My name is Kim Hyewon. I am 15 years old.
Today, my dream shattered before my eyes.
I've always liked Kpop. When I was a kid, I'd go into dance party mode every time I heard Gee or Nobody playing. As I grew older I'd buy albums, stream music videos, vote for my ults ( ultimate, favourite groups) for music shows, collect merch and photo books. Normal Kpop fan things. I didn't want to become an idol, until I went to my first concert.
The lights. The stage. The endless screaming from the fans. I've seen the Twice members on Vlives, interviews, promotion stages millions of times. I know all the trivia and fun facts about them. Favourite food, colour and names of their pets. You name it, I know it. But I only felt like I truly knew the members that night. When they shone their brightest on stage. Mere metres away from me. It's like I could feel their souls painting the stadium the most dazzling, beautiful colours you can imagine. I could feel their passion, their stage presence, their everything, exploding like fireworks. Like a tsunami, engulfing you completely and absolutely, with no way of resistance, soaking you to the core with their charm and energy. And the crowd too. All 15 000 of us in the KSPO Dome that night, waving our Candybong Z lightsticks with the beat of the music, screaming our lungs out. I guess we were all just reflecting back to them what we felt that night. However, most onces (name of Twice's fandom) that night probably just wanted to see them. I did too, but after that night, I realised that, I really want to be like them. To stand on that stage and set yourself on the fire of your passion,
and shine your starlight on so many wide eyed fans, who were completely in sync, enchanted and starstruck to see you and feel you, watching your performance from such close range. After that night, there was no turning back. I absolutely have to become an idol. A performer. An artist.
Immediately after going home that night, I started planning on how to become an idol. I would love to have just lied down on bed and revere in the pure bliss of the memory of the concert, but there was no time to be wasted. I was already 15! Some idols already debuted at this age. Being a veteran Kpop fan, I knew that to guarantee a successful career, I have to be in one of the "Big 3" companies, which are JYP, YG and SM entertainment. Sure, many famous idol groups, namely the world's most famous, BTS, come from small companies. But these are just the tip of the iceberg. Most become "nugu groups", which basically means nobody groups, 'cause nobody knows them. However, if you debut from the Big 3, it's basically a given that you'll find success. Besides, my parents are friends with the CEOs of all 3 of the Big 3 companies, I'm sure entering one of them would be a piece of cake. If I keep training hard, and with a bit of help from my natural assets, AKA my richass chaebol-owner parents and my refreshing visuals, I'm sure I'll debut!
If at this point you think I'm a spoiled, self-absorbed bitch who depends on her parents for everything in life, well you aren't wrong. But don't worry, I didn't get away with bribing Lee Soo Man with daddy's money. In fact, I didn't even get to audition for any of the companies. Why? Let's just say when I told my parents what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, they started fucking laughing.
"Hahaha… ", mum and dad laughed. "Our daughter's still a kid after all. I thought'd she wouldn't be having these silly daydreams by now". Mum said to dad, in between laughs.
"Kim Hyewon" ,dad began, "you are the sole heiress to our family business. You have been very lucky to be born into our family, with a silver spoon in your mouth. Therefore, it is your duty to takeover the family business and lead it to greater heights. I don't want to hear about this Kpop nonsense again. Besides, it's not like you'll ever survive being a trainee, much less an idol. You've been doted upon like a princess since birth. What makes you think you can survive all that extreme physical training, the diets and the lifestyle of a trainee. Do you really think you can live in a dorm?"
"That's right, dear. You won't even look someone in the eye if you catch them wearing last season's Chanel. There is absolutely no way you'll be able to live with a random bunch of girls. Also, you'll have to clean up by yourself in the dorm! When in your life have you ever done a single chore?" Mum questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"It doesn't matter. None of that does. I don't care about the family business, or how tiring the idol life is. You think I don't know that? I know exactly what the dark side of stardom looks like. But to be able to perform like them, to shine on stage, I'd give anything for that. No matter how tough. Mum, dad, please!"
My parents eyed each other, making obvious their annoyance at my not obeying them like some pet dog.
"The answer is no and that's final. I don't want to hear about this Kpop delusion ever again. Besides, you won't have time to sing or dance once you enter Joongdong Girl's High". Dad walked out of the living room and returned to his office, leaving me dumbfounded.
"Joongdong? What the hell? That school is for psycho nerds who only knows how to study! Why am I going there?"
"Mind your language", mum warned, with that deathly mum look in her eyes. Then her gaze softened.
"We're doing this for your good, sweetie. Joongdong Boy's High was your dad's alma mater. And his dad's. And his grandfather's. Even though you're a girl, it's absolutely necessary to maintain the family legacy. I'm sure you know that they have the highest acceptance rate for SNU. And lucky for you, when picking your club for you, we chose String Ensemble! We know how much you love music, and since you've been playing the piano since young, I'm sure you can pick up the cello with no trouble at all!"
What. The. Fuck. I didn't even know what I was more mad about, the fact that they picked my high school for me behind my back, or that my dreams were shattered. Let's go about it step by step, shall we? By the way, I haven't even gotten my middle school final exams results back yet. My parents probably donated a music room to Joongdong or something to get me in. Speaking of Joongdong, Joongdong Girl's high is hands down the best private female high school in Korea. My worst nightmare. It's student population consists entirely of ugly girls who only studied and studied and studied, or did sports or arts if it was their specialty. If you ever wonder why South Korea's student suicide rate is so high, here's your answer. And while I did play the piano since young, that was in no way because I loved classical music. I ain't no Arima Kousei. Most Kpop songs can be played on piano, so that's fun. String instruments, however, are literally a relic of the past. No one thinks 'pop' or 'modern' when you think of strings. All you think about are centuries old tunes that are better used as sleep therapy than as a concert centrepiece. Even in ballads or drama OSTs, strings will always just be background music. To set the mood, but never the main attraction. It's everything that isn't what I want. It's ancient, boring, and not the thing that'll fill someone's soul with energy and passion. It's a trend that should have died with the composers who loved it, but rich people like my parents who think they have taste absolutely adore it, so now it's my duty as their offspring to carry on the legacy of worshipping the dead.
Back then, I thought my life wasn't my own. I'm just an extension, a continuation of the family. Their will is my will. Except it isn't and it's really fucking sad when your life is decided by someone else. The idea of going to Joongdong, and joining it's string ensemble, made me sick to my stomach. But that was back then.
Back then, I hadn't met her.