James Ulysses Winchester was a 25 years old man that was utterly addicted to guns. His addiction was so bad that he nearly got his precious gun collection of 2000+ taken away by the IRS multiple times. Fortunately for him, he had sensible parents that cared. So, every once in a while (every three months) they'd come and assess the situation. Sometimes he'd get slapped on the back of his head, but for the most part he behaved and paid his taxes.
Now, many would think that James would know gun safety being a gun nut, but here's a little secret, he doesn't. James has never shot a gun, he lives in California, and most of his gun collection is illegal. Somehow though, god decided to bless him so that he wouldn't get arrested EVER. It's amazing how he was never arrested for his gun collection, and EVERYBODY knows! Even gang members in prisons near his area knew, they were completely baffled. Most neighbors thought he had luck 100.
This led James to being complacent and reckless. One night, down in his humidity controlled basement, he decided to drill holes in a METAL gun barrel 5 inches away from GUNPOWDER. Needless to say, everything in his house blew sky high. The only fortunate thing to come out of this is that there was a big enough fire for everyone in the neighborhood to make s'mores. Unfortunately for James, he met God that night.
"Ugh, why do I have to judge humans?" God cried in a childish tone. "It may have to do with the fact you made these hairless apes." Archangel Gabriel calmly stated while sipping chamomile tea. "Oh well to be fair I thought I'd do a 'one and done' sort of deal." God sheepishly admitted. If looks could kill Gabriel would have killed God at least 30 times by now. "God, we will be tal-"Gabriel was furiously stating before he was so rudely interrupted."Sorry to interrupt your one-on-one time boss, but we got a special case here." spoke a mailman angel. God sighed and prayed thanks to ultra god (ultra god doesn't exist unfortunately). Gabriel however glared at God and gazed forward to see a white youth with golden medium length hair, a well trimmed golden beard, and a giant gaping hole on the left side of his head. "Flex tape won't fix that!" God snickered. Gabriel massaged his forehead and muttered, " I'm surrounded by idiots."
James woke up on a small circular platform about 10ft in diameter and 2 inches tall (~4cm) he scanned his environment to see that 1. he was naked and his mast was limp
2. the angels were guys instead of girls 3. there were no 72 virgins 4. he noticed he was in some sort of medieval looking throne room and 5. he noticed a spherical object glowing as brightly as the sun and a six winged angel sitting on a comfortable looking cushioned chair with a teacup and saucer. While he was looking, he heard them speak about idiots and flex tape, thoroughly perplexing him. 'Why would angels need duct tape?'
Gabriel looked toward the naked man and stated, "Why doesn't he have any clothes whatsoever?" There was obvious confusion and a hint of humor in his eyes. "Well, he's the victim of an accidental explosion." God wearily replied. James, hearing this news pondered on what to do in this sordid affair. 'Well this could be a hallucination or quite simply, insanity.' "How does one accidentally explode?" questioned Gabriel, interrupting James' thoughts. "Well, you see-" "Oh, just give me his death report." Gabriel said while interrupting God. James heard a constant repetition of hmmm's and erms emitting from Gabriel. "So basically this dipshit decided to put sparks near an intentionally explosive compound and died? Are guns really worth that much?" Gabriel said sarcastically. "Well I like to think of it as the heat of passion. I mean that was how you were made." God calmly replied with a hint of a smile on the edge of his lips. Gabriel looked disgusted and embarrassed and tried to move on. "Anyways, will he go to hell, heaven, or purgatory?" asked Gabriel."Well I thought I would try something new, reincarnation." God stated. Gabriel looked upon God with confusion plastered over his face. "Why may I ask? It didn't work last time because the evil people were still evil." Gabriel stiffly stated. "It'll be different this time right James?" God asked. James, who zoned out, was thinking about guns with his mast partially up was reeled into reality. Gabe (Gabriel) noticed this and looked away with a cherry-red face. God nonchalantly looked forward and said "Well?" James gazed towards God and said "Ok." Gabe choked with laughter and fell wheezing. God, feeling approval for his next course of actions went ahead and yeeted James towards the omniverse. "The Lord yeeteth and yoinketh away so says God." God loudly stated while Gabe looked on James with curiosity and a smile.
Meanwhile, James was zooming through the entirety of existence, seeing unknown horrors and delightful beauties. Seeing more than a man could or should ever see. James for once in his life began to think about other things besides guns. He pondered about life and wondered about family. About what truly causes happiness. The collective time of his travel through existence was in total, over 10,000,000,000,000 years. He spent his time wisely thinking about what he was gonna do next. He knew that he was obviously going to be reincarnated and that he was given another chance, but something felt wrong. He questioned why was this happening to him? The only answer he could think of was that quite simply, God was bored.
As James continued his endless thinking, he soon saw a planet that had a strange aura, as if it was inviting him. James examined the planet closely and found that it had a cozy sort of feeling you'd get at your grandparents or friends, something that just subtly whispers home. James then felt a force akin to God push him towards the planet. He felt he was going faster and faster, faster than ever before, and then he stopped. He crashed landed in a random forest, but it was... getting larger? No he was getting smaller and smaller! Soon, his consciousness faded.
As a newly wedded couple strolled on a smooth path beside the forest, they saw a shooting star with a beautiful green tail soaring through the sky. The man calculated that the star would land in the forest beside them and rushed his beloved to precious shelter. Fortunately for him, he was right. However, he interrupted his wife talking about her wish to the star for a baby. she looked at him with a stone cold gaze, but she was ignored as the man went into the forest. He quickly found the crash site only to be stunned to the highest degree. There was an actual baby in the crater! He scooped it up and wrapped it in his wedding coat. His young and lively wife ran towards him screaming and accidentally ignored the baby in his arms. She began to beat down her husband with a force that is above the gods.The husband fell and dropped the baby. The woman seeing this, magically lifted the baby and sighed, then she continued to beat her husband.