Nothing gave me more relief than tapping my firm, striped pencil against the scraped, rough, wooden table. I couldn't hear the tapping, but I could feel it. It took the edge off my mind as I pretended to listen to my teacher, who stood tall and frowned in front of the silent classroom, his dry lips quivering and moving quickly as he spoke. I could tell he was stuttering a little, even though I could never understand what he was saying. He never bothered to teach me ; instead, Percy usually had to tell me everything. He sat next to me, tapping me on the shoulder and gesturing to me every so often. It was an exhausting process.
There was no way for me to tell how loud my tapping was, but I preferred to do it firmly, to get a better feel of the hard textures. I had nothing better to do. Honestly, I didn't even see the point of coming to school ; Percy was always the one to teach me everything. Percy leaned on the table, resting his chin on his hands and staring intently at the teacher, who would write on the board with his dried black pen every so often. But not often enough.
And so I sat there cluelessly, glancing around the room at the decaying blue wallpaper hanging from the walls, and the other students furiously taking notes, rocking their tables as they scribbled into their books, or the other kids leaning on their plastic chairs at the back, quietly mouthing words to each other.
It was all blank to me, apart from this singular drumming noise echoing inside my empty head. I had never heard it before, but it grew louder and louder, a deafening drum of nothing drilling in my head.
Suddenly, I could feel my voice box vibrate. I didn't control it, but I could feel it vibrate at the back of my throat. Confused, I opened my mouth and inhaled as I touched my neck gently. I didn't mean to make it vibrate, but it felt like it was stemming from my brain.
I looked around the room to find that nobody was paying attention to me. The teacher was now typing away roughly at his computer, licking his lips and glaring up occasionally. He had probably assigned some essay or something. My only source being the board, I couldn't work out what I was meant to do. I tried to write the date in my open book, pushing down on my pencil roughly and gripping the table as I wrote.
Instinctively, I closed my eyes and let the muscles in my arms take over ; I was trying to wrap my head around the noise that erupted from my static head. It grew louder the more I payed attention to it, and it caused my fingers to tap the pencil on the desk in a familiar timing, and it caused my voice box to vibrate gently.
Frustrated, I could feel my teeth brushing together as I dropped my pen desperately. It only caused my resting, bony fingers to tap gently on the desk. It was odd. The noise was an alerting blend of textures and notes. The beats in the background sounded like they were technologically generated, like synthesizers. There were loud drumming noises accompanying the other blends of noises, and there was a voice emerging from the white noise that I didn't recognize.
It sounded like a song.
Alerted, I stood up straight, feeling my plastic chair slide away behind me. A few people looked up from their books to gawk at me with their judging eyes. It couldn't be a song.
I tried to concentrate on the feel of my inhaling and exhaling breaths as they grew more deep and more obvious. My leather bag was messily slung over my shoulder by the time my feet had rushed me out of the classroom. Everything around me spun for a moment, and I felt like throwing up. It couldn't be a song. It couldn't be.
That bag was slumped against a log once I had reached the woodland. I went there every day, and most of the time, I would stand tall on the rock hard stump and just imagine what everything would sound like. It was always fun to immerse myself in the deep woodland, with bluebirds yelling out siren-like sounds, and trees creaking like doors everytime it swayed, and the wind effortlessly swirling up a low humming noise.
Sometimes, I would imagine if the noise ever became too much for people, but I didn't pity them. They had sweet, soft music that they could blast to themselves and sing cheerily to until their lungs fell out, and they could talk and laugh with each other like normal people, and they could take in and embrace the soft wind. The calming sounds that decorated their life like a pretty little bow.
But as I stared at the bright green leaves, with tiny patterned butterflies swirling around it, and the delicate sunlight poking through the trees, I realized that I couldn't imagine this place to be loud or too jarring. It seemed peaceful. Delicate and untouched, the bushes quietly swaying in the background.
Suddenly, I received a tap on the back, sending my heart screaming. Alerted, I swung my head around to find Percy lightly smiling at me, his flat black shoes squashing the decayed leaves around us.
"Are you okay?" He asked me, waving his arms in motion. I usually came here to meet him after school every day. It seemed like the only piece of the town that people didn't ruin.
