(before chapter 47)
Martin and I walked side by side in silence. Today, for once, I wore jeans, I could convince my maids that women could also wear jeans without immediately being labelled as yokels. Especially as today would be my last day. I had given the letter to Martin, who had promised to give it to the prince. I hoped Nicolas could understand my decision. It broke my own heart, but it was best for both of us. I didn't belong in this world and, conversely, neither did he belong in mine. "Your Majesty.'', Martin bowed and I stopped abruptly. Had he led me to him or was it a coincidence to meet him right here? Either way, Nicolas looked at me impressively. I didn't know what emotion to have now. I was overwhelmed. My heart was beating so fast that I felt as if it were about to burst out of me. "Lady Belle, may I accompany you for the day"', his voice sounded reserved but friendly. Martin laughed softly and bowed, wanting to give us space. As soon as the footsteps stopped echoing, I looked for a bench and held my head. So my fate was sealed. Would he now bid me an official farewell? ''I received the letter,'' he finally began to speak, ''Even if I don't want to, I won't keep you here against your will. I'm sorry I kept you so long," I squinted my eyes and could see clearly again. There was no reply. I stared at the wall opposite me, a painting of a flower meadow. Painted it was impressionist, one of the few things that survived the past. I sprayed as he sat down next to me. I don't know why it's hanging here, it's not very imaginative,' he tried to close the gap between my words and his. He had not responded to my apology. It's beautiful, it has survived for thousands of years,' I replied quietly. You know, the really beautiful one is sitting right next to me. But it has decided to leave,'' he turned to me, I felt his gaze on me. He had just paid you a compliment, Belle, answer him. You'd never be happy with me," I reached for his hand, it was warm in contrast to mine. I hoped it would make it easier for me to say goodbye. My hands were always cold, it ran in our family. Experts said it was because the lower castes only took food supplements and so no real nutrients got into our blood. He buried his fingers in mine and I rested my head on his shoulder. "I didn't think it would end like this," he stated sadly. I slid away from him and sat cross-legged. We were silent. At some point he cleared his throat: "I know your decision is final, but you still owe me this one favour." I tilted my head and waited for him to continue. "Have a date with me and have it today." "Nicolas, I can't do it," I stammered. "Please, you owe me this, you can leave the palace tomorrow, I won't stand in your way." I gave in and agreed, albeit with an uneasy feeling.
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My feet made a muffled sound as they stepped across the carpeted floor of our girls' wing. Aldwyn accompanied me to prince Mehr with whom I was to have tea in the afternoon. It was the first time I had been a guest in his immediate chambers. Previously, I had only tangled in the private wing. In my defence, everything here looked confusingly similar also the ladies. "May I ask you a question?", I turned to Aldwyn Terrell, who, as always, kept the appropriate distance and paced behind me. I was not long in this manor and I had at least one true friend, myself. He jumped up briefly, I stopped, he too. "Of course," his voice sounded brittle, as if he hadn't spoken for a long time. The sun broke through the light from the long windows. The clouds thawed slightly, individual drops bundled the light and coloured the créme-white wall in rainbow colours. I brushed my hair behind my ear a little nervously and took a breath before continuing: "Are the guards also able to find love?" My assumption seemed to surprise him, for he furrowed his brow. I hoped that I did not offend him. Suddenly a shiver ran down my spine, I was not sure where It came from. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're getting at, miss Stokes." I became uncertain and tried again, "I meant, is your family also bound to the royal family and are you not allowed to get into a serious relationship?" His wrinkles deepened. "Something like that, I entered into a contract with the Gold Companion. I have committed myself to serve all my life. Again, the Gold Companion is subordinate to the royal house, so I cannot choose where I am deployed. Of course, aptitude tests are conducted before the admission process, but that is rather incidental. I can be transferred to the front or anywhere else from one day to the next. However, if you will allow me a counter question, what makes you think that?" I swallowed and put my fingers on the back of my neck and looked to the side: "I heard some maids talking about it recently, I just can't remember which tome it was in.", I lied. I was afraid that Lillemor wasn't supposed to tell me about it. I wanted to avoid getting her in trouble. "I see. Why is this bothering you so much Miss Stokes? Are you thinking of becoming the Prince's Chosen One?" I sighed deeply and replied that I couldn't imagine becoming a princess one day, let alone a queen. Furthermore, was I the second one, whom Mehr would choose. His parents prefferd to take Charlotte-Luise Portich. I do not dislike her but she was not my favourite person. "It just preoccupied me, being limited myself in this society but seemingly having more choice than other girls, and that I was never aware of it and felt guilty. "You don't have to admit guilt at all Miss Alice Valentina Stokes. You are no more responsible for this model of society than the rest of the people." He tried to cheer me up, but it did nothing to dampen my feelings. It tided on my heartstrings.
(source: the secret dairy of Lady Alice Stokes, future queen of Little England)