*
When we went back, she was there. She finally came out, at least I think this was her. She wore a large black baggy hoodie that covered her down to her thighs. Her hands were tucked into a center pouch with red lines accentuating the silhouette of her waist. Grey stars line up vertically from the top of her right shoulder to the bottom of the hoodie, with an alternating smaller gold star inside the grey star for every 2 of them.
Locks of dark green hair peek out of the hood, complementing the dark red stripes covering the shoulder to neck sections, followed by the stripe bending 45 degrees downwards to the centre of the hoodie. White runes occasionally glow on the outerside of her sleeves. Her legs were almost bare with the slight dark blue of denim peeking out from under the hoodie. At the bottom were soft black socks at standard length above the ankles followed by hot pink shoes. Black stripes and circles decorate her shoes, making the hot pink stand out even more.
Her coarse voice spoke out from under her hood, its rough nature poking out it's head for all to see.
"... Did you have to get in my way?" (?)
Understandably irritated, a hint of defeat slipped through. If you have no confidence, why bother why such a flashy operation? If it wasn't me, someone else would have found out sooner or later.
"... Yeah. I took pity on the citizens. I took pity on my friends here. Just what did you do to them? "
"It won't matter to you anyway. You'll join them." (?)
***(?)
We were at a playground when it struck. Perhaps the problem stemmed from even further back? Was I always this anxious? I wonder how she thinks of me now?
Ever since she was born, she was the sweetest piece of pie, maybe the family favourite. She received everything I wanted but earlier than I did, she had everything I needed but before she even asked. I wasn't particularly neglected, not that I had any reference to see what was normal.
"... You have a baby sister, right? What's she like? I bet she's so cute!" (Friend 1)
" Ah. Mhmm! The way she swings her little legs was so adorable! You should have seen her!"
I'm more confused than anything. I have to take care of that thing and call it my little sister? People expect me to just accept it as the big sister, that I would inevitably be treated as lesser. Did anyone stop to give me a thought? Screw all of you!
... At the end of the day, I was picking a fight with a baby. Common sense dictated that I shouldn't torture nor do anything to it. So I gritted my teeth and waited as the years go by. I watched as my parents spoil and indulge her, I watched as she learned her alphabets, learned to walk, learned to talk. Each time, my parents would say "See that? She did that faster than you. Can't you at least work harder for your exams?"
It was... Not as if I was failing at school or anything. Compared to my little sister's cuteness, my average grades simply couldn't capture their attention long enough. No matter what. There was a point... For a few months straight, I wouldn't stop studying for a couple hours every day. I cut down on my free time and made sure to comprehend my classes thoroughly, I made many copies of notes and flip cards of the same content just to remember better. I practiced examination papers and would go through multiple reference books per month. Half a year of hard work, just to prove my parents wrong. Just to say that I worked hard, just to present my very best efforts in my exams.
Straight As, a hellish lifestyle brought me the fruits of my labour. It was mentally taxing, physically taxing. At some points I wasn't even sure if I was eating right as my body got slimmer. Bringing back home... My 6 months worth of hard work loss... To some crying. I was not even sure if they were looking at me anymore.
"Mom! Mom! Look! I finally did it."
"WAAAAAAAH" (Little sister)
"... Tch! Good for you! You made her cry!" (Mother)
Desperately trying to contain her outburst, she didn't even bat an eye after giving my results a single glance. To be honest there were many times where I explored alternatives. Would it be better if I take my own life? Or the baby's? It would be pretty easy to break the baby's fragile and developing neck. But neither of those would make my parents give me attention. I don't want the bad kind of attention either, the one gained from doing a bad deed. I want to be praised. I want to be appreciated. I want them to feel joyful when they see me. I want them to love me...
No matter what comes to past, I only receive the bare minimum. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for not appreciating the bare minimum, considering the rising standard of living in cities. But for me... For myself who only knows of myself, I have nothing else to compare it to... I can only recognise that this is the lowest point of my own existence. As such, the bare minimum feels like torture. Why... Why won't you look at me? Why do you never look at me? Do you know how hurt I feel looking at other families enjoying their time? Do you know how much this jealousy tears away at my insides?
Even my favourite teacher that I liked... Strangely told me he preferred girls younger than me one day after school... I had cleaning duty and he was muttering some strange things... "I wish I was working in a kindergarten instead. The kids may be harder to take care of, but they are cuter. The syllabus will be easier to teach." I wrote it off as an odd rant about his current job, that perhaps he was simply getting mistreated or satisfied with his current elementary school teaching job... He got arrested only a week later. Anyone could guess why, it was surprising and the signs were never there. I let someone who didn't even look at me seriously... Reject me...
Naturally I hated him for the disgusting person that he was. Intruding a kindergarten was not normal in any capacity. He was truly... A irredeemable pervert... Skip to a few years later. When I was in my graduating year of elementary school, she picked up the piano. It reminded me of the countless times... The sickening gut wrenching times when mother would hound on me for not practicing piano enough. Naturally, I quit due to stress. But unlike myself, my little sister never once complained. She kept playing and playing and playing, soon enough her skills surpassed mine.
