"So what are we looking at Doc?" The Commander asked Mordin in his mobile lab on Horizon where the Salarian and I were processing Grineer corpses to determine what the fuck they are.
For him it was a fascinating series of dissections and chemical analysis, for me it was a neat several days spent with an alternate version of my amphibian bro who I am finally smart enough to hang with in his element.
"Collectors are species of clones with very limited origin source." the salarian super scientist spoke, "Shows signs of extreme genetic degradation and machine augmentation to cover birth defects and enhance baseline parameters. DNA analysis predicts ninety seven percent certainty that Collectors are remnant Protheans!"
"The Collectors are the Protheans?" The Commander asked in typical dramatic reveal Shepard fashion.
Mordin just grinned and nodded.
"Fascinating." he added.
"Is there any indication of what they are harvesting the colonists for?" Shepard questioned.
"Can only speculate, but believe them to be converting human bodies into BioGel used in cloning process to repair degraded genetics and prevent defects." Mordin answered.
"That is a weirdly specific speculation." I looked askance at Mordin as he backed up hella sus.
"What, would never test human conversion to BioGel for Salarian skin care products. Completely unethical…and so smooth." He whispered the last part.
"Fucking, Xenos." The Commander shook his head and sighed before leaving.
"How smooth we talking?" I asked my SCIENCE homie.
"Make old Krogan female look less like ballsack." Mordin stated and went back to his work.
"That's some good shit." I nodded my head and helped him.
While I was working the sweet science angle with Mordin, my brothers were loading up Grineer gear into my nanohive's worksite and grinned as the swarm of tiny machines produced armor and weapons for them. A little late night coding on my end produced the software needed to run my deadly trio of passive powerups, and a few minutes of retrofitting on my suit allowed me to spark up my glowing orange holographic armor for the first time in eighteen years.
I didn't cry tears of joy.
Getting Devastation Mode to work with my plasma weapons was a bit of a mental stretch, but the field tests showed 10 out of 10 fucking awesome.
Linda told me she loved me after seeing the destruction her sniper rifle did with all the technomancy. It was tender.
As for the Tankborne and mini me… I may have gone overboard hopping them up on retrovirus and growth hormones and put them in a growth accelerator tank so I could perform Spartan style augmentations on them and garb them in the most advanced combat suites in several sci-fi galaxies, but who didn't want Spartan Krogans?
Who am I asking for validation from? I am the mother fucking God Emperor of Krogankind and I will turn my brother-sons into Astartes if I want to.
Needless to say, the Grineer were fucked.
"Okay, this shit is getting intense!" Jacob whinged in the Horizon Command Center mess hall, "The Demon King Krogan has spread his crazy to the other Krogan and now they are all eight and half feet tall and toting machine guns that can tear a heavy mech apart in less than ten rounds. I fucking told you we should have spaced them. Now it's too late! They are all in pressurized EVA capable powersuits. We'll need to bring the Normandy's main guns to get rid of one of them. And there are like fifty of them!"
"Jesus, Jacob." Miranda sighed, "Could you be any less cool right now."
"You're only saying that because you got hypnotized by his dick when you saw him coming out of the showers!" Jacob shouted, "Anything with a cock that incredible is suspect! You've been hypnotized by his hog and I won't let mankind end like this!"
Jacob got up and ran out as I sat down with several trays full of the local giant bug meat. The stuff gave humans the shits, but for me and the boys it was prime meat just waiting to get in our bellies.
"Ah Miranda." I grinned, "I've missed you for a long time girl."
"Oh, were we close in your universe?" she smirked.
"Very intimate." I said softly.
I emerged from the apartment Miranda commandeered for her stay the next day and my brothers were all outside. I gave them a thumbs up and they all began the celebration.
A week later the Alliance finally showed up to provide relief for the devastated colony and freeing us up to leave the people we saved guilt free. My crew loaded up on our new Frigate, The Kruban Bound III, a ship that put the Normandy in its inferior place made using recycled Grineer equipment, destroyed buildings from around the colony, and a Spartan power supply.
"Alright Ren-Shep." I grinned, "You don't need me to hold your hand while you go get your crew together and a ready for the mission, so call me in if the Collectors need smacking around, EDI has my contact info. And remember this always. Do not listen to Jacob's opinion about anything. The guy is just a good enough an actor to make you think he isn't a retard, but take him up on one of his suggestions and that façade shatters real quick."
"Alright! Fuck you you giant Xeno lizard dick head!" Jacob shouted in rage.
"Why don't you go track down the father that abandoned you, you walking talking unflattering stereotype. How did the people that made Captain The Mother Fucking Man Anderson make the only black companion so fucking colossally bad! Kai Lang is almost a step up from you and he ruins the third game!"
God it feels good to get that off my chest again.
"How are you holding up, Jean?" I asked as I entered the woman's cabin.
"Well…" she pursed her lips, "After falling out of love, I have been locked in combat with sci-fi mercs and a demented clone army, and the only people I know are all my former lovers and and they are running head long into the fighting. So I am doing meh." She nodded her head, "That's about right. My heart hurts like hell, but at least there is a whole galaxy full of assholes for me to share that pain with."
"That's the spirit!" I cheered the girl's progress, "No matter what happens and may change, you will always have a place with us, Jean. For however long you want it."
"Thanks, Grunt." Jean almost smiled, "I'm scared. A big part of me wants the Phoenix back in charge, filling me with all that passion and certainty. And another part of me is horrified that I would be happy to be controlled just so I don't have to feel so alone anymore."
"I get it." I chuckled, "I'm not exactly the kind of guy a good Christian girl grows up dreaming about marrying. Hehe, I don't look a thing like Jesus except these sick muscles." I flexed the double bicep, "Anyone ever tell you how swole Jesus must have been? The guy was a carpenter before power tools!"
I left Jean's cabin feeling like I'd done my good deed for the day, which is why I put her on suicide watch, cause I don't trust myself to do good things for people anymore. Bake a lovely roast in clay out a person's leg, none better. Liver on a lovely bed of fava beans, I'm the guy. Make some distraught girl's day better. Better safe than sorry and call in the watch dogs.
"I'm back baby!" I shouted as I walked up to Aria T'loak on her deck overseeing the action at the Afterlife nightclub on Omega, "God I missed this couch."
"I have no idea who or what you are." She shook her head, "The only reason you got this meeting is because you showed up on my station in the most advanced frigate anyone has ever seen being crewed by what can only be described as supersoldiers."
"That's cold, baby." I smirked, "But I guess we don't have any kids in this timeline."
"Crazy and dangerous." Aria leaned back into her comfy couch, "Things never change on this station. What do you want from me?"
"Friendship to start." I smiled at my lover's alternate, "And I can guarantee you ain't never had a friend like me."
I always loved it when I got Aria to smile for real.