Su Na's face was long as sadness had overwhelmed her. Somehow, she felt rejected. This wasn't the first time a baby had cried when she attempted to carry them. It was awkward.
"I am not that person anymore. I have worked on myself", Su muttered.
"What did you say?", Xue Jing asked. She had been looking at her friend for the past five seconds and Su didn't even know. "What are you thinking about, woman?"
"I just feel sad, Xue. Nothing serious"
"Really?", Xue have her a sideways glance. "I have been looking at you. Tell me what is on your mind. Spill, Su"
"You know I told you I went for spiritual cleansing-", Su began.
"Wait. Is it because of the way Du cried? I told you not to worry about it"
[Oh Xue, only if you knew], Su thought as she continued; "the spiritual guide had told me some deep things, like energy from a past life kind of thing..." she trailed off, not knowing how to continue without telling Xue everything. And Su wasn't sure she was ready for that yet. It would require a lot of explaining and she didn't want changes in their relationship.
"Past life?", Xue asked, her brows creased.
Ren was in the home office, in one of the rooms they had converted for that purpose. He believed in such things despite being a lab scientist. Ren knew that spirits lived different lives, coming back to live again in another body or form after their previous biological death. He listened intently.
"Yes, Xue. Past life"
"Tell me about it", Xue said. [If her energy scares babies away... I do not know how to deal with that information. I have known Su for a long time], Xue thought. Who she knew Su to be was a jolly woman, who liked to have fun. There was no dull moment with Su. A very intelligent person. But sometimes, Su kept grudges for too long. Xue Jing also recalled a moment where Su had complained bitterly about not being able to conceive.
"What do you mean? You aren't even married yet", Xue had asked her.
"I wasn't on birth control pills with the person I dated previously but still... nothing. I want a child to be with me, even though I do not get married. I cant get old alone and my clock is ticking away, Xue", Su had complained bitterly. "I think it has something to do with my past life".
Su Na had been crying bitterly that time, so Xue didn't think she should ask her to expand on that statement she made.
Now, she asked her. "Su, remember that time you were trying to have a baby? About a year ago?"
"Yes. It's more than a year now though, but I remember, yeah. What about it?", her chin was still in her hand, her face long.
"You equally mentioned this 'past life' thing", Xue said.
"Oh?", Su Na didn't remember that part. [I have to be more careful when talking], he thought.
*WAHHH*
"The baby", Xue said. "We will talk about this, Su"
Su couldn't be more grateful for the distraction. She didn't know how she would escape telling Xue about how vile and wicked she was in her past life. [That person isn't me anymore], she thought. That was like a mantra to her now. Anytime she remembered, she would say 'THAT IS NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE', seven times. Even when she was around people. Then, when she opens her eyes, Su would see many eyes staring at her like she was mad.
Su Na's life wasn't easy at all. What she was previously, affected her new life now. Su had become aware that she had been reborn, by dreams and little recollections.
On her 7th birthday, she asked her mother; "Mom, do you know where Frodo is?"
"Who is Frodo?", her mother replied.
"The man that cut Karina's throat"
Her mother just stared at her with her eyes wide. "Did you watch that on tv?". She called out to Su's father, "Don't watch your horror movies in front of Su, honey!"
He walked into the living room, "I do not do that. We agreed I will not. What happened?"
"She is talking about someone slicing someone's throat", Su's mother was worried.
She became more worried when Su turned 10. Su had told her mum point blank; "My name was Marlena. I like that name, change my name, please"
"This child will not kill me", her mother muttered.
"I will not kill you, mother. I will not do what I did to Karina ever again"
Su's mother almost fainted.
She felt Su in the bedroom and ran to meet her husband in their own room. "We have to do something about Su. I don't know... but she is saying some strange things about what she 'did before'..."
And yes, they did something about it. Her parents carried her to a Daoist monk.
"She is a reincarnated soul", the monk had said.
From that time, her mother listened to whatever she remembered. She nurtured Su, telling her how wrong those things were. She was never to go down that path any longer. Sometimes, Su would cry all night... the scene of Karina's neck being sliced open... the blood... the pretense.
Su's mother would come into the room; "Baby, come on. Dry your tears. When you see those pictures again, say... 'I am not that person anymore', okay?"
"Okay, mommy".
* * *
Su felt she had been given a second chance to right her wrongs. She went out of her way to be good to people. Su gave to the poor a lot.
She would gather her clothes and take them to the homeless people on the streets. Sometimes, she would cook in large quantities and share the food to them. Most of the orphanages knew Su Na.
But now, it seemed like that essence still lingered, with the way Xue's baby had reacted to her.