A memory came back to me. That stuffed animal looked like Sakai's.
When I was in elementary school, my parents were still living with me and Chizu was not sick. Everything was fine.
I, the biggest loner in Japan, had always been left out of the activities of other children. When they were having fun in the park next to our school, I would go home and read manga or play video games.
When we had to work in groups, I was alone. And I liked this way of life. Not owing anything to anyone and being apathetic suited me well.
One day, my mother forced me to go out. She was tired of me always being locked up in my room.
That day it was very hot, so I sat on a bench in the park, in the shade, under a cherry tree. My classmates were playing around the slide, not paying attention to me. While I was reading, a girl came up to me and told me that I could call her Sakai. She was also wearing a long scarf just like Anzu. This girl stayed next to me while I was reading. She seemed to be quite reserved, yet she had the courage to ask me to play with her.
Surprised, I made her understand with a movement of the head that I did not want to. She seemed quite sad that I had rebuffed her initiative.
The next day, my mother made me go to the park again. Sakai was sitting on the same bench where I was the day before. I was sitting next to her and reading my manga without paying attention to her.
Suddenly, she had proposed I play together again, and I had refused again. It had become, over time, a habit, I would sit down, push away her desire to play with me, and then continue devouring my shōjo.
One day, the rain fell and pressed my hair against my forehead. I noticed Sakai joining me, with manga in her left hand, an umbrella in the other. She had covered my head, before saying to me.
—You will catch cold if you do not dry yourself, idiot.
Then she gave me the eleventh volume of Kimiuso*, the last one of the seasons that had just come out.
—Here, it's for you, I brought it.
She went to get it in the pouring rain? She's really crazy now that I think about it.
—Thank you,' I replied shyly.
I remember that scene very well. When I thanked her, her cheeks flushed, and then she retorted, probably to tease me.
—I was afraid you were dumb, stupid.
She wasn't wrong, in almost three months, this was the first time I had spoken to her.
Why did I refuse for so long?
Since that day, we had started, little by little, to have fun together. Having never smiled or laughed with anyone but my sister, I didn't know how to do it.
As the days and weeks went by, my body wanted to express all kinds of emotions that I had always rejected until then. Sakai had taught me how to express them. I laughed for the first time with her while playing. I had shown feelings of lack, anger and even jealousy.
We had many fantastic moments, like going to the amusement park, or to the movies. These were moments rich in emotions. She and I spent our weekends and vacations having fun.
One day, while I was watching her in the distance, my heart started to beat at an exceptional speed. When she was close to me, it bothered me. I didn't know this kind of feeling. So I decided to tell her everything I felt, all my unexplainable feelings. I thought that maybe she knew what it meant.
That day, I took my courage in both hands and went to her house. Outside the door, I inhaled as much as I could before overhearing a conversation between her family. They seemed to be arguing about the place of moving. Sakai was not interrupting her shouting and begging them to stay. She had confided to her parents that she was in love with a boy, and she didn't want to lose sight of him.
I was silly, innocent, but not stupid. I understood that I should not go back to their home, not for the moment.
Not knowing where to go, I went to the park to read my manga. I couldn't stop imagining what would happen if the only friend I had made in this world disappeared.
Sakai arrived and ran to me with tears in his eyes.
—I'm leaving in a week, Kinari.
This sentence had upset me.
She had to move to Osaka, she said, and all she did was cry. I tried to console her, as best I could.
As drops were running down her cheeks, she suggested that we make some memories before she left.
We decided to go to the amusement park, this was where we had spent most of our time. During our walk, I noticed a stuffed animal in a UFO Catcher booth. I had the idea to give it to him as a gift. I put a coin in the machine and won one.
Great, I thought.
I gave it to her with a smile.
This stuffed animal is identical to the one I saw in Anzu's room, I'm sure of it now.
A little later, still in the same place, I had spotted a purikura.
It's a perfect souvenir, I thought.
A trick had been inserted in my mind. I had asked Sakai to wait for me while I went to the bathroom. I took the opportunity to sneak into the cabin to take a picture. When I came back to Sakai, I slipped this souvenir into his backpack.
These were the last two things I could live with Sakai.
A few days later, on a dark day, when the rain had pressed my hair against my forehead, Sakai was going to the station. I joined her.
—Sakai!
I have to tell her before she leaves.
—My…
I inhaled the air, swallowed my saliva and felt my body contract.
I had to do it, I had to know, I had to tell.
—My heart beats like crazy when you're with me!
Her tears were flowing again.
—Me too, Kinari!
The silence was eerie.
From the corner of my eye, I watched the train fly by at full speed. I took a step forward and tried to catch it.
But it didn't work.
Sweet sadness, to be helpless in front of a departure.
I ran my hand under my eyes and realised that we had the same feeling. Droplets were pouring my cheeks.
Since I had met her, I thought words like fate or future were entirely within our grasp.
So why can't I stay with her a little longer?
The sky after the rain looked darker than ever. The colours of the world had all turned gray.
Never again will I feel this sadness, which overwhelmed me.
Kimiuso: Japanese manga.
Purikura: Japanese photo booth.