I lie down in bed. I still can't fall asleep. Nothing is actually bothering me this time. I think I'm just curious about relationships. I don't know how it is since I've never been in one and I feel like I won't be in one anytime soon due to my situation. I should at least make an effort to learning about feelings because if not, I'll grow up alone and lonely.
I feel like Hajime has experience in these kinds of stuff. He seems like he's been in a relationship. Maybe I should ask him.
"Hajime," I call him. He was lying down in the futon that I prepared for visitors.
He turns around to look at me. "Yeah? Can't sleep?"
"Yeah," I reply. "But this isn't like last time."
He adjusted to a more comfortable position. "Let me hear it."
"Have you ever been in a relationship before?" I ask. "I'm just curious. I want to know how it was based on your experience."
"Uhmmm," He seems like thinking about something. "I have been in relationships, yes. But the thing is, none of them were that serious. It was just some plain old crush."
"Ahh, I see," I reply. That makes sense. He's just in Junior High School. As far as I know, nothing serious really develops at that age.
"Well, there was this crush that I have," He also lied down, staring at the ceiling. "It's not even a crush. I fell for this person. I admired them for almost my entire first year in junior high school."
He seemed happy talking about this past crush of his. Whoever she is, it seemed like it made him happy.
"What happened after?" I asked.
"I promised myself to ask them for a dance when my previous school held a dance, but I couldn't. Normally, I would've asked, but this was different. I can't just ask them that easily."
This person seems interesting. Was he like, popular? Based on my knowledge, some people won't consider approaching a popular student if they're not the same level as them. Better not ask because he seemed sad just now. A quick shift of mood.
"I totally got my hopes up and I ended up hurting myself. After the dance, I ended up avoiding them."
I feel bad for asking. It seemed like I brought up a bad memory. I didn't mean for it to go like this,
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," I say.
"It's okay," He replies. He smiles a little. "I don't mind sharing this memory with you."
I smile. "Thank you,"
He nods. "Well, at the end of the day, I still got the dance. They found out that I have been avoiding them and asked me why. I answered honestly. They were considerate of me that they asked me to dance with them after school."
He seemed happy again. I am really curious as to who this guy is to make him happy like this. "This person seemed to make you happy."
"Yeah," He replies. "That person brings me joy. I look up to them every time I feel down. Being with them makes me comfortable and happy, just like being with y-"
His words suddenly got cut and he hit his mouth with his hand and covered it. The sound got me a bit startled and I look at him. "You okay?"
He laughs. "Yeah, just a mosquito."
"Oh, okay," I lie back down to my bed. That was weird. I just sprayed my room with an anti-mosquito spray. Maybe it didn't get them all.
"Kyo," Hajime says. "Thanks for listening to my story. It's been a while since I've opened up to a person like this."
I smile. "No problem. Anytime."
"Good night," He says.
"Good night," I say back. He turns around and covered his head with a blanket.
[Hajime POV]
I did it again!!!!!! God, why can't I control myself today? I almost said that I feel happy and comfortable being with him, even though it hasn't even been a week since we first met. I mean, it's true that I feel this way.
First, I can't stop thinking about him, second, I feel like I'm a different person when I talk to him sometimes, now, I almost exposed myself that I MIGHT have a very, very, small crush on him. Luckily, he can't identify if someone's into him. I shouldn't take advantage of that, but I'm glad because it might seem that I like him even though I'm not sure yet.
I bury myself further down the pillow under the blankets.
* * * * *
[Kyo POV]
Later that day after Hajime slept over, Kaito came over to hang out. Right now, we're playing a 2D platformer on my gaming console.
"So," Kaito says, still focused on the game. "How was it?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"Hajime's stay. How was it?"
"Oh, nothing much. It was fun."
"He did nothing too suspicious?"
I act as if I'm flipping a table. Why does he always think of this? "Come on, you know it's nothing like that."
"Okay, okay," He replies, sounding defensive. "Just asking. It's just pretty obvious."
"And what is pretty obvious?"
We lost the boss battle in the game. He paused the game and he looks at me. I look back. "Well, I believe that he didn't like you like that when you first met, but when you slept on his lap, maybe that's where he started to like you."
"How are you sure?" I have not heard of that happening to anyone before.
"Well, I've seen plenty of drama which did that, and it also happened to me once."
I tilt my head. "Huh, really?"
"Yeah!" He exclaims gleefully. "Let's say that I had a moment where I got to sleep on a girl's lap. She said that she developed a crush on me because of that."
"Wait, how could someone fall for a person who just slept in their lap?" I ask because I'm genuinely curious. How does that work?
