"Cutting it close there on the call to battle, Shep." I told him over the communication system on the bridge of the Kruban Bound III, "I was starting to worry about my kid showing up before the fight."
"It was a long and hard road to get here, but now is the time to end these Collectors once and for all." the Commander announced.
"Don't worry too much." I grinned, "I brought enough warheads to see us through this mess."
As our ships made the jump to the center of the galaxy though the Omega 4 Relay, I went up to my cabin to look at a photo of Jack who was not on this mission on account of being thirty six weeks pregnant.
I channeled the spirits of all the great Shepards before me who remained true to their Liara romance and all the idiots that did the same for Ashley Williams. I did this right before entering a four way with Linda, Wanda, and Kat, securing my place as the greatest pre suicide mission captain's cabin scene.
"Fire everything!" I shouted as we came through the Relay and were greeted by the Collector defense fleet.
It was a damn good thing I brought enough missiles to crack a small planet and the space between us and the Queen's Palace lit up like a badass scene from Gundam. I left the bridge of the Kruban Bound III and joined my strike force in the cargo bay where they all donned an Archwing system. I'd spent months designing and building these things and they were fun as hell to pilot when you aren't doing so from a keyboard and mouse, and goddamn I could pack some major dakka onto these things. I had a particular fondness for the quad barreled assault cannon known as the Grattler.
I led my fighters out into space where we mopped up the remaining resistance quickly and started hammering the defenses of the Queen's palace, securing the LZ for the Normandy to land while the Kruban Bound III's AI pilot would hold the position ready to engage any reinforcements that may come, but with the war crime level bombing I just pulled off on them, I'm not sure they have any ships left.
I activated the recall function on my Archwing and we began our ground game against the Collectors. The Queen's Guard in their dark armor fought tooth and nail for every inch of the palace we took, but were slowly losing the battle of attrition. The sounds of plasma autocannons never ceased, sending rivers of hot plasma bolts down range to keep them tucked into cover while we maneuvered to ever more advantageous positions. They attempted a few good ambushes at melee range by swarming from hidden passages, but our Spartan Krogan Powersuits proved themselves superior to their mil-tech prosthetic limbs and chassis.
As we pushed along the EDI plotted route to the heart of the Fortress, we entered an enormous chamber with stadium seats all around and on the center stage stood the incredibly long form of Kela De Tharn. Her mechanical body looked lumbering, but she quickly put that idea to rest by leaping in the air and pulling herself laterally with a grappling line while launching mini rockets from her legs and shoulders. She then leapt off the wall and landed in the center of our formation, putting many on their asses via shockwave before she leapt away and pelted people with shotgun blasts.
I leapt after her with hammer in hand.
"You're the one that killed Kryl!" she shouted as her shotgun shells petered out against my omni-shield, "You'll pay for that!"
"I doubt it." I responded and hit her with my hammer, sending her flying into the other side of the stands.
"GO!" I ordered my brothers, "I got this. Keep pushing the battle!"
Kela caught me with a teep kick that revealed a hidden boot shotgun that sent me to the ground.
The woman had some sick tricks, too bad I would soon be killing her.
It was an exhilarating fight, but I recovered near instantly from everything she tried to do to me, and she did not do the same from my reprisals. Eventually, one of her sturdy robot legs gave out and it was just a game of whack a mole after that.
I followed the path of carnage to find Mini Me pulling the head of Vay Hek out of his mecha combat frame and crushing the screaming politician in his hands.
"Nice, bro." I complimented his brutality.
"Someone had to shut him up." He shrugged and we continued on our way until we were stopped by Captain Vor.
"You go no further." he said before revealing the bombs he strapped to his body and running at us.
I thought quickly and threw Jacob at him as hard as I could, tripping the charging Collector Grineer officer up causing him to detonate without killing anyone that mattered.
"Well that explosion was disappointing." I commented on the rather unimpressive radius on that detonation.
"Jacob will be remembered as the hero this mission deserved, but never wanted." the Commander declared as we pressed into the throne room.
The Worm-taur Queens waited within, their deformed bodies turning snakelike below the belt.
"Fucking Krogan." the larger cursed, "Why can't you worthless reptiles just leave us to our business with the humans?"
"I fuck a lot of humans." I answered.
"You're here cause the human's let you get your dick wet with them?" The smaller harlequin-like queen asked.
"Yeah." I responded.
"I'll let you fuck me if you switch sides." she ran a hand down her petite upper body.
"Silence Worm." The elder queen shouted, "We will not parley with primitives."
"Ahh." the younger queen complained, "What's the point of having a pussy if it ain't getting fucked?"
If she wasn't some deformed technophile monster this younger queen would make for a sweet lover.
"I've heard enough of this horse shit." the Commander declared and shot the Queens with his Cain.
When the mushroom cloud cleared, I gave him a fist bump.
A little more exploring led us to the lab of Tyl Regor, the man weeping next to a pulsing orb.
"You will pay for what you have done today." Tyl shouted and pounded his fist into the ground.
"People keep telling me that." I smirked.
"You may have beaten us, but we are far lesser than we were in the past." Tyl insisted.
"We know, you guys were what's left of the Protheans." I sighed, "Already been through that shit."
"Ignorant reptile." Tyl spat, "This beacon has already sent its message into dark space. The Ravagers will come for you just as they came for us, and the Shadow of New Despair will settle on all your primitive worlds!"
"Does the term buggernaut mean anything to you?" I asked the distressed mad scientist.
"Good, you know the horror of what's to come!" Tyl shouted before pulling an axe off a nearby table and being beaten to death by my brothers.
"What do you know of what he was talking about?" the Commander asked me but I was already singing.
"To save our mother Earth from any alien attack
From vicious giant insects who have once again come back
We'll unleash all our forces, we won't cut them any slack
The EDF deploys!
Our soldiers are prepared for any alien threats
The navy launches ships, the air force send their jets
And nothing can withstand our fixed bayonets
The EDF deploys!
Our forces have now dwindled and we pull back to regroup
The enemy has multiplied and formed a massive group
We better beat these bugs before we're all turned to soup
The EDF deploys!
To take down giant insects who came from outer space
We now head underground, for their path we must retrace
And find their giant nest and crush the queen's carapace
The EDF deploys!
The air force and the navy were destroyed or cast about
Scouts, rangers, wing divers have almost been wiped out
Despite all this the infantry will stubbornly hold out
The EDF deploys!
Our friends were all killed yesterday, as were our families
Today we might not make it, facing these atrocities
We'll never drop our banner despite our casualties
The EDF deploys!
Two days ago my brother died, next day my lover fell
Today most everyone was killed, on that we must not dwell
But we will never leave the field, we'll never say farewell
The EDF deploys!"
"GOD I LOVE MY LIFE!" I shouted in joy.