Monsters Within

EVERYONE and when I say everyone I mean everyone no matter who they are always has some trauma in their life that they feels makes them uniquely suffering alone despite others going through the same trauma if not worse. as individuals we all believe our suffering is one of a kind and that we deserve to be compensated or acquitted for that suffering. a truth of the world is that perspective is in the eye of the beholder and we all suffer but it's the perspective that often says whose is worse mine or yours. the same could be said about how we perceive ourselves to some you seem a hero but to yourself you feel cursed you feel alone and feel like you can't tell no one about it. well this was me for the longest time I buried deep inside a secret I felt needed to be hidden and I stayed to myself. I caused innumerable amounts of pain that can't be undone not just to my own being but that of others. before I begin to bore you let's clarify some things when they say immortal it doesn't mean invincible immortal simply means longer lived than mortality would permit and yes difficult to kill depending on where it's applied but not invincible and un-killable. That was my predicament thinking I was un-killable cause I lived through alot. it warped my mindset for a time and yeah I know alot of people say they are a monster over the smallest things but I lived with a monster inside me I lived in constant fear of myself to the point my own fear became my own control over everything. Now remember I said we all suffer an ordeal we feel makes us more qualified to say no one understands, this is where I introduce you to what I could remember of my ordeal. I was five years old and one day I walked in on a scene I thought only happened to others. As I came around the bend of my bedroom wall to the living room there stood my father with my mother's throat in his hands what I saw took me time to process and accept just not as long as it did for my mother who took years after. my father's figure was warped his eyes blood ruby red and his teeth sharpened and he still looked human he wasn't entirely monster but I had a feeling there was more and he was barely even started. he was snarling at my mother about a dishrag and how he'd use whatever the hell he pleased to wipe his hands and she could get over it. I thought the argument was excessively addressed now, but then I couldn't get past what I was seeing I couldn't even fathom or believe it nor did I want to. I snapped though because the asshole was never around and my momma was my friend all I remembered was the discomfort and intense heat rolling through my body and feeling like my skin was clothes that were too tight for me and being extremely itchy all over like having lice but worse. one minute I was in the hallway next I was on him digging at his shoulder then I bit hard feeling his blood spurt from his shoulder into my mouth like a fruit gusher I was ecstatic. he swore and yelled and flung me across the room face first into the table. I knew nothing till I heard the sirens and cops asking questions and strangers poking and prodding me and my mother's sweet voice. I don't remember getting up or running to her my mother saying it was just his favorite costume and hugging her for dear life. the cops asked questions and I only vaguely remember saying "he tried to kill us". beyond that everything else my young mind decided to block and suppress. they deduced my father was a monster for attacking his family over a dish towel but how little they truly knew was what set me on edge. As the years progressed I had nightmares as my mind tried telling me the truth but my conscious mind refused to let me remember what my subconscious tried to tell me. my nightmares always persisted the same way I started out moving through a nice dream fields playing laughing with my family but then my fathers eyes turned red he'd start screaming at us for digging in the dirt and he'd move towards us soon I was running through woods bedrooms frantic for a hiding place as he called to me telling me I was different that I wasn't like my brothers I wasn't even his child as I moved towards what I felt was safety the room was torn to shreds and there he stood beckoning as he turned into a monster from myth. his face ripped out towards me in the semblance of an animals snout and his fangs were dripping saliva while his muscle mass stretching his skin tight and fur spread in certain areas his claws reached for me then I was across a fire he looked human while I dug at my face and he screamed and chanted dressed like an Indian for me to purge the evil spirit from within my being as I howled and lunged for him and ripped him to shreds feeling like my anger was an insatiable thirst and hunger that couldn't be clenched. it drove me mad it ate me alive and I felt like I was just so burdened with it I couldn't control it. each and every time the same nightmare the same drive to escape and the same ending. my mother one day black eye and really bad scratches said she was taking me to a counselor that she had no choice the neighbors made so many complaints law enforcement called CPS and we were ordered to do family counseling or she'd lose us. for weeks I didn't talk to the counselor until the counselor asked me why my dad ended up in prison. I told her why but what my mother told her was the reason for the fight wasn't the one my mind latched upon using to protect me from my own sad truth I had yet to discover. it led to my mother fighting in court to keep us kids. one day she sat me down and she said "it's best we forget this conversation but before we do I want to explain something to you. me leaving doesn't mean I don't love you we have to approach this differently. there are somethings you can tell others and something's best left to yourself and one day I hope you won't ever have to know the difference between the two even though I know you will. I love you and remember your not a monster your just gifted." she left never heard from her again I was dumped at my great grand parents in the middle of nowhere and eventually I made it around to going to school. as I made it through kindergarten and middle school I still had to see the shrink because