00:00 AM
It was a late November night I was sitting at the balcony with a joint in my hand.
The smoke was dissolving into the cold winter air. There were no stars in the sky. The moon seemed to have been sleeping behind a thick cover of clouds.
I was looking at my phone, resisting going through my ex's social media again.
" Stop that. " I spoke to myself " It is useless and pointless. "
I was well aware that dwelling on past events was very unhealthy, but my often coping method would be to let it hurt and let it go. Including hurting myself additionally.
It was eating me alive. Somewhat pleasant, somewhat not. This windmill of emotions was a mix of angst, sadness, and bittersweet nostalgia. It was as if someone punched me in the guts and I liked it.
Love always hurt. It never forgave anyone and made sure you paid every bill whether you were rich or poor. Someone irrelevant or someone very important.
I plugged my earphones into my phone and listened to some of my favorite tracks, inhaling the herb. My body felt heavy as I was getting higher so I decided to put the smoke out and get inside my room.
I lit some scented candles and laid down on my bed.
The feeling was good. Relaxing and numbing.
It felt as if my feelings were not as strong as they were. And of course, this was only under the influence of the drug.
My head was a mess and it was going to explode. I was thinking of the wasted time.
The wasted effort and emotions that I have put into a certain person.
We, or at least, I saw myself with him in the future, yet everything just went to hell. Was gone with the wind and I could never put into words how much this bugged me.
What I also could not put into words was my overwhelming attraction to Eren, whom I've known for a while now. It felt like some sort of unhealthy obsession. He had set a flame into my heart that I didn't want to be put out, strangely enough.
I had the urge to text him, which I was strongly resisting for some reason.
I started to get paranoid. I thought this would be very toxic since I was not over the previous guy I was with.
However, it was a lot stronger than me. Even though it was 1 AM already, I dared to shoot him a text.
I had some sort of wishful thinking. My anxiety level escalated when I received a response from him.
I didn't expect him to reply at all. Let's not mention reply quickly.
My heart was pounding as I did not know what to say next.
He was a little cold but seemed to be a good listener. For now.
I was wondering, how on Earth would I explain everything to him?
In the next text message, I simply just asked him to come through.
—
01:30 AM
The man was at my door. He knocked and I let him in.
" Good evening. " I said.
" Hello. " he replied.
My window was open, Eren decided to look out of it. His eyes were laying lost in the city lights that were beautifully complimenting them.
This was the first thing that caught me. His gorgeous hues.
" Why did you call me? " Eren asked.
" First of all, I didn't expect you to reply nor come at this time. "
" But here I am. " he said, quietly.
I liked how his personality had mellowed out through the years even though he did not seem to be his best self now.
" And I thank you for this. " I said and laid on my bed. " You are solid 3 years younger than me. "
" And? " he raised his bushy brow.
" Never been attracted to someone younger before. " I sighed.
" I see the picture clearly. "
" You do? " I raised my eyebrow, however, he couldn't see that as it was quite dark in the room.
Eren walked towards me, slowly as recently he had issues with his leg, carefully sitting down on my bed as well.
" You know," I said - " Sometimes I think if life is worth living..."
" This is up to you to decide. "
" I can't. "
" Why? There are people who care about you. "
" I'm not so sure. My family is, at the very least, trash... It's draining. " I sighed.
Eren laid down beside me. Both of us were staring at the ceiling without saying a word for the next half an hour.
" Eren.. "
" Yes?"
" How about your family.? "
" My father... I don't want to talk about it... My mother was killed. "
" I see. "
His breathing got heavier. There was sadness drawn upon his face, however no sorrow. I did not question it any further, even though I wanted to.
" Eren. "
" Hm? "
" I..well uhm."
He did not respond, waiting for me to continue.
" It's been a while & I. Can I be honest? "
" I think so. "
" I've been feeling a certain way about you. "
" Is that good or bad?"
" I don't know. It feels good but wrong at the same time. "
He just nodded and turned to the side, turning his back to me.
Eren's company was enough for me. At least for now. His presence was somewhat beautiful, even though he was in his head a lot as well. I've heard about his hatred of discrimination, therefore I was avoiding such topics.
I did not want to do anything to make him feel bad
I was falling for him more and more.