I danced slowly to a song that existed only in my heart and home universe until a B1 battle droid came in and fake coughed to get my attention.
"Ahem, Sir, the CIS ambassador is here." the funny battle droid stated.
Seriously, I only keep a few of these guys around for comedic purposes. The one who passes my butter is a true delight.
"That was today?" I asked.
"It was actually ten minutes ago." the droid answered.
"Oh… neat." I told the droid while I got my shit together, "Who'd they send."
"Asajj Ventress."
Be still my rising cock.
I fell in love with a murderous space baldie, and though I do love the hair Jack had grown out over the years, a part of me will always remember her first look fondly. The part that stiffens when other murderous space baldies enter my lair.
Would I pop chub if Mace Wendu decided to invade? Fight boners are a thing, so… yes, maybe. Insufficient data to reach satisfactory conclusion.
I had embraced the spirit of my best salarian pal and conducted a vast multi-year experiment, documented my results, and concluded empirically that the people of this galaxy are softer than baby shit.
When you hand a pair of elite level space wolves a violent criminal empire and turn us on a galaxy weakened by a thousand years of peace, well the last handful of years before the clone wars broke out were an all consuming feeding frenzy. At this point I can't tell if the Republic is more scared of us or the Confederacy.
I think the heads of the baker's dozen Jedi Jack and I mailed to the Senate tipped things into our favor.
Tatooine had changed drastically over the years, and not just that I'd moved from Jabba's palace to Grunt's ludicrous mega fortress. I'd started breeding not only the massiffs I'd taken from the sand people as guard beasts and hunting hounds, but also started ranching the local krayt dragon population. The current number of krayt dragons existing outside of captivity is zero. In the long run it would greatly diminish the value of holding Tatooine as a seat of power, but I am pretty sure my strip mining operations were doing that even faster.
My little dust ball is actually filled to the brim with various metals, and initially that drew the galaxies mega corporations here. When they found out that all of it was tainted and the price of refining it was higher than the price they could sell it, they fled faster than a pack of vorcha from a pissed off krogan. That's why the Jawas live in massive mining machines. The cost of taking all the heavy equipment with them was too high when the corpos retreated.
But can you guess what tainted metal is really good for? If you guessed slugthrower ammo then you are absolutely right. A number of kidnappings later and I had a highly motivated think tank of engineers turning my ideas about developing slugthrower tech into reality. Fully auto shotguns, heavy machine guns, sniper rifles that can tear a target in two from a mile out, not to mention the various anti ship cannons and anti fighter flack cannons.
I'd used my three finger discount to snatch up my workforce for all the manufacturing. For the last six years I'd mercilessly raided both the Trade Federation and the Techno Union. I constantly stole their ships and droids and had enough slicers and programmers working for me full time to start a major software company, but instead they spent their days reprogramming droids to love them some Jack and Grunt.
When they sent a fleet to blockade Tatooine I sent them a thank you note for cutting down on my travel expenses. I am a guy who they hated for stealing their droids and ships and they sent more droids and ships to stop me. No wonder a ten year old beat these stupid fucks on Naboo.
Hostilities ended when I kidnapped Gunray and Watt and sent their corporations a video of them standing naked next to my sexually aroused rancor with the caption: Meet my demands or they get fucked to death.
God I love my new job.
They sent me enough mining and industrial equipment to strip mine a small resource rich world every ten years and paid me enough yearly tribute to halt half my enterprises and still come out ahead.
I immediately used those resources to transform my organization from a thorn in the galaxy's side to her abusive alcoholic husband. Sure, they could rally their strength and kill me, but would they ever have the courage to?
At this point Mama the Hutt was ready to declare the Hutt Empire arisen once more with me as its Emperor. After all, I'd inspired an entire generation of young hutts to get off the couch and bust ass both in the gym and in the wider galaxy. We were ready to remind people why we have been in charge for so long. Spoiler alert, it's because hutts that lift are swole like Mr Olympia Open Champions and can survive having half their brain blown out.
