Tanya and Rob loved Anthony, but each of them had moments of doubt about the true nature of the boy they had adopted. They had been told that he might be handicapped mentally, but that had not proved to be the case. He had been strangely calm as a baby, but as he had grown, he had seemed like a normal child,
The baby books had been scrutinised and it seemed that Anthony was progressing. No signs of problems appeared as far as they could tell. Anthony went to nursery and then to school and none of his carers or teachers raised any major issues about his behaviour. Yes, there had been the biting and pinching thing, but that had sorted itself out. A feeling of unease, however, persisted.
Tanya would look at him sometimes and wonder what was going on in his head. Anthony didn't share a lot with either her or Rob. If she sat him down and said she wanted to talk he would tolerate her attention and feed her snippets just to keep her happy. He was indulging he. That was often confirmed by his sly grin.
"How was school today Anthony?"
"Pretty much the same as always."
"Come on, give me more than that. What about the lessons, is there anything that you need help with?"
"No, I'm fine. Ryan and I help each other if we are stuck."
It was good that he had such a nice friend like Ryan. Tanya liked to hear his name in conversation.
"So, you are getting on alright then."
"Yes, Mrs Rutledge said that she liked my essay. She's a nice lady."
"That's wonderful. You must tell your dad that when he gets home."
The smile on Anthony's face did not convince her. It was like a mask that he wore. It was a mocking, devious look, designed to deceive.
Taking the, lovely, blond boy home, after all they had been through, was like a dream. Things had not worked out quite how they had been envisioned. There were bound to be times when things went wrong. The usual stuff, broken windows, spilled drinks, and torn clothes, were expected. Whatever was going on with Anthony didn't fall into the "usual" category. How did one deal with a bad vibe?
Anthony reacted to events around him but it was not spontaneous. Every reaction was calculated. He would do what was expected of him rather than what he wanted to do naturally. Dad's asked me to play football so I must smile and look enthusiastic. Not, Dad's asked me to play football, followed by real excitement and dashing to get the ball.
There were hundreds of little examples when she had watched him stop to think before picking the best course of action. If he didn't do that, what might his real response be? If it was not natural for him to do the right thing then they may have a serious problem. He was still only a child and maybe he was anxious because he had been adopted. He wanted to do the right thing and please them.
"He tries so hard to please us. It's nice, but sometimes it feels forced." Tanya broached the subject with Rob.
"I know what you mean. It's not instinctive. He calculates what he thinks we want from him."
"I think it's because he was adopted. Maybe he thinks that we will send him away if he does the wrong thing. We must keep telling him that we will never get rid of him."
"I don't know what to think. Remember when we told him about the adoption. He didn't look at all troubled about it. He didn't ask any questions or get upset. Do you think he repressed his feelings?"
"That could be it. Are we equipped to help him if that is the case? Do you think he should have some counselling or something?"
"Have a look at professionals in the area and see if we can book him in somewhere. We might learn that he is fine, but at least we'll know."
Anthony visited the therapist a couple of times, but it was not something he wanted to do. Whatever was plaguing him could not be cured by a few cosy chats. The Doctor was the subject of his manipulations and she was soon convinced that he had no mental problems. There were only two visits before he was given the all clear. Tanya thought it was rather a rapid diagnosis, but had to accept the findings.
When Anthony got home from school, he would find his mother and want a hug. It was the only time he showed any affection towards Tanya. It was great to have this contact with her son, but she couldn't help but feel used. He was taking something from her each time and as soon as he was sated, he would move away and not look back.
~~~
Rob wanted to build a good relationship with his son. He wanted them to have all those childhood experiences which he had enjoyed. Anthony would play football in the garden or the park and liked going to the swimming pool. He was adamant about not wanting to go and see their local team play football. He had muttered something about "all those people" in his refusal to attend.
The boy tried hard to please. Rob could see him put on his enthusiastic face when he made a suggestion. It was strange therefore that he was so adamant about not going to watch a game of football at the stadium. It was not a mild dislike or an indifference it seemed to unnerve him in some way. After trying a couple of times to persuade him, Rob gave up.
Like Tanya he found some of Anthony's behaviour a bit odd.
"He played football with me. Anthony's a big lad and strong, but he doesn't throw himself into it. It's not his thing I suppose, but he tries. Afterwards he was all, oh I really enjoyed that, but its just to please me."
"At least he tries and wants to make you happy."
"He shouldn't feel obliged to do that though. Kids test you. They sulk and disobey. Not Anthony though. He's like an automaton."
"Don't say that. It's the adoption thing. We were told he might have problems emotionally."
"He's been with us all his life. He's had nothing but love and kindness. It's hard to think that he is still affected by the adoption."
"Well, I think he is fine. We are just paranoid. Maybe that's what it is. We're the ones with the hang up about him being adopted."
When Tanya and Rob talked about Anthony the conversations were fraught. Tanya would give all her excuses for the boy's actions, but her frown told another story. Eventually she had to admit that she was concerned about what sort of person Anthony would grow into.
"I'm worried about Anthony." Tanya said.
"Again?"
"Rob, listen. I know you have been saying things for years and I've been defending him, but I can't shake the feeling that you are right."
"Okay. What do you think is wrong?"
"Oh, it goes back years. The biting and pinching when he was in nursery. That look he gives when he is working out what to do. The little smiles when he has been caught doing something wrong. The lack of remorse when he is bad. All those books we read him as a toddler had no impact."
"Oh, all the fairy tales with their strong moral messages you mean."
"We've tried to teach him right from wrong. We've told him off and lectured him, but it all seems to go right over his head."
"Yes, I know. I can remember many times, telling him off and him nodding and apologising, but with this vacant look in his eyes. I knew that it wasn't really connecting with him. I've tried again and again. Lately, I haven't even managed to talk to him about stuff. We sit down and he smiles and chats and I forget about whatever the problem was."
"I know, he's a master at deflecting us. Why do we let him get away with it? Are we not committed enough as parents?"
"Come on Tanya. We have done everything that we can. He was an odd baby and he's grown up to be, well, amoral. That is in his nature and I don't think anyone could change him. All we can do is keep trying."
"You're right. I will never stop worrying about Anthony though. Or thinking that there is something else that we could have done."
~~~
Anthony found their preaching beyond boring and pointless too. He could see what they were trying to do, but they did not know about his true character. They did not know that inside of him was something that would dictate what his actions would be. He would put on his serious face and nod sagely during one of these lessons. That would keep them happy for a while.
The boy did feel emotions. Anger and pity were all too familiar. Tanya and Rob, with their endless moralising and lectures brought nothing but contempt. It was a game. A balancing act. Every now and then he had to throw them a bone. A bit of chat, or a smile, would restore the peace.
Anthony was already thinking about what he would do when he got away from his parents. No regular job, getting money posed no problem. In fact, the life of a king beckoned. Women, money, a bit of violence to meet his urges, and travel. Yes, he would travel a lot.