"I have a song. It's stuck in my head." I signed, my hands trembling uneasily as I did so. Percy looked up at me and frowned. "Is… that…. Possible?" He asked, visibly trying to remember the signals for every word and mouthing it to me.
"I don't know." I looked at him with panicked eyes and hopped off of the stern log. He looked away from me as his mind worked.
"You were… born… deaf… right?" He adjusted his uniform and picked up his bag that was dragging along the floor and brushing with the leaves.
I nodded silently, moving slightly closer to Percy and tugging on my shirt, trying to calm down. Percy was good at that stuff. He always managed to calm me down somehow, even though nobody else ever understood me.
"Do… you want to… come… back to my… house?" He signed slowly, smiling at me in a soothing manner. I wondered if the leaves ever made a noise when you stepped on them like Percy did when he shuffled around, brushing past me before turning back to face me, pointing his thumb towards the other side of the forest.
Aimlessly, I took another look around the decorated woodland before nodding confidently. I tried to stop my legs from shaking ; I didn't know whether it was the cold, or the song, or both.
Percy didn't tell me anything else. Instead, he carefully trod away from the stump, expecting me to follow. I quickly grabbed my brown leather bag and followed him, scratching the bag in front of me as we walked. I knew we were going to have to cross the busy streets.
The town was constantly filled with busy, angry looking people, with birds swarming over the place. Everyone seemed absorbed in their own bubble as they rushed past each other. Cars appeared and sped away constantly, and distant sirens could always be heard in the background. I wish we lived in a nicer town.
Eventually, we made it to Percy's concrete doorstep, out in the open amongst the other thin houses lined up on the corner. Percy whipped out his keys and twisted them in the metal lock. He struggled but he finally swung the door open, motioning for me to follow him inside. I wondered if doors made noise when you opened them. Can wood even do that?
Percy rushed upstairs , his shoes tapping the soft, blue, furry carpet when his mother appeared from the doorway. She presented her hand in front of her face, allowing her thumb to slide off her middle and index finger. It seemed to grab Percy's attention.
I payed attention to the expressions on her face as she mouthed words to her son. She had known me for around 8 years and yet she never bothered to learn any sign language. She didn't even make the effort to talk to me. It was pathetic.
She squinted at Percy with a confused look on her face before waving her arms and walking away. Percy sighed before looking back at me and beckoning me upstairs. Trembling, I ran my bony fingers over my long, black hair as I tiptoed after Percy.
"I think… I know what… the… problem is." Percy motioned to me as he slumped back in his blue leather chair. I scanned around his room, that was piled with different jumpers and clothes scattered around the room, and a large bed displayed at the centre with the covers hanging from the side.
"You are not… deaf." He stared at me blankly as I tilted my head towards him, confused. Perhaps he messed up his signing.
"It's your… long… hair. It covers… your ears." He grinned, laughing as he turned around in his chair. I shook my head and smirked, resting my arm on his rough, leather chair and watching him open his laptop.
"What are you doing?" I asked after grabbing his attention. He looked up at me and shrugged.
"Do you want to find… the song that's… stuck in your… head or not?" He asked. He always spoke out loud whenever he signed to me. I guess it was to make sure he was signing correctly, even though he had learnt it since we were ten.
Percy reached for a piece of paper in his wooden drawer, placed it on his desk and tapped on it. He wrote 'Lyrics' on the top and glanced up at me. My mind swirled as I tried to search in my memory for any distinguished lyrics. The song was still there ; it was always there, lingering in my head
"The braindead nihilist… dead before his body hits the ground…" the words flashed into my head. The voice was male and autotuned. It almost sounded robotic. The rest of it was just a blur of different instruments that I never recognized.
I wasn't overly sure of myself as I scribbled the words down on the piece of paper, relaxing my shoulders as the blue tip of the pen stroked the thin paper, to the point that I could feel the firm wooden desk under it.
Percy tilted his head after I pointed at the now dented paper, and he typed the words into his laptop, his long, white fingers delicately tapping the black keys.
Suddenly, the words "Forgetful Mind" flashed up, several flashing images dancing under it. I bit my lip as I stared at the words uneasily. It was familiar, but I was certain that I had never heard a song before in my life, let alone that one. My attention wandered to the ceiling as I felt the carpet floor vibrate as soon as Percy clicked the images.
