Nonononono.
That can't be right.
My body started to tremble without me really noticing it.
I am here, right?
And I am thinking at the moment, right?
So that means I am alive… right?
I sat on the ground without realizing it. My arms are holding my legs and my tail is coiled around my body because I am afraid that I will vanish any second now.
I already had a bad premonition when I decided to look at me with my strange field of perception but this is even worse than I imagined.
Why am I empty?!
Of course I know, that I am some weird fantasy creature but at least I should be real… or am I?
Again I nearly started to hyperventilate but I prevented it by holding my breath completely.
Just stay calm. There must be a reason for this.
Maybe my whole existence until now was just like that and I only didn't notice.
Maybe I just [looked] wrong at myself? Actually that can't be it and there isn't even a chance of convincing myself. My field of perception is too accurate to be wrong and I learned that already.
But maybe this is just how my race is?
Oh.
Yes that could be it.
I have no idea what my race really is – what I really am – so this is quite possible.
You are so clever, rational me.
Well, I have to care for myself, so I need to be clever, silly me.
The trembling slowly stopped.
Should… should I [look] again?
Actually that would be a good idea.
Uhm, rational me, you do realize that seeing myself just gave me a panic attack, do you? So what should be good about doing it again? Not that I am not curious though.
Well, silly me, I guess the biggest shock is over so I should observe myself as a precaution. What if I notice something about myself that startles me in a situation where I have to be fully concentrated?
Ah, yes that sounds plausible.
And I am curious what I am to be honest…
Oh you sly, rational me.
…
…
Then I should do it…
But I somewhat am afraid…
Haaaa~~~~
Okay I will do it but I need a short countdown to prepare myself mentally.
What does sound like a realistic time? 10.000?
Yes something like that. But I will count down the prime numbers starting from 10.007.
Why 10.007?
It's just a funny number that is also the closest prime number to 10.000.
Okay here I go.
…
…..
....
I concentrate on the part of my that is always calculating and counted down quite fast.
Nonetheless I only finished when the sky started to get brighter but the sun hasn't come up yet.
Here we go.
The small creature in the middle of my field of perception.
I can clearly see its body like I can see the plants and stones around me but when I concentrate a bit more… hollow.
There is no problem in [seeing] the insides of the plants and in a stone… well there is more stone.
When I peek into the closest home I even can [see] the still sleeping granny and concentrating a bit more I can [see] her innards.
Gross!
But then why don't I have those?
…
Hmmm… huh?
Watching the Granny without looking deeper made me realize something.
The outlines of her body are "hard" like the stone or the bark of the small tree near me. My jacket is the same too.
But my skin is not.
Its just there to mark my position but in my field of perception it [looks] like everything can get trough it.
Actually it doesn't just look like that.
The mana-stuff around me that behaves like air and moves with the slightest wind just passes trough my skin, mixes a bit with it and just escapes on the other side again.
How should I put it?
It's like when you breathe against a very thin cloth in the winter. Some of the breathing steam passes just right trough it but a part curls up at the cloth for a moment.
Yes that is how my body is.
…
Uhm.
When there is magic then there is probably something like magically created illusions or a mirage and the like.
...And I somehow suppose, that an illusion in my field of perception would look like a thin layer but nothing really there…
So am I even real?
…
This… is terrifying…
CALCULATE!
The silly me suddenly shouted and at the same time the part of my brain that always counts and calculates began screaming the numbers.
I am really glad that my brain reacted this way to protect my mind because I interrupted my line of thoughts like that.
Of course I am real.
I can feel and think so I must be real.
My body can interact with my surroundings and I can get hurt or bleed and there is no way an illusion should be able to do that.
Also I can't think of the slightest reason to create an illusion like me. It just would be a waste of mana I suppose.
So I have to be real, right?
I just agree with this line of thought.
Eh?
Wait a moment!
I waited but I couldn't even get angry at myself for it.
So I can get hurt and bleed. That should mean, that there is something inside of me.
With a short experiment I could test it.
But I don't really want to thought.
I lift up my arm and without thinking any further bite into my wrist before I can stop myself.
Good job, silly me. I wouldn't have dared to do that.
My sharp teeth pierce into the flesh easily and blood pours into my mouth.
Somehow my brain is perplexed because I didn't realise that I would bleed when I do this. I just wanted to create a wound.
Since when am I so messed up, that I don't think of such an obvious thing? Ah well.
A bit surprised I let go of my wrist and close my eyes again just to [stare] at the wound.
I can clearly [see] it!
Many tiny holes where I bit myself and blood is generated in them.
But it's not as expected.
The holes just seem to be the new outline of my body now and the surrounding mana didn't behave different in any way on that point.
The blood on the other hand is a bit more interesting.
It's actually not blood!
It feels like blood, tastes like it, smells like it and when it drips onto the ground even sounds like it. I bet a chemical analyse would say this is blood too but it's not.
