I got a new friend yesterday.
She's beautiful.
She felt closer to me than anyone else right now.
It may be obvious, but I thought to myself that I wanted to be more than friends with her.
Maybe when I caught her hand, It portrayed my feelings for her.
However, she didn't seem to be interested to be in those relationships with me.
I didn't ask her yet, but what would she felt when I asked her to befriend yesterday and a couple today?
I confessed it to Amelia.
I was telling her all of this when she was watching a movie while eating popcorns.
She looked at me surprised, dropped her bowl of popcorns, and patted her hand on my shoulder.
It was like she was saying, "I already knew that since the beginning."
She then finished her popcorns in her mouth.
She told me, "Kyle, you cannot do that. You will only creep her out. Trust me. I'm a woman now. The only thing you should do is you should become closer to her so she feels more comfortable with you. So, she will start to open up to you."
"How did I make her feel closer to me? I didn't know what she likes to do or what she hates about. How would I know the words I said wouldn't hurt her?"
It felt weird to asked her this.
Somehow down the way, I felt like everything I did will be accepted by everyone.
It felt like I was given special privileges so I become healthier in the future.
I know it sounds weird and stupid, but it felt really suffocated like I was in the hospital.
But at least I had someone like Amelia, Hannah, and my friends beside me.
But now it is my time to make changes in someone's life.
I know, who am I to decide that?
Am I a god? Am I a savior?
No, I just saw someone similar to me in a way that I didn't want her to become like me.
I need to save her to save myself.
I asked her that question and she smiled, "You just have to become you."
I stared at her with completely blank eyes.
I didn't understand her words, but in some ways, it made sense, kind of.
*********
All of the confession was the night of the same day I became friends with Nana.
It started normally.
She arrived a little late than me.
She sat behind me.
She stayed silent during the whole class session.
I was normal.
But when the recess bell rang, I stood up and asked her, "Nana, would you like to have lunch together?"
She smiled at me. "Sure. Let's go to yesterday's place."
I was so happy.
My heart was like beating so fast like it was almost jumping out from my body.
Then I saw the group of boys from yesterday.
They smiled at me and gave me a thumbs up. Like they were saying, "Nice job dude!"
I let out small chuckles to them.
I really was lucky to have such friends.
**********
We were sitting on the bench together.
My heart was racing as I looked around and saw that nobody was around us.
We were completely isolated from other people.
I took a look at her.
She was looking down at her own hands.
Her face looked a little red.
Maybe she was scared of me because she thought that I was weird.
Or she...
No, I shouldn't think about it.
I should think of a topic now.
I looked at the sky.
"The sky is pretty, isn't it?"
...
She kept quiet.
Never in my life, I felt this awkward.
We kept quiet for a minute.
Was she really uncomfortable with me?
Was she like was forced to become friends with me?
Those waves of thought kept coming into my head.
"Was being friends with me was a mistake?"
Wait, I said it out loud.
before I took a look at her, she sprung from the bench and shouted at me, "No! I'm not."
That caught me off guard.
I didn't think that she could make her voice high like that.
"Kyle, you are the first person I was comfortable with. Please don't think like that." She returned to her small voice.
Honestly, I'm kind of glad she screamed.
She made me felt that she became closer to me.
However, I was curious, Why she could scream at me like this and not with anyone else?
I stood up and looked into her eyes.
"Nana, what am I to you?"