My eyes squinted as I slowly moved my still hand down towards the middle of Percy's blue speakers that rested below his computer. And suddenly my bony hand stopped trembling as I relaxed my shoulders to the beat of the vibrations rumbling out of the rough speakers. It was like I didn't hear nothing anymore. I couldn't hear the song ; I could feel it. The instruments and beats running through my swirling head like a river.
I nodded silently and shrugged, backing away from Percy's leather chair. "I don't know the song." I signed as Percy swivelled around to face me.
"Are you… sure… it's a song?" His eyes wandered away from me as he tried to think.
"I don't know." I motioned to him, sitting down at the edge of his bed in defeat. Percy gave a warm smile as he shuffled in his seat, running his fingers through his thin, brown hair.
"I'm sure… it's… nothing. You'll… be… okay." He struggled before nodding to me confidently. And we both sat there in silence, letting our minds run wild. Something about Percy always managed to calm me down. He was the only one that ever understood me, or even tried to. He actually made me think that it was normal for a moment as I embraced the quiet humming of different notes and tunes digging into my skull in the background.
And Percy gave me a thumbs up after he walked me home. Granted, it wasn't that far of a walk but seeing all the busy cars zooming by and seeing the loud world move on without me hearing a word… it was like being trapped in a bubble, isolated from everyone else. I couldn't take one step down those bustling streets alone.
I rested my eyes on my shaking arms as I slid my headphones off my floppy ears. People always found it weird that I had headphones on, blaring radio music that I could never hear. Sometimes, whilst I'm walking by the bustling streets, it's calmer to just focus on the strong beats and vibrations radiating from the plastic blue headphones. Even though I couldn't hear the notes, it was intriguing thinking about what it would sound like. What anything would sound like.
The headphones creaked as they snapped into place, the sharp edges pricking my long, nervous fingers. As I slowly slid the headphones into my smooth, cotton jumper, I looked around and spotted an old woman glaring at me from a bench outside the flat. She looked like she was in her mid-50's, with her fur coat, styled silver hair and glaring, chapped lips. She gripped and flattened her cigarette as she watched me, her scolding blue eyes lingering on mine.
Suddenly, I felt a wave of panic flood over me. I was almost certain it was her. She dyed her hair and changed her appearance, but she couldn't mask anything. I revelled at her homely, sickening scent from a mile away of the bench. I knew. And I wanted nothing to do with her.
Quickly, I whipped out my dangling, cold, metal keys and frantically scanned for the right one, pushing the blue key and twisting it firmly until the door opened. After I slammed the door shut, letting the escaped air breeze past my face, I pressed my back against the door and pressed my hand against my chest.
There, in the dark, dirty corridors, my eyes fluttered shut and I focused only on the feel of my pumping heartbeats banging on my chest rapidly. Just for a moment, the thoughts drowned out ; the song stopped playing ; the wave melted away. For just a moment, the slow breaths that escaped my lungs were the centre of attention.
And those slow, steady breaths were the only thing that filled my mind as I left for school the next morning, carelessly brushing past all the other kids in the orphanage. As I stepped outside and took in the chilling cold air that was pocketed from my bustling house, I snapped by blue headphones back and fitted them neatly on my head. Not that I was listening to anything, obviously. I just didn't want people to try and talk to be or Rob me. In my neighbourhood, it was always best to keep your head down.
Especially since, everytime I set my trembling foot in the streets, there was always something to look at. Something to watch out for. You could almost sense it. Like now, as soon as I looked left towards the alley, all I could fixate my mind on was the two boys, same year as me, punching away at a bleeding, groaning boy on the ground. They showed no signs of stopping as they projected force into their large, black shoes, kicking the boy from behind.
And there was never any point in fighting back. I mean, what could I do? I wouldn't even be able to hear them coming. All I could do was gawk at them with my desperate eyes until they turned their attention towards me, glaring me down. They looked ready to approach me with their tattered jeans and dirt ridden shirts, fists clenched, staring me down like predators.
A nervous buzz arose in my chest when I saw they were looking at me, and I felt overwhelmed and compelled to just break eye contact and walk away, running my fingers over the soothe strip of my backpack as I stomped briskly away, my footsteps probably echoing throughout the street.
Twitching was all I could comprehend. All I could see was my fingers trembling uncontrollably at the corner of my eye and it was driving me to move quicker, as if that would help anything. Where was Percy when you needed him?
