Jake stared at me from across the table which made me self conscious of what I was doing.
"Is the food good?"
He slurped his noodles as he made a perfect sign. But his eyes didn't falter.
"Don't look at me like that," I sighed and pushed the plate away.
"I didn't realize you don't like pasta. "
I shook my head. "It's not like that. I am not hungry, that's all."
"Since that man came, what did you say was his name?"
"Sebastian."
He spun the fork to tangle his noodle around it. "Yes! Sebastian. Since Sebastian came you are acting all weird. Who is he anyway? An ex boyfriend...or a fuckbuddy?"
I choked on my saliva. "Jake!"
"I am just asking. He got to be someone important. You were both a mess. I am not a kid anymore and I understand what I see."
"I can see that."
He ate silently and waited for my response. I didn't answer right away.
"Something like that," I admitted.
"I knew it," he shrugged. "I just wanted to know. Whenever he comes around, I now know I am not supposed to be here."
I laughed. "That's not what I meant. Sometimes he comes over just to eat my food. Other times he comes to argue with me and then there are few times when we...uh...oh god!"
"Have sex."
My face went red. It was extremely awkward talking about my sex life with my little brother. Not a thing I planned on dealing with.
"It sounds horrible." I scrunched up my nose.
"I don't think it is bad."
"Oh my God! You didn't get anyone pregnant did you?"
He gave me a smile. "Don't kiss and tell."
"It's not a kiss!" I leaned forward feeling a little anxious already.
He burst out laughing. "Your expression was worth it."
I slammed my hand on the table and saw him flinch. When I realized what I was doing and saw his surprised face, I pulled away. He cleared his throat and started eating again.
"Sorry. I got something to do. Answer the phone." I said pointing at it on the wall behind him and started walking to the door. As I held my purse and pushed my feet into my tennis, Jake's voice came through.
"It's Sebastian!"
"Tell him I am not home," I screamed and dramatically slammed the door so he would hear it into the phone.
As I stepped into the elevator my phone started ringing. When I saw Sebastian's name flash into the screen I turned off the phone. He was being annoying and right now I needed proper space.
Since the beginning, we knew we were creating a mess but we tried to force what we promised each other then. When the screams became louder and the after math of our fights ended in sex, we decided it was too toxic to live together. Or at least I tried to convince Sebastian that it wasn't working. Until I discovered him cheating me with Pollen. It was the last straw I'd take.
And I thought we were overcoming that huge patch. He once said that he was truly sorry. Again, I am stupid for believing him. Now I know he was playing me as a fool.
The sky was losing it's color and turning into nothing but pitch black. If it wasn't for the lights in almost every room in the buildings, then there would be no light.
I stepped outside and drew in a deep breath. Now that's what I need. I turned left and started walking toward his building. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and decided to take a cab to the mall instead.
It made me feel awful to leave Jake alone but he was no longer a baby and he easily read me. He made me nervous. Now that he thought as Sebastian as my fuckbuddy, how could I tell him we were actually married, not living together but still sleeping with each other when we needed it? Such a great way to start a new life.
I stared at my finger where my ring was supposed to be and sighed. What did I do to myself?
I shopped mostly for Jake. I got him two pair of jeans, a pair of tennis and a few shirts. I also got him some personal things. For myself I got my materials to make my perfume. As soon as I was done, I started out. Spending Sebastian's money gave me a sense of satisfaction. I was feeling a lot better when I stepped outside. It was darker and cooler.
I hugged myself and waited for a taxi. My happiness didn't last much. A black jeep stopped infront of me and Sebastian rolled down his window.
"It was easy to find you."
"Leave me alone!" I started walking.
He drove slowly near me. He was back to his normal self; a narcisist douchebag.
"It'll rain. Get in. " He voiced. As soon as those words left his lips the sky lightened followed by a loud grumble.
I looked back for a taxi and cursed when nothing came. If it started raining it would be colder and harder to see. " I'll get a taxi."
"Let's not do this, Amanda. I'll take you home."
"I said I am fine. Aren't you satisfied with this afternoon? I am very tired. " When I saw the light of the taxi coming from behind I tried to stop it but because he was following, it was impossible for others to see.
Thick drops started falling. It was so cold my body trembled in goosebumps. It became thicker, heavier and colder. I could barely hear him but I knew he was cursing at me.
"I am fine." I screamed back and waved my hand to another taxi. This time, he saw and stopped. By the time I jumped in, I was drenched and freezing.
"It may not be enough but you can have this," the man said. I had no desire to protest so I smiled and curled myself into the thin baby blanket. It still had baby scent. I gave him the address and after looking back and realizing that it was impossible to see, I buried my nose into the blanket.
When we made it to the direction, I paid and gave back the blanket before heading out. I noticed Sebastian was standing by the door holding an umbrella and waiting for me. He didn't say anything, instead he removed his tux and covered me with it.
"Don't say anything."
