank you" i answered her question while smiling at her, indicating that it's really okay and that i thanked her for helping me picking my stuffs from the floor.
"Well what about your drink?" she asked again, genuinely concerned. Which is kind of funny to me, considering it's something people would be least worried about.
I checked my coffee, which is still in my hand, the cup is safe, luckily enough. "Yeah, it's okay. It wasn't that bad, thank you" I thanked her once again. And chuckled a bit. She's actually very stunning.
"Oh that's great! I'm sorry i bumped into you, i was really busy with my phone." she said with a face filled with regret. "How many times have i said to you that it was okay? it's alright! I appreciate you for helping me out too." i said, teasingly. She's actually smiling right now.
"Glad i helped you out. By the way, where are you heading to?" asked her, while we both are slowly standing up after tidying up all my stuff that fell. "Oh, i was actually going to spend my morning in my hotel room, i actually didn't want to spend it there, but i had to since i don't know any place to visit here."
"Oh, you're not a local? I can show you around, you know. I'm quite used to this city. It just has been a long time since i visit here. I also wanna walk around since i don't know what's been going on here lately. You know, new shops, or something like that?" she asked me. She seems like an outgoing person. My mind is quite distracted from what had happened earlier.
Since i had already done my makeup and dressed myself, i decided it would be nice to go around town with her. This is an opportunity to get to know this city more, and to better my day. "Yeah haha i totally get it. And i would be delighted for you to show me around. Oh and where are my manners? I'm Cora" i took out my hand.
She seems surprised, seemingly because i wanted to go with her, and because we both forgot to introduce ourselves. "Oh yeah! My bad!", she apologized while slapping her hand on her forehead. "I'm Avery" she said, while shaking my hand with a genuine smile.
"Really nice to meet you, Avery"
"The same with you, Cora. Now let's start with my favorite street!"
"You know, i actually love coffee, too. I have it almost everyday."
"Oh really? I literally have to drink them everyday. Or at least that's my relationship with chocolate milk. Wait, yeah.. It's chocolate milk."
"Hahaha! By the way, where'd you get your coffee?"
"At a Cafe called 'Green Place'"
"No way! That's my favorite Cafe!"
"Really?! I think we both know why. The place is really nice!"
"I know, right!"
"Oh Cora, look! This is my favorite park to sit at when i want to think about things. It's really big, too." said Avery while slowly running towards the park. And then she looked back at me while I'm catching up with her.
"Oh.. Look at the lights too! It's also really cool here. How cool!" I said, Avery laughed.
"Cora, if you ever want to go to a really fancy and good restaurant, there's one up there" Said Avery while pointing up at a top part of a building. It's built inside the building, but it seems like you can go up the roof for a rooftop view, too. "But it's really expensive. The food is nice, but the view.. You can see an amazing view up there." Avery continues.
I just nodded. "Yeah, it seems really nice." Then Avery continues again, "If you ever have to leave this city, or go back home, you have to at least experience going there once."
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Today really went well. I actually know various places now, thanks to Avery. And turns out, we connect really well. And we have so much in common, too! We both love to go to different places, we both love fashion, we love doing new things and most of all we share the same mindsets!
It was a really great day, i have to be honest, i never really had a friend like Avery. She's awesome, she's like a big sister i never had! Now I'm getting ready to bed. I wash my face, do my skincare routine, and then go to sleep comfortably in this really comfortable bed. I went to bed with a relieved smile, can't wait about what's to come next.