Were the gang following me? I couldn't check. If I looked back and they were staring through my soul again, I'd probably freeze up and let them get me. Who was the kid they were beating down? Was I meant to see? I mean, stuff like this happens all the time. In school, all the students come In rosy cheeked and out of breath, warily mumbling away to all the other people as I observed mindlessly, like an alien.
They were probably sharing stories about stuff like this. It happens so often that nobody bats an eyelid to it anymore. The possibilities were drilling in to my head, driving me, clashing with the sharp bass line of the song, the drums bashing louder, engulfing my mind in the overwhelming noise...
Until flashing lights silenced everything. Quickly, a police car sled off in the other direction, the flashing blue and white lights blinding me as I stood there, mortified, watching the police car speed off. It was harrowing.
Slowly, I turned around to notice that nobody was following me. It was all in my messed up head.
Gasping for breath, I allowed my trembling legs to fall to the grassy pavement, my delicate hands clutching at my shirt as I tried to block out the flow of relieved tears. The smooth leather backpack was barely hanging on to my shoulders as I shut my eyes on the ground. And yet, the blue and white police lights were there when I closed my eyes. It was as if I could practically hear the illuminating car as it growled down the road, the lights causing my stomach to rise up.
Reluctantly, I brushed myself off and made my way towards the school, trying to blink away the ghostly sight of the flashing lights.
They still flickered in my head as I tried to concentrate on my teacher's lips that morning. It was like trying to see in the dark. The teacher was pacing around the room, waving his hands about frantically as he pointed to something on his board. He was pacing so quickly that I couldn't even stop to read his lips. He probably never even thought about making anything easier for me ; the only one who tried was Percy.
Exhausted, I placed my hand underneath the table to feel the vibrations when I tapped my pencil on it repeatedly. It drowned out everything somehow. Even the song. All I could concentrate on was that bright yellow pencil and how it kept brushing off the table. Everything else perfectly zoned out of eyesight.
I couldn't even begin to think of how hard it must be for everyone else to just zone out, or even if they'd want to. Noise just trumps everything, every time. Even thoughts. I've always imagined sound as this soulless black hole that just sucks up every independent thought you ever had. How could you even begin to think without the distractions of corporate songs, or the sounds of gang threats on the town, or heartless deceiving advertisements on the radio, or deafening police sirens, or the news, or pointless chatter? It's a distraction, that's all it is. I was always better off without it, even though it practically forced me to become a loner.
Noise only exists to distract you and threaten you, to trick you into feeling a certain type of way whenever you hear it.
Even then, tapping away to the tune of the mystery song, it was the noise that interrupted my train of thought. And yet, it wasn't the mysterious bass line or the drums that I was expecting. Instead, it was a loud, droning, screeching sound. Like a siren.
Alerted, I felt the pencil slip out of my hands as I sat up straight, eyes widened. I felt Percy next to me, glaring me down. He would know that something was up.
It hit me again, a new wave of the same striking noise, the siren. It was clearer in my head than it ever was, it was definitely a siren. The same one that growled down the road on my way to school this morning. And it dragged a wave of dread with it that permeated past my chest. I couldn't take it much longer.
The memories it shoved in front of my head, a dagger to my incoherent thoughts. I couldn't take it much longer. The memories, the bad ones, the fearful ones, even. It was just that siren in particular. The police siren. It always meant that something sinister was nearby. I couldn't take it much longer.
It haunted me as I instinctively flung myself out of my chair, dragging my rough back across my shoulders as I rushed out of the room. It was the second time that week, everyone back there was probably sick of me by that point. But that didn't matter. I just couldn't take it much longer.
My hands were gripping my messy head tightly as I sat, alone, in the middle of the empty woods. I was trying to get the sound to stop, just for a second. But it wouldn't stop. It was on a constant loop, mocking me as I sobbed into my hands. Even though I couldn't hear, I could feel my cries echoing across the calm woods. I tried replacing it with the thought of the sound of the rustling trees instead, but it was hard to focus on any of them this time. It was trying so hard, I didn't even notice Percy pulling my hands away from my face.
Through my tearful eyes, I stared up at my friend, who had outstretched his hands towards me. Reluctantly, I took his firm band and he pulled me up on my feet, holding tight to my violently shaky hand.
