Guilt pooled in my stomach as our conversation dragged on, making it very evident that it was one-sided. No matter how many compliments he gave me, charming smiles, and gentle nudges - my heart did not give, not even an inch. In time, he had grown silent as well and soon all we could hear were the sounds of our own footsteps, the howl of the wind, and the chirping birds who were chasing after the sunset.
We had last stopped at the top of a hill, where the view overlooked the entirety of Jude's domain, the Green Gallows. The moon hung overhead, bathing everything in silver light as the great lakes reflected the miscellany of stars above. Beyond his domain, I could see the faint outlines of a grand castle. The city lights littered across the horizon. It truly was something you'd only see out of a dream.
So caught up was I in the sight that I had forgotten Raguna was even with me for a moment.
"Are you tired?" he asked, gesturing for me to come sit with him on a marble bench.
"Oh, no." I said, "My feet are just a bit sore."
"Ah," he smiled. "Don't worry, we'll be by your new home soon."
I blinked at him.
"New home?"
"Your living arrangements, which we had agreed would be temporarily placed in each of our respective areas as kings. But this one I give to you, just in case."
"Just in case of what?"
"Just in case you do not wish to work for any of us." he said, eyes fixed on the image before us. The golden streets and silver starlight. "It's a heavy job to be who you are, isn't it? Suddenly all eyes are on you, people are trying their best to please you - smiling, walking you to places, all of that. All at the same time you must be feeling like some imposter, asking yourself what on Earth you've done to deserve this."
The more he talked, the more it sounded like he was describing his life. On Earth, I belonged to a country that had a queen. I never held any love for her but I knew how exhausting it was to have a job like that. For Raguna too, as a king and, by the looks of it, the one person all the other kings trusted the most. He recognised something in me that was like him.
As much as I agreed with what he said, it was strangely hypocritical of him to say these things and use me as a mirror to look at himself. But then again, who was I to talk? I was worse, I'd always be worse.
"Yet here you are," I said, "Smiling, walking me to places, all of that. That's a bit backwards, wouldn't you say?"
"Oh, I'm not doing that because you're the first person to have come to Sunglint in the past hundreds of years. Not at all, at least not mainly." he paused before he turned to me, grinning, "Lavy, if you have not noticed I am a man who called you beautiful earlier. Is it so wrong of me to want to accompany someone beautiful?"
I just stared at him, still trying to process what he said and still not feeling anything.
"Oh."
"Also because I heard news from Theodore on how uncomfortable you were during everything, my brother's desire to be your instant friend just confirmed my suspicions it seemed." he sighed, "Imagine if I had not taken you up this hill to your next destination and you were to go through town, everyone's in such an uproar about you. I worry if you would have another fainting spell, truthfully."
"And what is my next destination?" I asked.
He smiled enigmatically as his handsome features caught the golden light, "I'm giving you a house."
----
While I was unable to say one more word, Raguna had led me to a clearing within a forest in a clearing that bordered all the domains of Sun-glint.
"We had agreed that you will be given temporary housing arrangements within each division, but I knew there would be times, just like tonight, where you'd be left hanging. Therefore, I had set up a place you could go to if you needed a place to get away from it all." He explained, "If you walk north, you'll find the entrance to the walls surrounding Sun-glint, this is where King Odette's Three Towers and division of magicians work. To the east, you will find King Jude's Green Gallows. To the west, you will find King Stevather's High Court."
"And to the south?"
"The central, which is where I reside."
I noted how he did not mention it until I asked and how he did not meet my eyes when saying it.
The house he had brought me to was nestled within that forest, a small clearing with wildflowers that housed fireflies. Pinks, purples, whites, and robin blues, then ivy green creeping up the old brown wood of the walls. A modest patio with a bench and a chipped green door that gave way to a small living room, walls covered in tiny paintings and embroideries framed in brass. A small kitchen to the right, a narrow stairwell that led to the attic. The ceiling was covered in paintings of stars and constellations, with notes of what each meant littered amongst the illustrations.
There was a bed there with a navy blue blanket, a nightstand with a lamp, a candle, and some matches. An empty bookshelf, a table, a chair, and a wardrobe. Even now, I still have every detail of this home etched in my mind. Every crack in the wood, every chipped edge of paint, and I could even name all the constellations written above.
I stood there in the room with Raguna's voice toned out. Still struck with how tired I suddenly felt, how warm and kind this whole place seemed, and how undeserving I felt of it all. Of this home, of the view above that hill, and all the kindness.
"Lavy, are you listening?" he said, a quiet voice and a gentle touch on my shoulder.
And that was all it took for me to come undone, for the second time that day I felt myself tear up.
"Lavy?" he asked, sounding even more frantic. His large frame suddenly came into my field of vision, his concerned face filling my sight. "Hey, you're okay. You're okay. Focus on me, what's going on?"
I could barely speak, I opened my mouth trying to explain the depth of my pain. The loss I felt, the terror of having passed through hell and dying. Yet all I could say, all I could ask was for a selfish thing. The only thing I knew to do whenever someone beside Mara tried to approach the tempest in my heart.
"Can I be alone, please?"
To push people away.
"Alone?"
"I'm tired." I said, trying my best to stop my voice from shaking and to stop my hands from quivering.
"Oh," he said, almost disappointed. "Of course, we walked for a while. King Jude will come and get you tomorrow, but I think you might need a day off."
Another act of kindness, of pity. He was offering another one. I felt my nails dig into my palms.
I could hear that pause between us, the worry as I felt his eyes dig holes into my back.
"I'll leave," he whispered and just as his footsteps began to rescind, so did I hear the words that would finally make me come undone. "I'm sorry if I've said anything to upset you."
The minute I heard the door close behind him, I felt my knees give way. Felt my tears come down my cheeks and hear my voice come out in whispers and small cries. Apologies drenched in sobs addressed to unknown recipients.
All I had at the end of the day was the guilt and anger at myself for having pushed everyone away, of not knowing how to react. To have died and awoken in a strange world, to have lost the love of my life, and having been given all this warmth and kindness - when in truth, I was sure they'd hate me if they knew what I did. Knew what I'd done.
And when that truth was revealed, when the veneer would finally be lifted I knew everything would be taken away from me. They'd all leave. So what else could I do but push it all away? What else could I do when Mara wasn't there to comfort me?
I sat there on the floor for god knows how long, trying to console myself until I could no longer summon any energy left in me to shed a single tear more. It was only by then did I hear a noise outside my window, the sound of a pebble being thrown against the glass pane.
Looking down, I saw the faerie from earlier with my suitcase.
"Delivery for - hold on a second, have you been crying again?"