"Sister... Why do you never look at me?" (Little sister)
I don't want to hear that from you. At least not from someone who took everything away from me. My everything was a little specific here... But as a child, I felt like my everything was just the things other people had and I didn't. It was exaggerating and petty, but it was simply the amalgamation of my accumulated frustration and resentment. It had nowhere to go but to my little sister.
Even when I knew deep down she was the same as me and any other person. Of course she wouldn't cherish the attention she received if she had it from the start. She would thirst and cherish what she didn't have instead, attention and love from me. It was like looking at a really ugly mirror at that moment, though I knew better to just keep my mouth shut.
For the next 3 years, she quickly picked up many other skills and interesting things. She would always show them off to me where I could only grit my teeth and fake a smile in silence. Every, single, time. I dreaded even sharing a meal with her and decided to eat in my room in the end. It bore a large hole in the relationship between me and my parents as it was a little too defiant for their taste. I'm sure no parent would want their child to eat alone, but if you conditioned them to be alone then don't be surprise when they get used to it.
With years come experience, with experience comes adaptation. We constantly adapt to a harder education ladder, we do from elementary school to middle school, then middle school to high school. I'm not sure about others, but my schools progressively got harder. More time had to be spent on my studies. It felt suffocating but it was one of the few venues I could use to get away from my little sister.
"Why do you never speak to me? Why don't you want to eat with me? Why do you isolate yourself like this?!" (Little sister)
At that point, it felt like something had snapped. No, it was not my tolerance or my reasoning. It was my will, it crumbled. Defeat? Yeah, maybe it's way closer to defeat. I stopped smiling and simply ignored her. It was the only leverage I had, it was extremely petty and worth nothing to me. But it was worth a lot to her, so I withheld it, the potential attention and love I could have given to her as the big sister. But she pressed on.
"I.... I'm not dumb anymore. It's been nearly my entire life. I see how happy you get when something bad happens to me, I see how excited you get when mum and dad scolds me. I see how disappointed you get when I only receive a pat on the wrist.
I even experimented, did some bad stuff on purpose to bring joy to you. I tried to make it look as natural as possible. My heart sank when mum and dad saw it as unnatural, but it was their usual ignorance so nothing happened in the end.
I.... Did I do something to you?" (Se Li)
"... It's... Nothing. "
Have I gone soft? No... I went numb. Despite those small hits of joy that I indeed experienced when Se Li got scolded, there were also hints of guilt. What did I really want here? Obviously it wasn't for her to suffer as well. That was just my resentment getting vented out, that wasn't my original goal. I wanted attention, I wanted the love and affection my parents showered me in before they funneled all of that to Se Li. I grasped and struggled desperately, crawling humiliatingly for a sliver of it.
I gained nothing out of all that hardwork, so there was nothing left for me but to take pleasure in her pain. But you know? When you feel a bit of guilt, that guilt actually starts welling up. The guilt of enjoying her pain, the guilt of not giving her what she wants. She seemed so needy and childish hungering for my attention, but I was the exact same with our parents. There was really no more excuse, even the small perverse pleasure I indulge in when she gets hurt had a limit. After some time with her repeated experiments, maybe I noticed it. Or maybe I had so much I got bored of it over the years.
I had nothing left. Nothing but that small bit of leverage. And I even felt bad withholding it from her. So it was nothing. I tried to have something, but it became nothing anyway. When she told me her chain of mischief was nothing but an experiment, it became even more worthless. What she wanted and what I wanted was so similar yet so different. She had what I wanted, I didn't have what she wanted. It wasn't an equal trade if I were to start loving her now. So despite this numbness dealing excruciating pain to my psyche, I persevered.
" I'm... I'm sorry for whatever I did... So please... What can I do to change your mind." (Se Li)
She too persevered. She began grovelling as if that would change the years of what I experienced. As if anything would change... As if anything would... Change...
I guess I broke. I lost. I gave in to her in the end, because I saw so much of myself in her yet I hated her so much I thought, maybe this has gone on long enough. That if I was the only one to suffer, it would be fine.
"... Why... Why are you crying big sis? If... If you can't do it then don't. I won't give up! One day, I'll make you acknowledge me... That's why I've been working so hard. My... My friends always talk about how their older siblings dot on them, how they were teased and bullied by them and how fun it was to be with them. They... Have these ups and downs that made me hesitated coming here and confronting you, but... They at least have the experience to judge for themselves...
I want to experience it too, I want you to spoil me and play with me! I want you to smile at me and praise me! I know it's selfish, but I want to confidently tell all my friends I have the best big sis in the world. Even when you don't speak to me or hang out with me much, you still help me out when I pester you long enough. It made you sad so I stopped bothering you, but I always admired you and how smart and beautiful you are! " (Se Li)
I gave a crooked smile, a hit of inspiration coming to mind.
" On one condition. "