"Come on." He mouthed, pointing away from the forest as he began to walk away.
"Where are we going?" I tapped him on the shoulder and signed nervously. I could always tell when he was thinking about something.
"Doctors. To get... you... checked." He explained, adjusting his uniform before wandering away. The thought of someone checking me sent shivers down my spine, but I couldn't say no. I just couldn't. Not to Percy, I owed him this much.
Shivering, I adjusted my long, dark hair before trailing him out of the woods.
I wasn't liking this one bit. It all came rushing over to me, the realisation. It was all falling apart. Percy seemed firm as he stormed across the street, not once looking back to face me. He seemed too stressed about the whole thing. Just yesterday, he was telling me that everything was gonna be fine, and now this? Did he even book an appointment?
He probably just knew it was deeper ; he could read me like that. I never should have gotten too close.
"Wait..." I wanted to scream out as Percy outstretched his calm hands towards the doorknob of the doctor's. He couldn't go through with this. I immediately placed myself in front of the door so that he'd see me.
He just stared back at me with that nervous frown he had. He was probably as nervous as I am, although he'd never admit it. He was practically a father figure to me.
"It's just a song. There's no need to go in there. I'll be fine. I don't..." I stopped to grasp my trembling hands and catch my visible breath in the chilling air. "I don't want to go inside. Don't make me. Please." I signed to him, desperately trying to hold on to his attention.
But his expression never changed as he held his hand up towards me.
"You can't... go on... like this. Storming... out of... class? Crying? The song? We need... to know. Otherwise..." he stopped himself before giving his best effort at a fake smile and brushing past me to go in. This was never going to work.
And it was still a long time before we saw anyone other than the receptionist. After around ten minutes, I was still gawking awkwardly at Percy, who was yelling so fast that I couldn't read his lips. I could only make out what he was signing. Even though he wasn't talking to me, he still used hand gestures for occasional words as a habit. Because of me.
Percy had been insisting to see a doctor for ten minutes straight, and he was passionate about it. Although I could only pick up words like "Song" "Deaf" "Birth" "Today" and "Anxietal Outbursts", I could tell by his red face that he cared about this. He cared about me, even though he shouldn't have.
Eventually, Percy walked away, taking deep breaths as he outstretched his hands once more. I sat up, hoping desperately that we weren't gonna be allowed in.
"Waiting... room." He signed, beckoning me to follow him as I resisted the urge to run out of the building there and then.
It was the overpowering pungent stench that hit me first as I sat nervously next to Percy, who had held his hand behind my back, trying to comfort me.
"Whatever it is..." Percy began to sign, turning his face towards me, "We'll... get through... it. You're like a... brother to me." He sighed, rubbing his eyes cautiously. I couldn't help but squint at him, trying to ignore the violent smell that lingered in the air. As much as I knew he'd hate me afterwards, he was still able to calm me down. I always saw him as a brother, especially after he said he convinced his parents to move closer to the orphanage.
Just having him there. It was like the clashing noises in my head halted for just a moment whilst I calmed down, gripping my shirt tightly. With my other hand, I tugged on my earlobe gently. I knew I wasn't supposed to, but I needed to do something. The thought of everything getting ruined lingered on my mind.
Then suddenly, everything stopped. At first, it was like silence, but louder. My hands moved out of place as my mind was interrupted by a high pitch screeching sound, like static on a radio. I gritted my teeth and stared around the room, glaring down the group of people that seemed to be unfazed by the deafening noise.
And it didn't stop. It just grew louder. A sudden rise of roaring chatter filled my mind. I could barely think straight. It all came back to me ; the song, the siren, they all mashed together in my head, playing a car crash of noises that overpowered me as I struggled to breathe in my seat.
I just wanted to scream. I just wanted to hear something of substance that I could hear over this monstrous wave of noisy soulless dread that consumed my every thought and compiled them up to remind me of the dickhead I really was. The song. The sirens. The chatter. The sirens. I couldn't take it much longer-
"Ethan Perker?" A loud voice bellowed from above the waiting room, stopping most of the noise as I glanced back up the man with both hands covering my ears. Steadily, I raised from my chair and staggered towards the doctor, trying my best to control my quivering legs as I stepped inside.
