star /stɑː/
a person who is preeminent in a particular field.
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"No way…"
He couldn't believe it. There was no way; no possible way this could have happened. It all felt like one giant sick joke that would leave a bitter taste in his mouth forever— no, an ache in his heart that would turn into a scar, never to be healed.
But what was this agonizing episode?
「What was I…」
Zachary's mind was in a clutter. Suddenly plunging into this state of shock had him feeling lost as if he had just dropped into the scene without having any idea where his left or right was.
He racked his brain, recalled his thoughts, and counted every step he had taken prior to this occurrence.
Just a few days ago, he had started writing his new story, completely scrapping the old one and quickly moving on. He remembered; how fresh his mind was at the time as ideas flooded his head and the words just wrote themselves; how he felt exhilaration with every mere sentence that he finished. It was unprecedented, a completely foreign emotion to him.
Before long, a day before the deadline, he finished it. For once in his life, he had finished a written work by himself in a matter of days. It might have been a short story, but it was something.
It meant progress.
The long-awaited day arrived.
He had accompanied Lauren to the convention that held the writing competition just as promised. They were filled with determination and confidence about their individual work. However, both of them were there for one other reason of more importance. They were meeting their favorite author, Hye-mi Myung.
And so that brought him here, right at this moment.
He was supposed to be meeting Myung, the woman that he strived to be like one day. He wanted to know what this idol, who had remained faceless to him this entire time, looked like. He wanted to know what she was like in the real world and to see what she saw.
One problem lied in his path…
「Where is she?」
Rather than being a matter of where... it was why.
If reality functioned the way it was supposed to, the actual person that was 'Hye-mi Myung,' was standing right in front of him, greeting several fans that came her way like nothing was wrong.
And he knew that; he knew that very well.
Because he stepped into this wide convention hall by himself, fully aware of his surroundings with not a single bizarre noise to be heard, and walked over to the stall Myung was supposed to be at.
She was there... until she wasn't.
There was only noise.
Unspeakable noise clogged his ears in just a few seconds. Myung's entire face was wiped from his sight, or rather, it was sealed by noise; noise enough to form scribbles. It felt as if a child took a photo of her and completely crossed her face out with a black marker. Her words came out in whispers instead of actual spoken words or even incoherent gibberish, and yet her voice was barely audible to be able to distinguish a single thing out of her words.
This was feeling all too familiar to Zachary, reminding him of the world he had lived in before he was pushed into a wishful dream.
「No… no… no…」
When he desired to stop listening to the useless chatter, to everyone and everything that annoyed him, he would shun them all out and throw himself into this world of noise. This was how somber he was in the past.
However, things were different now. They were supposed to be different.
He did not put himself through a whirlpool of self-discovery and desire that past week just so things would remain the same.
「Why now of all times? Just why?」
It made not a single shred of sense. He desired to hear the words of Myung. He wanted to see her. He wanted to listen to her. Not too long ago, he was listening to her talk through the radio, so that desire to listen was within him from even before his meeting with Lauren.
「Oh, Lauren!」
Crawling with shock and desperation, he turned to his left, to look at Lauren.
"It's really a great honor to meet you—"
Her voice was clear. The look of ecstasy on her face was even visible. She was naturally talking with who was supposed to be Myung. Everything seemed fine with her. Her side of the conversation with Myung was audible, while Myung's side was nothing but whispers.
「Why?」
Why could he only hear her voice? He did not know.
"Zach?" Lauren's voice echoed in his ears.
He raised his head quickly and looked at her.
The entirety of the time he was falling down a world of his own creation in his mind, she was swept up with her conversation with Myung. Her enthusiasm totally blinded her from tending to Zachary till it was over. She hadn't the faintest idea what was wrong with him.
She eyed him a puzzled gaze, before turning her eyes to the right, and gesturing for him to look at his right.
He turned… then, he realized… it was his turn to talk.
Myung was looking at him... or at least seemed to be. Even with that, it didn't change the fact that he could not see nor hear her. She was simply noise manifested into reality in front of him.
She talked… but only whispers were heard.
"(I can't…)" He tried his damndest to mouth something.