The mana that is in my body on my wrist doesn't just pass through my skin like everywhere else on my body. Well at least not all of it.
Some of the mana concentrates on the small holes and leaves there in the form of blood.
So the mana that gets into me behaves in this way and copies the reaction of a human body when I get hurt? Strange.
Why would it do that?
I mean; if I don't really bleed then why copy the act of bleeding?
Body you are weird.
And it gets much more weird…
The holes that I bit into my wrist started to heal up very quickly.
Normally a human body would heal a wound with cell division and up until now I had thought that my body did the same but in a far higher speed. Actually I feared this concept because cell division is limited…
But what I see now is even more scary in a different way.
Like with the blood some mana that just passed trough me concentrated on the holes and created new cells.
The part that was the wound before and was now underneath my new skin just became mana again.
So as long as there is mana in my surroundings I can regenerate as much as I want? What an astonishing but terrifying discovery.
Well I suppose that lethal damage is out of the question but I can't think of a situation in which I would have to receive that anyways.
Wait a minute.
I only waited for about twenty seconds an I am quite proud of myself for that.
Is this state of me the reason why I don't get hungry or tired? It would also explain why I don't even need to breathe.
So, my first impression of the children was, that they seemed "hungry" when their amount mana was nearing its limit.
But in my case the mana is always just passing through me so that it wont empty itself. So the moment I do something exhausting I get refreshed instantly?
Wow I am pretty amazing.
What? Someone said this was terrifying just a few minutes ago? That can't possibly me. There is no way.
…
Hnnn…
I ponder a bit.
If my observations and conclusions are correct, that means I only have a minimal amount of mana for use but it gets refilled instantly.
So I won't be able to do big magic stuff but I could still copy the basics, right?
I guess so.
There is actually no need to use magic if I can't use more than the basics that even little children can use though.
Ah shut up, rational me! This isn't a question of need. It's the romance of using magic. The rational me wouldn't understand.
To keep myself from arguing with me I recalled the movement the youngest girl made to create small movement in the water.
It should be like that.
My left arm drew something into the air that would look like a simple mandala. Or to stay with the aesthetics; a witches circle. I know this because it was the cover of my book but to be honest I have no idea if they really should look like this.
Of course there was only the movement of my hand and arm. The mana inside of me didn't react at all.
Was it because I didn't aim at some water?
No the movement in the mana should still be there even if it ends up as a wasted shot.
But how do I move it?
Hnnngg~
…
Wooo~
…
Tssss~
…
Nope.
Making silly noises in my head doesn't help at all.
It's like grasping the flow of ones own blood and then making it move by sheer willpower. What a ridiculous thing to do.
But even the children could do it.
No wonder they use those drawings. I can't even manage to move my mana in the slightest so how should it be possible without the drawing? I apologize mentally to the oldest boy who I thought had good movements but bad concentration. He really seemed to be a genius now that I think about it.
But no time to stay in the past.
The sun is nearly fully visible so I would assume that there is not that much time left until the woodcutters go to work and I have to hide under the bush again.
Leaving? No thank you, I want to learn even more today.
And as a good student I should practice a bit before the lessons start.
With that in mind: hooo~~
…
…
…
Onehundredthirtyone failed attempts.
Onehundredthirtyone times I drew the circle and nothing happened. But then;
MOVEMENT!
The flow of mana that left my body on the fingertips followed the movement of the drawing.
It only did that for an instant and I stopped the movement out of surprise but it definitely followed the movement!
Hey rational me, how did I do that? Did you grasp the concept?
Something like a smile that shows how pathetic the silly me is flashed in my mind as I raised my hand once more and drew the circle once again. The flow of mana followed my movement and I understood how to do it at the same time.
How could I not get it?
It's like breathing – the simplest and most natural thing in the world. Not that I even breathe most of the time though.
I draw the last line in the middle of the circle to create a floating picture made out of mana into the air. There is no water that it aims at so it will just vanish I guess but I am endlessly proud of myself anyways.
It did not vanish.
A very loud, deafening bang sounded the moment I finished the drawing like an explosion right in front of me and a shockwave pushed me backwards.
I rolled back about thirty meters trough the still moist grass until I hit hard against a tree.
My whole body hurts but I was too perplexed to realise it.
What was that?!
Did I do it wrong?
Is that what happens when one does not use this on water? That can't be, right?
Otherwise the granny wouldn't have thought this to children. The would kill themselves instantly.
So what did I do wrong?
The drawing was perfect and the flow of mana was even better than what the children did.
Completely confused I stared at the place where I was just seconds before and didn't notice the movement in my field of perception.
Of course that explosion would be heard in the small village and wake people up.
The first door that got thrown open was the one from the grannys house and the owner came out with a bewildered look as she searched for the origin of that loud sound.
Oh no…
Run!