Paris, Summer 2020 France
To think that only a month ago I found my life dull and very boring, as if I was in a coma. Today, my nerves were stretched to the limit. All my senses were on high alert. I was scanning every sound, every breath, and every movement. Instead of finding my life boring, I was captivated by it now. The feelings of people walking by penetrated me and I sensed vibrations, like swirls of color coiled around them, making their feelings so obvious. Life attracted me more now. I have a reason to exist, no longer just a body and soul stagnating. This was enough to change my mood and perceive the meaning of my existence differently. I no longer suppressed my talents, but allowed them to spread so I would have better access to information, to understand her. At least that's what I was hoping.
Had she thought of me?
I had seen her reaction. Since she had noticed how I had looked at her, after having rescued her, she surely must have asked herself why. People constantly and desperately want to be normal. This need is particularly strong during the teenage years - well, she wasn't a teenager any longer. Alma had to be very shy, if she had not confided to Vera.
Maybe she had.
Fear filled my heart. I would definitely have to go to the hospital to find out what happened after I left. Had she stayed? Had she tried to find me? Ah, this day had become just like the day before I left! I was tired of hiding! My desire not to lose sight of her, made me hide. I was constantly afraid that she would see me and run away. That wouldn't be a bad solution for her. But for me...
In the morning, going to the University to see her after my long absence, I heard her talking and planning to go to the museum that evening. I decided to be her shadow. She could not deny me access; my existence was preserved by anonymity. Even though I would keep my distance, I did not intend to give up.
Once in my car, I felt more relaxed. The powerful engine that the techs had boosted for me was purring. Soon I was on the road and knew that with every mile I drove, I approached closer to her. I was alone. For now, I was pleased. I stopped the car some distance from Palais du Louvre. Coming out, I did not even notice the world around me.
That was a strange feeling, a change for sure.
I walked fast; I wanted to arrive first. Why? I was still baffled that she was the one true motivation for my return.
There she is! I said to myself.
I felt my body stiffen; I tried to look normal. I stared around as if I was expecting to meet someone. I avoided aiming my prying eyes in her direction. I forbid myself to look at the place where I knew she was. I could not help but listen, however. Vera spoke animatedly. She seemed distracted, and did not mind the long line. I saw that her cheeks were a rosy tint again. Vera gesticulated continually and breathed in short fast gasps, nearly suffocating because of the speed at which the words came out. I gathered that the young man who was standing near them was Alex, and Vera gazed at him with languid eyes.
Yes! I remembered when Alma had mentioned his name: Alex Krupp. Another girl was with him. They approached Alma and Vera. She was blond, tall, robust and with an air of that of a cheerleader. She nodded from time to time, shook her head vaguely, without deigning to open her mouth. Alex was all smiles. Tall, pale blue eyes, ashen hair, but skinny. He squealed when he spoke to Alma and Vera. Every time she looked at him, Vera suddenly changed her attitude. I heard Alex ask Vera what was wrong with Alma. I did not like how he was interested in her, how he surrounded her with his gaze.
Fantasies were surely fogging his mind and she knocked him out of his daydream by saying in a clear and quiet voice: "I'm okay. What do you want to see?" Her voice seemed an echo in the noise of the crowd, but I knew that was only because I focused on her with such intensity.
"We are not yet agreed on the Art Expo," Alex said with a laugh and without looking at Fanny, the girl who accompanied him.
"As you wish," said Fanny, who stared at the floor while the blood was slowly fleeing her face.
"Why don't all of us go together?" continued Alma catching up with the line.
I could not help to glance in her direction. I averted my eyes quickly. I became aware of myself and tried to transform my wry face into a natural expression. Fanny was wondering: Why Alma?
"Is there is a problem?" Alex did not let go of the discussion and wanted to know why Alma seemed so far away from everything. I wondered what was wrong with her.
"I'm a little tired," she said and her voice was lower, but still clear.
Why was I frustrated Alex Krupp's eyes seemed to reflect a strong need to protect her? What difference did it make if his words were so possessive? Did it concern me, if Alex Krupp was so worried about her? Maybe everyone reacted like this to her. Had I not myself instinctively wanted to protect her? But was she really sick? It was difficult to judge - she certainly had an air of delicacy with her alabaster skin. When I realized that I was now worried, just like this stupid guy, I forced myself to stop thinking about him.
Anyway, I did not like seeing Alex. I began to watch Vera, who was looking for a place to sit, because the wait looked as if it was going to be long. Luckily, they sat down below, on one of the leading edges near the entrance.
Relax! Honestly. This is not the end of the world!