"How long as he been deaf for?" The man glanced at Percy, who had just stepped in with his arms folded.
"Since birth." He assured. I just smiled at my friend, the nervousness radiating from my eyes as the doctor began to examine my ears.
"It's possible that he wasn't always deaf. If it's a song that's in your head, you probably weren't deaf..." he stated coldly. I gripped the seats in terror.
"...As a child. Possibly at a time you couldn't even remember. But if the song's the last thing he heard..." he began to speak to me before realising he couldn't ; he quickly directed it back to Percy, staring him down.
"Do you have any records?" His voice echoed to Percy as he shook his head no.
"What are these earplugs for?" He asked, causing me to shuffle in my seat. Carefully, he brushed my long hair aside and reached in, digging through my left ear to pull out a dangling earplug.
That was when the static kicked in again. It was like a bullet echo, a deafening scream from the room as the man retrieved the second one.
"CAN YOU HEAR ME?" He screamed, the words digging into my skull. He didn't look like he was talking that loudly, but it definitely felt like it.
Instinctively, I yelped out in pain. I didn't even recognise my own yelp. It had been years since I heard my own voice.
The man could only scowl at me as he turned to face my friend.
"He's not deaf." He stated, brushing the earplugs into the bin, next to Percy, who just stared at me with his wide eyes and incredibly pale face.
"...And he never was. Now please leave and don't waste my time again." He scolded, swinging the door open. The door screamed as it opened ; I forgot doors could do that.
Percy looked like he was about to burst as he tugged on my arm and flung me outside of the clinic, and it was only then that I realised that it was now raining.
"You were never deaf?!" Percy cried as he backed away, his words lost over the raindrops slamming onto the pavement. I stood in front of the entrance, dumbfounded. It had been a while since I heard his voice, or heard anything at all really.
Percy clenched his fists and staggered away into the alleyway.
"Please, just let me explain." My croaky voice bellowed. I held my throat indignantly, surprised to hear my own voice.
"Explain what?" Percy flailed his hands in the air before turning around to face me, running a hand through his damp hair. "You lied. For what, fifteen years? What for? Who the hell are you?" He gritted his teeth and stood still.
"The braindead nihilist... dead before his body hits the ground..." The singer chanted through my dark blue headphones as I slowly stumbled down the alleyway, gripping my bag tightly. I was only seven at the time.
The place was entirely flooded with blood and litter as I stomped my way past the road. As the drums faded out into the background and the song stopped, I slowly opened up my phone to repeat it. That was when I heard it. The scream.
It was a deafening, high pitch shriek that echoed through the alleyway. Sweating, I gripped my dangling headphones tightly as the sight of laughing, running men caught my attention. A limp, lifeless body was left in the commotion. I could see my own breath in the chilling air as I stumbled closer to the edge of the road.
My body trembled in the chilling air as my pale face stared warily at the groaning body on the ground. I felt entranced ; I couldn't look away as the red man turned around to stare at me with his cold, dead eyes.
Out of breath, I dilently stepped back when I noticed the lingering knife in the man's chest. He wasn't moving anymore. His desperate eyes were just resting on me. I couldn't take it much longer.
My nervous gasps for breath were all I could concentrate on as I sprinted away frantically. Blood pumping, tears filling my vision, the man's begging scream lingering in my everlasting, doubting head. And it was all wiped clear when the surens came.
It echoed as the police car growled down the littered, tattered Road, the flashing lights blinding me as it sped towards me.
The screaming sirens towered over the shriek that came tumbling out of my mouth as the police car flashed past me, dangling its lights in front of my teary, red face before driving off. And all I wanted to do was collapse on the cold, dead pavement and allow my violently shaky hands to cover my ears until I couldn't hear it anymore.
"Ethan! Talk to me!" Percy begged, shaking my shoulders until he caught my divided attention.
"Don't you dare... say that again..." I stated meekly, fully aware that I was in no position to ask him of anything.
"You can't justify any of this shit!" He shrugged, dragging me further into the alleyway.
"Just... why? Why the hell would you do that?" Percy waved his arms about frantically, his face glowing more red with every word that spat out of his mouth.
"It's this town!" I sighed, holding my long hair back to feel my numb ears for the first time in years.
"You can't walk ten steps out of your own house without getting mugged, or threatened or killed! And I used to hear every second of it!" I pleaded, my croaky, desperate voice shivering in the chilling wind.