But the world around him was thrust into an endless spin.
His breathing became ragged. He felt a sense of nausea swelling up within him.
"(I…)"
This was supposed to be a moment of rejoicing, a moment that would elevate him to the next step and continue his path. A twisted joke, that was all it had become. It was the will of fate downplaying his effort and desire to a joke as he had thought initially.
And there was nothing he could do.
"..."
Nothing he could do but… scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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After a horrifying scream that nearly terrified everyone in the hall, Zachary stood out in the alleyway to the building. Still quivering from the shock of the incident, he swung his fist into the brick wall. Again and again, he kept on punching the wall and withheld the pain by letting grunts escape his breath until blood seeped out of his knuckles.
"Gh…," he struck again, "GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
He wasn't scared, confused nor sad. His heart was seething with hatred for himself. He was the one that once forced himself into the world of noise, and when he desired to get away, his subconscious worked against him. It was all ultimately him. He was angry, and this was the only way he could vent it out.
"I tried!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, "I tried damn it!!! I was only just a scrawny kid who knew nothing about his well-being. I used to be scared to dream, to want to change. It's scary, you know — to be someone you were not before. But then you gave me the chance to change, you showed me what it was like to see normality, to strive for it… and I worked really hard. I wanted to listen, I wanted to see, I wanted to know what this world really looks like!!!!"
Just outside the alleyway, Lauren stood watching him with a look of sympathy on her woeful face.
She listened to his weary and sorrowful voice as he spoke out his thoughts. Despite finally getting the chance to visit the event she waited for so long, she left it for him. If there was anything else she desired more than her goal, it was to help and be there for her friends, especially this friend in particular.
There was a great distance between him and her. Each time she would take a step to approach him, he would punch the wall and she would back up out of instinctive fear. She wanted to help him, but his behavior was too erratic and dangerous for her safety.
"But even after everything!!!" He yelled and slammed his fist into the wall one last time, "After seeing, learning, and writing — over and over. Nothing's changed… I still couldn't listen…" His throat had grown sore from the constant yelling and his voice became tired that he was barely able to utter the last sentence.
Fed up with her inability to move, Lauren jumped off her feet and caught his fist before it hit the wall again. Her eyes lit with the life of sorrow, she gazed at him for as long as she could.
"That's enough…," she said, "You'll break your hand. Please, stop."
Her voice, which was snuffed out from the bright affability it always possessed, still sounded soothing enough to calm his mind. No matter what happened, her voice would somehow manage to find a way to pull him back to reality.
Regaining some of his composure, he loosened his grip, but Lauren still wouldn't let go of his hand. She still held it with all her might.
This girl, whom he had just met a week ago, and who knew nothing about what was troubling him at this moment, still came to his aid. To anyone who witnessed his behavior, they would have immediately perceived him as insane. But for her, it was natural to hold onto him.
"(I couldn't hear her…)"
In spite of his broken voice, she was able to listen to him this time. She was still puzzled about what his words meant. All she knew and believed was that he was scared and suffering. She saw how frightened he was the moment he met Myung. Something else was obviously going on that she lacked the context for, but she needn't pry. There was no need for her to know what was going on to realize that he was wrecked with grief.
Zachary wanted to appreciate her support and thoughtfulness, but…
「It's over.」
He did not care.
With that thought overtaking him, he crumpled to the ground and leaned by the wall. Lauren still held onto his hand, she tried her best to understand his situation to help him. But he didn't care for that anymore.
Everything he had strived for was reduced to nothing the moment the noise came back. It revealed how stupidly ignorant it was to think he could change. There was no meaning to anything that he did. Nothing had meaning, not even the day he believed he had changed; the day he believed had opened his eyes. It was all—
"It's all for nothing…," he muttered under his breath.
Suddenly, Lauren shouted, "That's not true!"
The tone of her voice bore no warmth. It was loud and seemed to emit a tone of disappointment. Her face told a similar story, she was clearly maddened by his words. Her eyes were filled with resolve.
She looked just determined enough to not give up on him. And there was no getting to him unless she told him what needed to be said.
