Guiana Space Center, Summer 2020 Kourou
What a nightmare! Another Sunday!
It was a day when I wished I lived my life elsewhere, so I could make a new start! I was aware of one thing though, there was a problem. Each day that went by made it more and more impossible to live – each day was worse than the one before. Lethargy was not something that I could get used to. I was closer to depression.
Maybe I was already in it and just not conscious of it?
I tried to tear myself away from day after day of laziness, but the best I could do was provoke a faint glimmer of hope - I thought it would be better tomorrow and that joy would return. I guess it was my way of defending myself, or of hiding my head in the sand. Yes! I was hiding my weaknesses in front of others without letting my anger take me into painful circumstances and unknown territories.
Around me - I was in the middle of the canopy - my piercing eyes could see far away, the cloud forest, a part of the Amazon, barely visible through the fog. It was a beautiful place where life beats every second of the day with the same impetuosity. The diversity of species of plants here are some of the most important on earth. The Lung of the Earth consists of humid tropical forests which covered an immense area. It straddles nine countries: Brazil, Ecuador, Colombia, Venezuela, French Guiana, Suriname, Guyana, Bolivia and Peru. It represents more than half of the existing tropical forests, and it is the richest and most diverse of tropical regions. It is everywhere. At the side of the river, on the other side of the base is an impassable double wall woven with vines, leaves and trunks. It is unreachable and not advised for beginners. And it remains the first and most popular training area for Special Forces. The Green Hell! I chuckled inwardly, thinking of those who ventured out, to prove to themselves and others that they could get out. This virgin forest - what's left at least - protects its territory by the aid of inhabitants, who still refuse what we call civilization. Sometimes, after hours of walking, without a GPS, a village appears. The smell of wet ground and moist leaves filled my nostrils. I breathed in this perfume so avidly into my lungs that it flooded my senses.
It was useless to suppress my feelings by thinking about this place where I experienced the fires of purgatory. Yes. I discovered that this place did not only add pain but nothing really better could happen to me here!
I was lying on my back with my arms crossed behind my head and my legs over each side of the hammock. I watched the sky from a height of five yards, and I imagined a different situation. I dreamed I was somewhere else, sitting on the patio of a house beside the sea on top of a cliff. The sea lay before me, the waves rolled like enormous seahorses first showing their peaks, and then gradually emerging from the water, becoming gigantic, Homeric, until they crashed on the high rocks, at my feet, in large rolls dripping with foam. I closed my eyes and I pretended to sleep. Hmm... I imagined what was not to be.
"Maybe if I keep this attitude, they will leave me alone!" I said without much hope.
But I always knew what was happening near me. I could intrude into their minds, and sometimes I felt guilty for being so intrusive into their feelings. I confessed this ability to no one - it was one of the things that I could still hide from them. It was not easy to live with this, because their feelings disturbed me strongly and often my spirit suffered. To find myself in this in-between-world was like being in a vacuum.
I felt that they were all extremely active today. I wondered what was going on. I didn't really want to know.
I closed my mind from any contact with them. But that would not last long! My eyes were still closed. I even hid my face with my hands. I tried to change my position, but it was no use. It was impossible to not hear their far away movements as if they were in my head, dragging their feet on the ground, slamming their boots on the pavement, rubbing their clothes, their hands touching their arms to clean up. I could even smell their sweat from dozens of yards away. I felt their sensations, their feelings, their fears, their dislikes, their sorrows and their joys. My heart felt overwhelmed and I began to lose my self-control. It was so easy to know what they thought after all. I tried not to pay attention to them, to act as if I was not aware.
Nick - Nicolas – kept his thoughts to himself. If I could describe the spirit of a mean man, it was Nick! He was superficial and selfish - filled only with himself. Not approachable to others, even his own family. They were all strangers to him and held no interest.
Kevin was like a crackling wood fire. He was thinking about the previous night and their favorite pastime: to prove which was the strongest. To do this, they arm wrestled; it was very masculine and fun to watch and perform. The vote was unanimous. Kevin apparently had decided to control his anger and negative impulses and to do all over again tonight. Surely Nick would not agree to a new match tonight.
And I was suffering. I sighed. Oh! Conrad!
A change is needed. I cannot go on like this!
"Colonel?" Conrad's voice shook all my efforts.
I pulled myself together. I tried to clear my resentment, and change my expression. I let my hands fall to my knees. He had my full attention.
"Yes, soldier." I stared at a distant point on the horizon. Looking directly at Conrad would be a mistake.
"The Commander asked for you."
I did not turn my head. I continued to fix my eyes on the point on the horizon, as if nothing could touch me.
"Very well, soldier! Go." I did not move my head.
"Colonel!"
"Something else, soldier?" I sighed, still focused on my point.
"How do you do it?" he asked. "I mean, how you are able to..."
I got darker - an imperceptible change in the top of my mouth. It was nothing that should concern him. I was able to easily change my facial expression when a conversation bothered me. Yet Conrad's mind was now alarmed, and I felt a long discussion coming. I decided to cut it short. I formulated my answer quickly.
"Let's just say I have more experience than you, soldier." I continued to observe the horizon. I turned my head slowly towards him and continued on in the same detached tone of voice. "Fitting in, I think. Thanks soldier. You can leave now—"
"At your service, Sir! If you need me... just let me know!" He looked at me, and turned away.
I was happy to keep quiet. What could I say? I did not like to show myself defenseless. Such an experience - was it really necessary? Why do we feel safe only when we are able to control ourselves and push beyond our limits?