"Well, for one, it feels warm, which makes you feel secure for some reason, and two, it's the way the person looks like when they fall asleep on the person's lap. She did tell me that I looked cute sleeping in her lap."
"Huh," I say to myself as I resume the game.
Let's assume that he is actually into guys, would that be really enough for him to like me? Ugh, thinking about this hurts my head.
I just continued to play the game.
* * * * *
Later that day.
It is now 7 P.M. and my uncle decides to stay over for the night. It's been a while since he stayed over, and it's actually nice that he's here.
I sat down on the couch with him. He was watching his nightly detective buddy drama. Meh, it was an okay show. You can tell who's the criminal in every episode because the guest actors who play the said roles are famous actors here in Japan. Because of that, it's obvious who the criminal is.
I sat here and remembered my dream this morning. In all of the times, why did I have that dream now and not when I was a kid? I'm not that bothered about losing them now than I was before. Maybe Hajime's mom triggered it?
"Hey, uncle Yamato," I say as he watch his show.
"Yeah?" He replies, raising his eyebrows but his eyes are still fixated on the T.V.
"Can I ask what were my parents like?"
He did a sudden turn and looked at me. "Why ask all of a sudden?"
"I don't know," I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "I guess I just want to know more about them. I didn't really get a chance to be with them for long."
He looked back at the TV. "Your mother was my best friend ever since we were kids. She was a nice and caring person and is great at making you feel better when you're in the dumps. She knows when you're in a bad mood or in a bad place, and she would be there to comfort you, whether she knows you or not."
She is the opposite of me. I couldn't do that. I can't even tell what a person is feeling. I guess if she were here, I could be like her.
Uncle Yamato then chuckles and looks down. "You know, we even tried dating back then."
My eyes widened. "Wait, really?! What happened?"
"We realize that we weren't meant to be as lovers," He replies. "So we remained as best friends. Nothing has changed between us."
This is actually interesting. I'm happy that nothing changed between them. If he and mom dated, I wouldn't even be here right now.
"And then my brother, your dad, thought that she was nice when he first saw her in college, so I said to him if he wants me to set him up with her. He was shy at first, but he agreed. They hit off after the first date and dated for 5 years. They graduated college together and lived under one roof after their education. There, he proposes to her and she said yes."
It sounded like they had a fruitful relationship. It was cute hearing their story. My memory of them pretty much faded when they died, so I forgot what they were like.
He looks at me, looking teary-eyed. "They were so happy when they had you. They told me that they want to give you the best life you could ever have. And they said that if ever something happens to them, I should look out for you and help you be independent. It feels like I failed because all I did was leave you alone here. I should have been a father figure and instead, I acted like a babysitter. I didn't even get to teach you stuff about school and feelings. Because of me, you weren't able to learn about feelings and how you should navigate through them."
I crept a smile. "It's okay. I did learn how to be independent. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know how to cook, clean the house, study on my own, and buy food from groceries. It's true that I don't know how to understand feelings, but I can live with that. Besides, this is a thing that I can learn throughout my life."
I hugged him. "Personally, I think you did a good job."
I feel him open his arms, but it took him a while to hug me back. I hear his sniffles as the tears from his eyes drip onto my shirt.
I'll cherish this moment for the rest of my life.
* * * * *
I asked my uncle to find good pictures of my mom and dad. He found three good photos. One was a picture of my mom, the other one was my dad, and the last one was both of them.
I asked my uncle to help me set up a shrine for my parents right next to the TV. There, we set up everything. In the left and right are the individual pictures and in the middle is the picture of them both. In between the picture of my dad and both of them is a red vase where I put the incense that I light.
Later, I lit two incense and placed them in the vase of sand. The smoke dances in the air as I smell the aroma that the incense emits. I kneel in front of the altar and prayed. After, I talked to them.
"Hello, mom," I say, looking at her picture. I then look at dad's picture. "Hello, dad."
I took a deep sigh and smiled. "I hope you guys are doing well wherever you are. Me, I'm doing good! I've been living alone independently in our home. I learned how to cook, how to clean the house, do my laundry, and other stuff. It's all thanks to uncle Yamato!"
I didn't even realize it, but tears slowly form in my eyes. "I'm sorry I forgot everything about you guys when you died. I was so young that I didn't have the chance to form those memories."
I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I realize now that I wish I had more time to spend with you guys, especially in these times. I didn't have the chance to learn and explore feelings, especially others. My uncle told me about you and I thought that you were good at those things."
I look down for a moment, then looked back at them. "I miss you guys. I really do."
I wipe my tears more. "I hope that you will watch over me throughout my journey in life."
I concluded my talk with them. Honestly, this feels good. I think I'll do this once every day.
This is really nice.