"Whisper of a crushed heart" by Chris Yellow
Oh, whisper of a crushed heart!
That weeping of hidden tears...
That numbing of bleeding ears...
That deafening silent scream.
When the eyes lose their light,
piercing unfocused this realm.
When the hands tremble uneven,
craving even the power of rage.
Wobbling legs deliver reticent
in a mechanical movement
that hides the vacuum inside.
Shattered scattered valves,
ashes of a driving flame,
spirit souvenirs of this frame.
After a self-discovery a certain inner peace is obtained. Although the problems are not solved, knowing them is a step closer to it. And being aware of ones problems allows the subconsciousness to aim at solving rather than disclosing them. In other words, I was able to focus on my classes despite those two fixating vague eyes, my days were calmer and eventless. Though I was never one to not dream, my dreams were now varied and some even restful.
I was having some trouble however, conciliating my desire to be a responsible independent woman, who expects a strong effort from the interested male, and the sweet desire to fall in love. Also a part of me knew that I should be more concerned about learning and letting life flow, until I would find the one I had no doubts about. The truth is that it is hard to focus on your classes, when laughing right by your side is the person you dream of half the time. He missed some desired qualities, in exchange for some less noble ones I learned to find endearing, nevertheless he was the object of my childish fantasies. It wasn't love, nor had it what it takes, but addressing all my romantic feelings towards an existent and unprovable, but receptive, interesting man sure made my life simpler. And I wasn't in the position to dismiss any simplicity available. Sure, he was goofy and full of himself and enjoyed too many sexual analogies, but he was also nice and kind and caring and lacked the self-esteem to compensate.
In life one has to fight exhaustingly in so many directions that one should choose their battles in order to focus strength and actually win some. If feeling childishly and pleasantly vulnerable, because a touch could start the weirdest reaction inside my skin, at his side my dreams were sweeter and my days interesting. If I could find in him the will to come to this forsaken place, learn all I had to and at the speed required and still keep my mind intact. Then who was to say I am wrong and he wasn't the one sane thing in my life and I shouldn't cherish it with all my heart. I knew just how to be, as I was many times before. Just as Sonya -maybe another cause for our friendship or even a consequence of it- we were prompt to promote any relationship the other could foresee, after an immense amount of training, we had the ability to love without showing with the price of not showing. I could safely feel the world in fireworks and keep my trembling knees steady just long enough to pretend nothing happened. My gentle crush would not be the reason he would gain interest in me, nor would I be easier to convince for that reason. Actually, since we fancy hard, we are compelled to develop a high melting temperature. Considering the softness of the core, our body would mimic distant interest for the object of our affection up until the moment when, we were convinced that he was engaged enough to understand it in our subtle lines and was reacting accordingly with a high emotional investment.
Any way, I wasn't going to fall in love. He was nothing of what I needed or wanted for myself, he even had his heart clearly full with baggage. On the other hand, he was irresponsible and free and I needed and wanted some of that. So all and all he was a healthy dream and a good friend who was always interested in making me laugh, without the danger of considering anything with me which kept our relationship perfect.
There was a day though, when he silent during the whole classes. His eyes were heavy and his breath uneasy. He tried laughing and joking, but his spirit was clearly else where mourning. I let it be, pretended I couldn't see. There was no point in bursting the bubble during classes and he probably needed to forget, what ever it was. After classes, however...
-``Come with me, will you?''
-``HOH, where are you taking me.'' - He insisted curiously as he followed me to the college forest. My hand pulling his grew his lips corners hurt but suggestive. I wanted a little privacy so I could attack.
-``OK.'' - I sat on a tree trunk and faced him without a flinch. - `` What is it?''
-``What?'' - And he tried to, but it was a painful smile that he drew. His eyes that were always the first to light were hardly taking any part in it.
-``Please, don't insult me. I am perfectly aware that something is bothering you. Your whole body is crying out. If you prefer we can just hang together and we don't need to talk about it. But don't pretend nothing is wrong, and even if you don't talk to me... please... please talk to someone, it will make you feel better.''
-``You think you know me well, do you?'' - he teased uneasily.
-``Oh, please I could tell something was wrong just chatting with you online. I didn't need to see your sad eyes.''
-``OK! OK! You're right, you've got me. You actually do know me pretty well don't you?'' - somehow, knowing that I payed some attention to him made his expression soften, as though I lifted some of his pain.
-``My girlfriend... She left me and we were together for quite a while. You wouldn't know, but I am already part of her family and she of mine. We have been living together in her apartment. But then she met someone and it was all lost.'' - His words were calm and scrambled and lost but worst of all they were distant. As if his hurt would remain guarded deeper by mentioning it mater-of-factly.