I obeyed and guided him inside the building.
"I thought you'd crash. He was driving like a maniac."
"You made it here before us." I pointed out.
I looked up and saw his discontent face. His lips were drawn in a thin line as he closed the umbrella.
"I saw you leave this afternoon."
"You followed me?" I glared at him. We talked about this already.
"I came to drop a dress. It's my father's birthday, incase you forgot. I was parked out there."
He let me walk into the elevator first and pressed the number of my floor. My heart fluttered but I scolded myself to stop. He was a monster dressed as an angel.
"You should have sent Gabe."
"He was doing something else."
"I thought he was my guard."
He gave me a look. "He is still working for me."
"I don't get it. Why come here when you know I wouldn't listen to you?"
He kept silent. I didn't say anything either and decided to keep my mouth shut.
When we stood infront of my door he turned to me. "I don't know."
I stared.
"I don't know why I came. I just thought that maybe I could apologize and explain."
"I don't need an apology, Sebastian. I don't divorce you because the contract is still running. But please know that we aren't dating or anything anymore. You can do as you please and I'll go on with my life. Just don't try to play with me. I am already tired of it." It was a lie, I wasn't tired. I was hurting yet falling in love deeper. It made me furious that I had no control over it.
I pushed the key and opened the door.
"You can have it," he pushed back the tux toward me. Without any other word he turned and walked away. My heart broke further but I needed time. He had been playing with me for so long I can't trust him anymore. I wiped a single tear and closed the door behind.
I cleared my throat. It was so quiet and my heart hurt even more at the thought of solidarity. "Jake!"
"Here!" he said after a moment of silence. I was still untying my shoes when he came to me. There was a pool of water around me feet. "What happened to you?"
"It's raining outside if you hadn't realized."
"Oh! I didn't know. It's quiet in here."
"I got you some things. Take it to the washing room. I'll have a bath then dry it."
"I can do it."
"I will show you this time, okay? "
He took the bag and off he went. His lack of questions was exactly what I needed. I took a short-hot shower. I cried the pain on my chest until the sound of it breaking stopped. I realized I loved Sebastian more than I thought. The things he has done to me is unbelievable yet I cannot stop from loving him.
It was a mistake to trust him with my heart since the beginning of time. Meeting him back in Russia and everything he did for me while I was vulnerable was probably what captivated my attention. Maybe then was the time I fell in love, but because I was trying to focus on my only goal to escape, I didnt realize until recently.
Everything he did was what a human with conscience would do, it was a mistake to fall for him. He was willing to give me a hand but obviously not his heart.
I dressed into my pajamas and strolled out to the washing room to wash the clothing. When it was ready I headed back to the living room where Jake was laying on the sofa with his eyes closed.
He must have heard me get close. He popped one eye open while I studied his handsome face. "Hi."
I gave an awkward smile. "Hey, can I sit?"
He sat properly on one side of the sofa. "What's up?"
"Can we talk?"
When he didn't respond I reached over his hand. While he stared at it for a while, I saw his hesitant expression so I pulled away and smiled sadly.
"Sorry. So I wanted to talk to you about Sebastian."
"That fuckbuddy?"
I scratched the side of my head. "Well about that, let's not call him fuckbuddy okay? I will be out on a dinner with him tomorrow night. Before you ask why, I'll explain."
"I wasn't going to ask anything."
"Well, I will answer anyway. I make perfumes for them. "
"Perfume? I didn't know you know how to do that."
"I learnt about it a few years ago. They think I have a gift for it so I am working for them."
"That's news."
I dabbed my head. "Can I ask something?"
He hummed.
"What did Mike do to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was it like before or worse."
He shrugged.
I saw the pain on his eyes but I had to know how far Mike had gone with him. Even after I left San Fernando, he made sure I suffered in Russia. It was his gift for me. I hoped Jake didn't had to pay for my mistake.
"You can tell me anything, Jake. We are safe here. You can trust me."
He chuckled. "I am sorry sis but trust isn't a thing I have for you."
"I did not leave you on purpose!"
"Then explain. I've been hearing that it's been a misunderstanding but I have given you enough time. I came with you because I saw it as a way out but don't worry, I won't stay long. "
"I am not telling you to move out."
"I am grateful for the help."
"I am very embarrased to talk about it, Jake, please understand."
"And you think I am not embarrased to tell my story? Mike has killed that little boy you left five years ago. He was a monster. He did undespicable things to me! I swear the only thing I wanted to do when I was back at that place he calls home is to kill that mother fucker. "
I reached over when I saw how he trembled in anger. His fists were clenched and the veins on his neck threatened to pop.
"Hey, hey! It's okay. I am here. He can't do anything to you alright?"
He sat frozen there. He was lost in his own train of thoughts. I wish I was able to read him, and the way his face contorted in pain crumbled me over and over. It was all my fault. If I hadn't left that night then none of this would have happened.