"It was always b-better...without..." I stuttered, trying to ignore the constant tears streaming down my cheek. I couldn't justify any of it.
"A local man was convicted guilty for brutal murder of his wife and two sons, and has been sentenced to death by the electric chair. The 32 year old man stabbed-"
"Turn it off." I begged the woman that was driving me to school. I loathed the news with a passion. It was constantly the same fearful stories, the same threatening key words. I was trying to focus my attention on the bright lights of the delicate sunlight poking through the trees, outstretching its hand to reach my window. Instead, the only thing that was running through my mind was what it would feel like to be stabbed.
The woman didn't listen. She turned the radio up to drown me out. Soon enough, I couldn't take my attention away from the stories of murders and bombings and blood. I couldn't take it much longer.
Frantically, I allowed my hands to cover my ears as I hummed softly, trying to drown out the neverending swirls of thoughts of death in my scarred head.
"So you just decide to... block everything out?! You're a coward!" He scrunched his nose and balled his fists, glaring me down with his dilated eyes. "And what about me? You just used me to... you..." Percy stuttered as he began to nervously pace across the alleyway, pacing up and down, holding his shaking hands above his head.
Carefully, I focused on my heavy breathing as I balanced my pocket phone below the mirror and pressed play, allowing the video to fill my attention. I didn't like how visible the earplugs looked as I posed in front of the mirror. It stuck out like a sore thumb. Reluctantly, I began to ponder how long I'd have to grow my hair out to cover my visible ears as I stared blankly at the video. It was a man demonstrating signs.
Nodding, I made sure nobody was around before practicing and trying to memorise the signs. I wanted to learn sign language. Even though I saw it as pointless ; I was doing it more for myself than anyone else. I was never planning on talking to anyone with this. I guess I just figured that, If I didn't know sign language, I would never forget that I wasn't deaf years from then. I would always see myself as fake deaf. I would constantly be reminded of my real life. Just the prospect sent shivers down my spine.
After hours of practicing, I forced a grin in the mirror before swinging it away, picturing the loud snapping sound it made in my head. This was never going to work.
"Ethan, for fuck sake, talk to me! Just talk to me!" He yelled, moving his legs to advance towards me. He was pushing it, although I couldn't say anything.
"What did you use me for!? Talk to me!" He begged, tapping me on the shoulder as I slowly stepped back.
"Stop it." I warned, brushing my tears away from my eyes as I tried to stop the memories from flooding back to me.
"Just talk to m-"
"FUCKING SHUT UP!" I snapped, shoving my friend back and forcing him to fall on to the pavement. My heavy breathing was all I could focus on to stop myself from viciously pouncing onto me.
Percy gritted his teeth and stood up, brushing himself off as he stopped himself from retaliating.
"Son, talk to me! Just fucking talk to me, please! Why can't you talk to me!"
I saw the woman mouth the words, kneeling down so her tearful eyes were level with mine. She was probably screaming her head off, but her lips were moving so fast that I couldn't understand her anymore. All I could do was watch her with a blank expression on my face as she pleaded and begged and sobbed for me to say anything.
But it was no use. I couldn't say anything even if I wanted to, as my dry lips couldn't form the right words. Maybe it was just that, even the thought of speaking reminded me, just for a second, that I could hear all of it.
I just didn't know me giving her the cold shoulder would have had this much of an effect on her. And so I stood, watching blankly as the woman fell to the floor, her body shaking as her once cheery face deformed into non-stop tears.
Percy shut his eyes for a moment, his back pressed against the vandalised brick wall.
And all I could think about was how it was my fault that I got abandoned at some orphanage. Even though my real mother still watched me outside the building, I knew she'd never see me as her son again.
"So where do I come in?" He mumbled, not bothering to make eye contact with me as I stood tall on the other side of the blood stained alleyway.
"I didn't do this just to trick you, Percy. You know I wouldn't do that." I whimpered, my hands waving in the air.
"I don't think I know you at all, so just don't." Percy sighed, waiting for me to answer his question.
I remember glancing over at Percy and sighing nervously. I saw everyone chatting away, laughing with each other every single day. As much as I loathed interaction, living in a bubble was embarrassing. I knew nobody would make the effort to notice me when I moved schools. And then there was Percy. I remembered seeing him every day on my way to my school. He'd always smile at ke and talk to me, even though I never had any courage to reply. He was the only one I could reach out to that didn't know.