"It's about time you got here." Jack said as she lazily draped herself on our shared throne.
She dressed in samite spun with platinum and rings, bracelets, and rope necklaces made of the same precious metal (cause gold is cheap and tacky when you are rich enough to control entire star systems). She hid a pair of cortosis bracers in her sleeves.
The trip to this verse had done her a world of good. With a solid strength and conditioning program she maxed out the physical power eating Jabba gave her and it showed. While not cut because of our luxurious diet, Jack was both lean and powerful, finally strong enough to transform from a young woman lashing out at the universe in fear and pain into a dominant and confident queen with her hands on the wheel and her eyes up on the road.
She was the most glorious woman to ever exist in two galaxies, and I am not just saying that because she can take a pounding that would crush anyone else and come back for more after rehydrating.
Asajj is a woman similar to Jack in more than just appearance, but has yet to rise above the hand she has been dealt in life. A woman still stuck in the quagmire of anguish and only diving deeper.
After I took my place on the throne, the pair of commando droids allowed Ventress to approach.
"Greetings mighty Grunt. I am Asajj Ventress, Apprentice to Count Dooku and ambassador for the Confederacy of Independent Systems."
"While you are certainly easier on the eyes than your master, I must confess myself disappointed that he didn't come here himself." I told the pale nightsister, "I'd really love to have him at my table for dinner, and I just don't think I'd take the same pleasure in picking your brain."
Jack chuckled, interrupting the conversation, "Sorry, the eating people jokes always get me."
"That's why I do them." I grinned at her while Asajj bit back her response and recomposed herself.
"My master deeply regrets his inability to attend these negotiations, but I assure you I speak with both his voice and authority during these talks." Got to give it to the girl, she can pull off the whole humble and contrite act.
I just laughed at her response, "Nice try, but we know that Dooku isn't dumb enough to ever walk into an enclosed space with us, that's what he has you for." her scowl deepened as her anger built, "I assume he sent his nubile and naïve apprentice in an attempt to seduce me? He knows that the Republic has spread its legs to get access to my hyperspace routes. He isn't dumb enough to have sent you in your usual capacity, because all that would accomplish is me lowering my price to destroy the CIS from a complete ass fucking to a far more mutual agreement."
"Maybe he is trying to get rid of her?" Jack mused.
"Nah." I denied, "It's still too early in her training for his master to feel threatened and her record isn't tarnished enough yet for him to give up on her."
"You know not of what you speak." Ventress hissed.
"On the contrary, I am deeply studied in both Jedi and Sith history and ideology." I countered, "I know that as things stand now both the Jedi and the Sith are at their most hollow state in terms of both overall power and dogma. Following the Russan Reforms the Jedi doctrine became entirely based in fear. They seek to turn themselves into unfeeling things out of fear of the Dark Side. The success of the Rule of Two is based on selflessness to the level even the Jedi would balk under, and it expects this of people who pull their strength from sources like fear and anger. Every master must give of himself fully to his student and each apprentice must boldly face his master. Your master fully believes in the Rule of Two because his years as a Jedi leave him vulnerable to high minded ideas, but does his master believe in the same?"
"You dare to question the Sith?" said the woman who drank deeply the Dark Side Kool Aid.
"Jedi, Sith, both are just people worshiping a source of power that actively seeks to enslave its users." I answered her rhetorical question, "To me you are all just space wizards high on your own farts."
The woman actually leapt at us and got caught in a singularity from Jack. As she helplessly floated around a blue sphere we both laughed. We'd learned previously that we are wounds in the Force, which means that direct Force abilities cannot affect us. Jack's mass effect fields also carry this property which means any Force user caught in her abilities such as Singularity, Lift, or Stasis are unable to use the Force to escape. Long story short, Space Wizards ain't got shit on us.
"Ventress." I addressed our captive, "The only reason you are still alive is because I want to fuck you. Drop the lightsabers if you are down, otherwise this is the end."
A week later Asajj left our care having found a whole new foundation for the line in the Sith Code: Through passion I gain strength.