they were worried about my well being despite my mother doing as they wanted and stepping out of our lives. I became close to my grandmother who lived with my great grand parents everything seemed fine till one day it wasn't. as my tenth birthday came that was when it started I couldn't remember what happened but I had a strange sense I knew. my mind though was still trying to protect me..the school often had me in detention and when that couldn't work cuffs to a desk was a measure everyone even CPS agreed upon and isolation from other students. I often heard them whisper rooms away that if they were to say anything no one would believe them that they themselves couldn't believe it. they often questioned my birth heritage and I had labs every week at school they told me it was cause I was terminally sick and ill that I needed special monitoring. I at one point heard mention of the curious fact that the full moon had no bearing over it and that I was constantly afflicted unlike legend said I would be. I never understood till I learned to stay to myself and keep studying in the hopes of knowing. I took my meds they gave me they said they were a supplement and over time the instances of gap in my memory where I blacked out from rage began to disappear I never experienced change in myself till I got blood on my hands from an inadvertent kill. I couldn't remember what I was doing and how others came to be harmed and it no longer occurred but they said I was no longer blacking out and there was no reason to keep monitoring me as long as I took my prescriptions. I searched my prescriptions realizing they had iron and a silver precursor powder in them for viral infections and helped boost the immune system. I was curious as to what virus would need such treatment because I also noted they weren't FDA approved OTC drugs so they had to be specially made. my great-grandfather often talked about how better of I was and that my stability had much improved but the meds made me feel like there was a part of me being suppressed and controlled and I had no idea what. it was the year I over heard my great-grandfather talking about my mother's condition and saying "well it runs in the family especially when we can't rid ourselves of drawing them mongrel monsters to us. she was bound to contract it easier than genetically as many of us do. lupus is our plight in this family just as it is in a wild wolf pack and her death if and when it comes would be painfully slow." it was my first real clue that actually had anything close to being related to possibly what I was and I knew what it was about especially cause he mentioned the drug I was taking was helping her as well and that she was in pennsylvania. I began researching lupus and alternative drug treatments that weren't OTC drugs. as I began digging further and further away I felt maybe there still was something I was missing just like that part of me I could faintly feel there that part I could hear but not touch and see. I dug deeper studying harder it was when I turned twelve that I was to find out how cruel life was. I was diagnosed with a congenital heart disease and hole deteriorating my heart rapidly and I wasn't to make it to my 15th birthday. my great-grandparents discussed with my grandmother the fact that it was no surprise this was happening because their side was only side plagued with such mortal illnesses and that my grandmother's ex husband my mother's father was the reason my mother was the way she looked and was the way she was despite it killing her slowly over time. when I thought over time I thought it meant like periodically by the time she hit 83 or something but as long as she took the meds it'd take even longer. they said it was curious the meds would do the opposite to me and instead of strengthen me as they did for her they weakened me. they figured if I'd stop the meds I'd be fine. I decided it was time to take their words I wasn't supposed to hear and do exactly that test their theories and see how far this could go. I needed to prep first before hand and all I needed for that was to know certain things like how to fake taking my pills and then from there where to dispose of them and some damn good acting skills and what my viral disease was that they were treating. this was what led me to non fiction isle to a book called the werewolf survival guide and there they mentioned a drug similar to my own and its effects. I wasn't sure but I figured to test this theory might be my best bet because it appeared this drug was what was weakening me and allowing human disease and other worse genetic traits to infect and kill me. the drug was suppressing the innate beast living inside me caused by a latent virus mutated from generations ago when the first human caught lupus from a wolf that died of it and it was then we understood that we share such a close percentage of genetics with animals. instead of lupus killing him his body somehow mutated it's effects and used it to save him whilst cursing him all the same. then it sprung generations of problems for his descendants. this info compiled in one book and all the studious collecting of info to help those of us whether infected through injury by one, or by birth could combat it and understand we have an option to take certain prescriptions that it will kill us by us getting sick rapidly with various genetic disease or viruses or infections or whatever or live plagued as others have just for a chance at longevity. at the time I thought it was a simple choice cause self preservation told me I didn't want to die not now every time I'm looking back I think that the book should've included a warning for what would happen if I chose not to treat the viral infection daily. I made up my mind devised a way to faking taking the meds and began drama class in high school for acting so I could become a good lier to hide what I was doing. I understood the changes and what physical things to look for in myself to prevent occurrences but it wasn't enough because I was born not made so I was unprepared for the fact that my curse would be triggered through a fit of rage where I would kill someone close to me and trigger the change to my heritage and the killer beast within.