Upon waking up, I heard clutter being shuffled in my apartment. My side hurts, I dig in the wound and pull out the bullet. My eyes are hot but it isn't unusual to me.
I get to my feet and zip in the room to find Jimmi looking through my stuff. She has a black bag with half my clothes. My drawers sticking out and the window open.
"What the fuck!"
"Did you say you were a vampire?" I look her up and down. "By ritual?"
"I shot you."
"You got blood?" She doesn't answer, maybe it's because I sunk my teeth in her neck before she could. Human blood isn't like vampire blood. It doesn't have that cherry taste of the dead. "Get off!"
A dike really came in my house. I let go. "What are you doing?"
"You asked me if I was a boy or a girl!"
"Bitch you look confused!" I drop her on my carpet. "Get out before I rape your neck again." Jimmi holds her neck, she looks paler than when she came.
I could keep her.
"crazy, stupid bitch…" she struggles to get up. "How? You broke in my shit!"
She's still holding the black bag. "Let it go!" I beat her in the back of the head. She groans and starts crawling. "Oh for fuck's sake…"
"Listen, just l-let me be. I'm sorry." she rolls over to give me a cheesy grin. "I'm just sick of people not knowing me."
"Bitch! Do you get mad when Santa don't believer what you want?"
She looks to the side and back at me. "Santa isn't real."
"Well fuck me sideways but what you said made sense!"
"Look, just let me leave!"
"And?"
"And what?"
"Exactly…"
"What are you talking about!"
"If I let you leave, right. Then I don't know what else you could do. You might return."
"No I won't! Please, just let me go…"
"I can't because you tracked mud in my house."
"I didn't--"
"You brought yo-self
.
.
.
Something is wrong with me. Why am I so violent? I really stuck my thumb in her eyes. I cut her arms off, she tore my favorite dress. I only have one dress, the one dress I got from him.
I don't talk about it and I don't wish too. I wonder if they even remember me? I haven't even seen my so-called sister in years. I can't believe I made it to 19 dying.
Died on my birthday. Died on Christmas. Died on April Fools and Independence day. I stop keeping track. I'm surprised a vampire hasn't kidnapped my ass, because ain't the goal of life to live long?
Am I not sure I fit the definition.
Does Dying to Live and Living to Die sound right? In order to die to have to live and in order to live, you have to die. But Dying is the end, and if you meet the end; you can't. That's it.
I have a problem. Why do I keep doing this? Because they don't have serial killers anonymous but they have pedophiles linking in prison for four months.
My head is bad…
Oh
SHIT
I forgot my pills... that's probably why. Where my phone? I start looking on my bed, the most obvious place and if ain't there then--I found it. It was under the pillow.
Ok, DOHRCC app, check appointments, check messages, check refills--I missed several months of medication. I shouldn't be doing this! I don't have a job, I can't be this fucked up!
A dike broke into my house and I killed somebody. Why is my life a fucking hell! Why do I drink blood? I have a serious problem, I turn on the investigation channel to sleep.
I'm too comfortable with this shit.
I go in my contacts, maybe I can talk to my baby daddy even though I don't want a baby. I don't even know what happens if you get pregnant and drink blood at the same time.
DrunkSlut: You up?
-seven minutes ago-
DUBIUS: I just got up
DrunkSlut: I need love.
DUBIUS: Did you jack off?
DUBIUS: I'm joking, don't block me
DUBIUS: What's wrong?
DrunkSlut: Nothing. I have a doctor's appointment next week, you wanna come?
DUBIUS: sorry bae, I got work
DrunkSlut: Y'all got an opening?
DUBIUS: I tried, my boss reduced my pay for bullying. It was either that or fired.
DrunkSlut: :( I'm poor
DUBIUS: You know what I learned in school?
DUBIUS: As we come into this world and take nature's breathe of life. We are born poor and depressed.
DrunkSlut: That is not life
DUBIUS: Well, I go through it daily
DUBIUS: So you break up with yo nigga yet? Am I still yo side piece or peace?
DrunkSlut: I forgot.
DUBIUS: How you forgot to break a nigga heart ain't y'all females
DUBIUS: wait, I ain't never use this word before… I can't even spell it'
DUBIUS: exemplary
DrunkSlut: what?
DUBIUS: Ain't y'all females exemplary in breaking hearts like that's your
DUBIUS: wait
DUBIUS: expertise
DrunkSlut: what is wrong with you?
DUBIUS: Baby ever since I got out of jail, my brain has changed.
DUBIUS: I was caught driving under the influence
DUBIUS: And I didn't know this, I thought they gave you a book but the pen I went to had a whole library.
DrunkSlut: Prison
DUBIUS: That's what I'm saying, I even asked if I could take it to the toilet like newspaper.
DUBIUS: I had to give the guard my book tho. He checking if I had put a hole in it. I said nigga ever stab in a book is murder on trees. I believe in recycling
DrunkSlut: Do they recycle books?
DUBIUS: I hope so. I really believe some old books become toilet paper.
DrunkSlut: You drink blood still?
DUBIUS: I got paid and piled some shit together to get a gallon of blood on the market.
DrunkSlut: Really? For how much?
DUBIUS: 510
DrunkSlut: I think you got ripped off…
DUBIUS: The point is I can get blood from a fucking water cooler.
DUBIUS: Wanna slurp or rape neck?
DrunkSlut: You still going to rehab?
DUBIUS: Girl, my nuts caught fire just now
DUBIUS: What I do to you?
DrunkSlut: I mean, I go!
DUBIUS: But you still drink so what the fuck
DUBIUS: Like for real tho
DUBIUS: I'm going out with some friends, come with.
DrunkSlut: I want to
DUBIUS: You don't know how?
DrunkSlut: Calvert!
DUBIUS: We just sight seeing homegirl, come through with me!
DUBIUS: Pick you up at 8 next week
DrunkSlut: NO!
DUBIUS: At night
DUBIUS: Love you!
WHY DO I HATE MYSELF?