The return back home wasn't grand or magical. There were no tearful goodbyes, a begging hug or a pray to stay.
The return was as abrupt and sudden as the arrival.
One moment I was in the middle of war, trembling and holding my sword, painted with the blood of my enemies, towards the neck of a Primordial who was struggling under my foot in vain. The battle was coming to a close and we both knew it, as both sides have already suffered heavy losses.
But a man did not sustain himself by begging, and the kingdom paid their soldiers based on body count, and so I took a shallow, ragged breath, mentally prepared myself and hurled my sword towards the general direction of his neck.
The horrendous feeling of a sword piercing through tender flesh, blood spurting from an open wound as the life left the eyes of your victims, did not come.
The haunting sound of the human-like screams your victims produced as they grieved their own death and mortality, did not come.
The abrupt and haunting realization that you ended the life of another intelligent being that likely had their own family, friends and lover, did not come.
Instead, what came was the sudden feeling of warmth. The warmth that of another human being, encompassing you entirely and making you feel safe. For a moment, I felt safe and loved, protected. And then I froze and came back to my senses.
And my first reaction was to be disgusted.
In my mind, I was a murderer. A messenger and bringer of death and decay. To battles, I marched, killed, injured, and to the houses of my fallen comrades, I brought empty, hollow assurances to the grieving families and friends.
Some grieved with me, asked how did their loved one die and invited me to the funeral, and that just made it worse for me, as how was I to tell them that I had failed to protect my comrades?
Some hated me and resented me for not being good enough, blamed me for their loved one's death, spit on me and treated me with extreme prejudice, cried and screamed, 'how dare you let you let them die?'
As how a murderer should be dealt with.
I didn't deserve to be safe, or to be protected by someone else. Murderers should not get that human right.
My second reaction was to freeze again after analyzing my surroundings, but for an entirely different reason.
What...? How!