I needed him. I needed to feel something, to feel normal. Because at that rate, I would have never forgotten. I needed protection from the bloody streets and everyone in it, and he seemed the only one that would have been willing.
Reluctantly, I grabbed a piece of paper and strolled up to the boy, who was watching everyone else play football. Heart knocking on my chest, I began to write on the paper, directing Percy's attention towards my greetings.
"I just... I couldn't do it alone. I can barely walk outside my house alone, Percy." I sighed, speaking softly.
I remembered all of it now. I remembered sitting at the edge of my dirt ridden bed with Percy, trying to teach him sign language.
I remembered Percy fighting off a gang of thugs just so I could avoid them after I stared at their fights.
I remember seeing my mum awaiting to see me at the same bench outside the orphanage every day for the first year of separation.
I remember strolling confidently through the alleyway, knowing that I would never be able to hear the sounds of desperate screams, or the scarring song, or the piercing sirens. I remember only ever feeling safe with the earplugs in whenever I strolled down the road. It was just a feeling that nobody could ever get to me. Noise was nothing but a distraction, and they would never be able to get to me.
The rain drummed down on my head as Percy shook his head wildly.
"I gave my entire life for you." He pointed at me firmly, his hands still signing instinctively.
"I spent years learning sign language. I saved you in pointless fights. I watched as my parents escaped this two-star town, and I told them I would stay here because I knew you'd lose to yourself without me!" He cried out as he stared longingly at his hands, which were still signing every other word.
"Even now, you... engrained yourself in me with this stupid sign language! My hands practically belong to you!" He moved towards me as the whirling thoughts flooded my unreliable mind.
And he paused as he stood before me, examining me with his judging, lingering eyes.
"You own these hands, huh? Well you can fucking have them!" He swung his fist in my direction, landing it square on the bridge of my nose.
It took me a moment to compose myself before he landed his second punch below my gut, winding me. I couldn't take it much longer.
Instinctively, I tackled him to the ground and shoved him away. Even though I knew I deserved every inch of pain that he wanted to give, I just couldn't allow myself to get beaten up.
Quickly, Percy got up and kicked me before wrestling on top of me, his cold, dead hands gripping my neck tightly as I gasped for breath.
And he never loosened up. His grip grew tighter as he gritted his teeth. Alarmed, I struggled to get out of his grip, but to no use. I was slowly losing breath as I desperately gulped for air.
Eventually, Percy grunted and let go of my throat, rolling onto his side. As I collected my breath, I expected him to continue to hit me. Instead, I heard his quiet sobbing rise from next to me. I wiped the tears away from my eyes as we both layed there in the alleyway, exhausted and teary eyed.
"So what now? You can't stay here, surely." Percy sighed, blinking heavily at the beating sun above. The rain had slowed its pace as we watched each raindrop silently from the floor.
"I can't stay. Legally, I can't leave until next year but... maybe I could just run away." I sighed, forcing a smile for my own sanity. "If you wanna come with me." I coughed up blood as I ran my hands over my scabbed face.
"I'll be completely honest... I never want to see your face again." Percy shrugged, sitting up to face me.
"But... no matter what you do, I wish you best of luck." He helped me up from the ground reluctantly.
"Just try to forget me, okay?" I stammered through my shaky breath. I really wanted to know him for the rest of my life.
"You make it look so easy, forgetting." He remarked sarcastically, forcing a fake smile as he staggered away from the road.
"Take care."
Like a stumbling ghost, I haunted those streets with my presence long after Percy was gone. After finally being able to hear, it was odd to still find silence in the isolated town. Even then, just the simple sound of the wind bashing against the windows, or the echo of my uneasy footsteps throughout the area... it filled my attention.
Nothing gave me more relief than finding that small patch of woods again. As I sat still on the firm stump, listening to the dancing trees and singing birds, I realised it was liberating that it was over. It was as if, in that moment, amongst the vibrant green bushes and beautiful roses spread around the woods, nothing else mattered. Nobody to let down, nobody to fear. It was just me and my thoughts, and my thoughts and me, until I have nothing left.
It was over. All of it, it was over.