At that precise moment, Alex pulled out a water gun that he was hiding in his pocket and squirted Fanny's T-shirt. She blinked her eyes surprised, and then cried.
"Hey!" Vera said, as she and Alma drew back. Vera laughed. Alma looked taken aback.
I had the clear impression that Alex had chosen this moment to embarrass Fanny. But he turned around continuing his stream of water, while Vera continued to laugh and lifted her handbag as a shield. Alma was watching the hysterical movements of Fanny while Alex continued relentlessly. She hid behind a large poster and Vera began to run, never taking her eyes off Alex hands. She ran right into me.
"Ah! Excuse me, I didn't see you," she said, blushing.
"It's okay; you were not looking in front you," I grinned, looking at her hands clasping her handbag.
She left and rejoined the others, and I heard her breathless voice. "Alma! Look who's here!"
"Where?"
My eyes had found their target and as I expected she was looking at me too. I was waiting for this moment for so long and yet it was all I could do to not flee the scene. Alma lowered her eyes and slowly turned her head, and I saw nothing else but the mass of her thick auburn hair. What was she thinking?
"He stares at you," Vera whispered to Alma with a chuckle. There was no trace of jealousy in her tone.
I listened attentively to Alma's response. "How does he look?" she murmured, her eyes still downcast.
Alma's question had disrupted Vera who was trying to analyze my expression. I remained focused on Alma.
"I don't know, perhaps cautious," whispered Vera. "How should he look?" I knew she wanted to say more from the way she stared at my face, even though it showed nothing.
"I think I have seen him before," Alma replied slowly.
"When? Before the accident? In the perfume shop?" Vera's eyes widened and she gradually turned away from me when my eyes fell on her.
"Yes. On the terrace, and other places. Déjà vu, I believe," she confessed, massaging her forehead as if she was suddenly tired.
I wasn't sure how to interpret this gesture? I could only guess that maybe she was really tired.
"On the terrace? What terrace? Why didn't you say anything?"
"At the cinema... Before the test of Practical Techniques."
"The PTR test?" Vera asked, frowning. "Last week?"
"Mm hmm."
"Do you think he is following you? That's crazy! I hope—"
"Stop, Vera! You say such crap sometimes."
"Why do you think he is interested in you? In any case, he continues to admire you," she adds in a plaintive voice.
"Stop watching." Alma said, annoyed. Vera grinned, but complied. It looked like Alma was forcing herself not to look at me. Her body shifted slightly towards me, her chin was about to turn my way, but then she regained control of herself, taking a deep breath. "I think I'll go see him," she said, swallowing hard.
Oh!
I was not aware of those around her, as if they were not there. Alex Krupp continued his absurd little game, unaware that the storm threatened to end it. Not that he had any ability to hear the change in the sky. For me it was truly noisy. I remained motionless. People came and went, and I found myself trying to distinguish the sound of her footsteps among the others, as if I had recognized they had some importance.
Will she come?
That was stupid!
Alma did not move. Alex, Fanny and Vera looked at her. They were waiting to see what she would do. Would she join me, or remain in her place? Thinking about being next to this girl that had such an effect on me, I could feel my body heat in the atmosphere. Was I ready for this? Or had I already seen her enough for the day?
"What's the problem?" Alex said, taking up the discussion and trying to reason with Alma. "Either you know him or not, what difference does it make?"
"You aren't going talk to him?" Fanny whimpered. "He is beautiful. Dark black hair and green eyes! Nowadays, men like him are very rare!"
"What's getting you so excited?" Alex reacted, taken aback by Fanny's long sentence.
"He seems fresh off a magazine page," she said.
Was Alma, like me, torn in two by a decision? Part of me wanted - desired - more than anything to stay rather than flee again. It was a mistake to rush an encounter. Yet I realized that I wanted to tell her my name.
What had happened to me?
This curiosity... I was angry at myself to be so mesmerized. Didn't I promise myself that I would not be fooled by this obsession? And now, I was totally and completely fascinated by her. I wanted to know what she thought of me.
"Probably nothing will happen if you do not go see him," Alex shot me an inquisitive look, "It's almost certain."
Would Alma's curiosity be sufficient to make her take the plunge?
"Alex is right," Vera continued."
"I want to face him!" Alma said with force.
What a temptation!
She stepped back to circumvent Alex, touched Fanny's shoulder, turned her head to stare one last time at Vera, and then walked away from them.
"I'll call you later, Vera," she said while advancing towards me.
I could see the concern in Vera's eyes, the disapproval of Alex and irritation of Fanny. I took a deep breath and waited. The seconds became minutes, minutes turned into hours and I had the impression that all eternity conspired to cause my downfall.