Chapter Three: Come on Nicole! I know you are lying.
My morning classes went great and now I am seeing Andrew.
"Hey." I smile at Andrew as I walk in his office.
"Come in Nicole." He smiles back at me.
I go and sit down on the couch. My hands won't stop shaking and I can't stop bouncing my foot. Sweat rolls down my neck. I feel really hot. I keep looking at my notebook for my food diary and journal. I can't think straight. I gotta get out of here!
"Nicole, what's wrong?" Andrew questions me.
I bet he can tell I am about to have an anxiety attack.
Shit.
"I'm fine." I lie.
"Cut the buttshit Nicole. Come on Nicole! I am know you are lying. What's wrong?"
I burst into tears.
"I am still really struggling with bad thoughts. I can't eat three meals a day. I feel so anxious. I don't know what to do anymore." I cry.
"Nicole, you can and will get through this."
"Really?" I wipe my tears with my shirt.
"Now take some deep breaths."
I take four deep breaths.
I can relax. I can do this. I am okay. I can do this. Relax Nicole. Relax Nicole.
I finally can catch my breath. I open my crochet bag and grab my yarn.
I love to crochet and it's great for anxiety. I make blankets, scarves, and hats. I have been doing it for years and Andrew never minds me crocheting in his office.
I begin to crochet this blanket I am making.
"Better now?" Andrew asks me.
"Much."
"Okay Nicole, let's get started."
***
After therapy I get in the car and think about what Andrew said. He said that the goal for me is to eat three meals a day. He says if I keep journaling and writing my food log, that should help. He listened to me about all the bad thoughts. He told me how I can fight those thoughts. It was a really good therapy session.
"Sage? Little? Spike? I'm home!" I call out as I walk into my apartment.
"In here." Sage calls out.
I walk in and see her drinking wine while watching tv. Spike is right beside her.
"Hey." I smile at her.
"How was your day?" I ask her as I sit down on the couch while Little comes and sits in my lap.
"It was exhausting: lots of homework, busy at work, and theatre practice is always tiring." Sage signs while she drinks more wine.
"I'm sorry. My day was kinda rough too." I sigh.
Sage jumps at me saying that and she asks : "Are you eating? Are you okay? What happened?"
"Calm down, I just had an anxiety attack at therapy but Andrew calmed me down." I explain.
"Have you been eating?" Sage won't let this question go.
"Yes, just now three meals a day. I eat more like two meals a day." I finally tell the truth.
"Okay, that's not bad. You scared me." She throws a pillow at me and I laugh.
"Sorry I scared you."
"I'm just glad you are okay now." Sage smiles.
I nod. Or at least, I hope so.
"Hey, tomorrow night Angel and I are going dancing and drinking. Want to come? Remember tomorrow is Friday so you should totally come!" Sage encourages me.
"Sure." I smile back at her.
"GIRLS NIGHT!!" Sage calls out.
I just laugh.
"I am exhausted Nicky, I am going to bed! Goodnight!"
"Goodnight!"
***
Dear Diary,
Today was rough. So I am NOT putting in my food log. If you got a problem with that, fight me. Anyways I had a panic attack at Andrew's office. Which was stressful to say the least. Tomorrow I am going out with Angel and Sage so that will be fun. When Sage asked if I was okay, I said I was but am I? I don't really know. I have been really struggling with bad thoughts and eating feels like a chore. Am I getting bad again?
Only time with tell.
To exhausted to write anything else. So I am going to bed.
Goodnight world!
-xoxo Nicky.