-``I am sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do. Did you see it coming, have your feelings changed since you got together?'' - It was a shock that he was taken. We always kept our conversations so impersonal. It was painful as hell knowing he was this way over another woman, but it hurt me much more to know there was nothing I could really do. I tried my best to keep calm and act natural.
-``Well. That is life, and I hope the bitch has a good time with him. He was my friend too. Guess you are never immune to life's irony.'' - He was smiling, his eyes were smiling too, but it was an aching smile, grown on mischief and sorrow. I wasn't able to meet his eyes anymore, not to hold them tight as I wanted for so long. I could only try and check from time to time, how they glowed under the dim light, before mine would catch fire and take cover in salt water. I could mostly gaze at the trees along the horizon. The shadows danced silently softening the moment. We enjoyed the silence like only two friends can.
-``I did, I could tell she was further and further away, but I didn't do a thing to prevent it. And what about you? You ever been dumped?''
-``No. I would have to have someone on my tail first.'' - I answered with the best smile I could draw, when my heart was tighter than a bear hug.
-``I guess you don't know then.'' - And at that my smile was gone.
-``No. But aren't you always saying that you want to feel life to all its extent? Then isn't this one of the strongest feelings you can have? And the one you shared with her before?'' - I had to control my voice so he wouldn't notice how apparently saying ``her'' was uneasy to me. I envied them both for having had what I could only dream and wait and hope for.
-``Yes, I guess you're right.''
-``Besides, you know what love is. She must have loved you to put up with you for so long.'' - I smiled carelessly while fearing the result of my pathetic attempt.
He guffawed. -``Oh, you, you.'' - And his eyes were lighter but sad, while he sat by my side and pulled his arm around me and squeezing me like a doll. - `` Only you could try to turn this into something positive. I am not thinking this is the end of the world, I have been here too many times before. It just hurts when it finally happens.'' - His voice was deep and velvety as an aged wine.
I released the embrace, shaking my shoulders softly, though I craved still more for his touch than before he opened up I knew this was not the type of embrace that would quench my thirst. -``Well, was she beautiful? Was she with you in the deepest way?''
-``Of course she was, both. And she moved nicely too.'' - his eyes weren't sorrow now, just greedy and nostalgic.
-``That's not what I was asking. I meant if she knew you better than you know yourself, if she could easily make you smile? If she could get under your skin without trying?''
He stopped for a while and gaped at me, as if surprised but soon collected his answer. -``She could, she just had to jump on me and growl.'' - He folded one brow and made a crooked meaningful smile.
-``Again not what I meant!'' - But I couldn't help but smile. - ``Will you have to face her often?''
-``No, I guess she will be avoiding me, although it is hard to do so when our friends are the same.''
-``So then find some new ones, just for now. Treat yourself to a spa with nice looking masseurs and have a nice meal in your favorite restaurant. You are alone, enjoy it. In no time you will be with somebody new and won't be able to actually embrace this opportunity to spend some time with yourself. Self-discovery and self-building...and all that'' - I knew pretty well he wasn't rich, but he wasn't poor either. He had more than enough to spend a little on pampering himself and he wouldn't be against the idea.
-``You know what, maybe I will. Do you want to join me?''
-``I think you filter what you hear from me. I said alone! And have a nice date with your mother or your sister.'' - They were quite close and it could help.
-``Ya, you want to tell me you don't want to take me out to dinner?'' - His eyes widened under his gargles, looking at mine with his chin low and his broken smile.
-``Nop! Even if you payed dinner I knew your intentions would never be good and I am no rebound.'' -I worked my best uninterested look and laughed, he joined the chorus that echoed all around us, which made me feel I had helped.
-``OK then,'' - He gave me a fast squeeze under his fragrant arm and stood up. - ``I will see you tomorrow!''
-``Yes, do!'' - He left lighter although with obvious pain.
-``Oh and thanks. You helped.'' - He said stopping but not turning to face me.
I lay my head back to a tree branch and stood there a while gazing at the spot full sky over the tree tops. It was a wonderful sight since there weren't many lights in this area. Somehow that talk left me simultaneously crushed and warm. The idea that all this time he was loving someone and the idea that he is now crying over her was sinking deeper and deeper into my stomach. The fact that he had confided in me, bringing his personal life out of the philosophical relationship we shared warmed and prickled my eyes. I walked through the forest, embracing the banquet of colors and smells it offered, not ready to return to the real world. Also afraid of feeding this illness in my chest. The moon was barely there and very little could be seen under these bushy trees had I had human eyes.