"Listen," she started, "I don't know what happened back there. I don't know what's wrong with you. But I am not gonna let you crumble in some alleyway and throw everything away!" She kneeled down and faced Zachary directly, "It's not over yet. Just because you stumbled in the road, doesn't mean you can't keep going."
"Lauren, I—"
"I'm not done yet!" She interrupted, "No one reaches their dream from just one go. They keep trying. Chase your dreams. Even if there's an immovable blockade, you'll find a way to break it. You'll get there someday. Besides, you're not alone." She reached for his hands and held both her hands with his in the center between them, to show the significance of their bond, "We made a promise! We are in this together, and we'll help each other, till the end of the road. And nobody is gonna stop us. Not Myung. Not anyone. We're working for ourselves, for our dreams. You ruined your chance with the meeting, so what? It doesn't devalue the worth of your goals. So you better get up and move if you still want to see that bright-colored world."
Zachary grit his teeth.
「She's right…」
It wasn't over.
While the incident with Myung had left a bitter taste in his mouth, there was still the matter of his own work and dream. Myung and his story in the competition were completely separate things. She wasn't going to be the one that would grant his dream for him. There wasn't anyone who would do such a thing besides him. He had to continue toward granting his own dream — sulking around wasn't going to do anything.
Lauren's words had somehow dragged him out of the pit he had recklessly thrown himself into, yet it wasn't all that surprising. In fact, he felt comfortable knowing that she could really help him in his time of need.
He tilted his head upwards, looking directly at Lauren.
She still looked mad, but her expression seemed to have softened a little, making it almost look endearing.
"You know…," he said, "You really suck at giving a motivational speech."
"W-Whaa…?! I-I wasn't trying to—" She backed away and turned her face in the other direction, hiding her expression from his view. But she could not hide her ears, which were burning with embarrassment.
「She's… blushing?! Certainly did not expect that from her.」
"It is… a joke!" He tried to correct what his poor sense of humor had caused.
"Well, whatever, it's my fault for trying to help you." She spoke in a condescending tone, with her face still in the other direction.
Her behavior seemed rather different from what Zachary usually saw. He wondered if this was simply what it would feel like to get closer to someone and know them better. Their relationship was certainly different than when they first met, and it had changed in such a short time.
A faint smile formed on Zachary's face.
「Is this what it's like to have a friend?」
He rose to his feet and maintained his eyes on her.
Each new meeting with her contained a new experience, and although this seemed like a somber one, it seemed to be ending on a happier note. Having a friend like her with her support was enough to ease all the troubles in his mind. Perhaps this was the reason he had been more open and forward with things now.
Lauren turned the corner of her eye to his direction, and that was when she noticed his warm gaze. In that instant, her face reddened. She turned her head to his direction with an annoyed expression. "Wh-What…?"
After putting his thoughts aside, he widened his eyes in surprise when he realized how long he had been gazing at her.
"Um, nothing!"
Quick on changing the subject, she pointed at his hand, "So… with our submission process being done with, we… should probably get your hand treated."
"Are you sure about that?" He was concerned. "Myung's still in there," and it almost seemed cynical how the person he desired to see the most had suddenly become the person he desired to avoid the most.
"It's fineeee!" She waved her hand casually with a smile on her face. She was slowly returning to her usual demeanor, "I've already talked with her a bit, and that's enough for me. Plus, I don't wanna force you in there after what happened."
"Just go in without me. I don't want to keep you away from—"
"I said it's fine, you're the priority now."
"But you've been waiting for this day."
"And I got what I wanted out of it. Now move it, Shepherd-Boy, your hand's not gonna fix itself."
"I don't even think it's that bad."
"Zach…" She eyed him a serious look.
He took a look at his hand. The blood on his knuckles had somewhat dried off but it looked incredibly bruised. It needed a bit of medical attention. Looking at the wall to see blood smudged over it surprising to him. He never imagined he had so much power in him to keep punching the wall. Wrath was terrifying.
"Oh, don't tell me you wanna get back in there?" Lauren noticed his long stare.
「Gah, I'm getting distracted.」
He shook his head to freshen himself up.
"No, let's go... I've had my fill of anomalies for today."