I drop Nailah at Miranda's house and head to Salah's apartment.
I ring the doorbell to Salah's apartment.
He opens the door "Welcome"
I nod at his greeting and he asks, "Tough day?"
"Yeah, I need to shower" I leave the room.
After showering and dressing up, I go to the kitchen so I can get some water.
I take a glass cup from the rack and Salah goes at my back without me noticing and asks, "What's wrong?"
"Ahh" I scream because I'm surprised at his appearance.
"So officially you are scared of me?" He asks mocking me.
"I am not" I drink my water.
"Then why is it that anytime I talk to you shirk in fear?"
"I don't" I take another glass of water.
"But that doesn't show, because you almost had a heart attack last time in the park." He mocks me and I groan remembering the day he scared me to death in Westside field park. "But seriously what's wrong? Something is off and you know I'm right."
"I saw my mum at the party-" I tell him, but he interrupts.
"This is all my fault I knew I should have told Miranda not to invite her since you are dealing with stuff now," He says looking downcast.
"No, it's okay. I talked to her and right now I don't know what to do. I mean some weeks ago I was confused about what I wanted to do with my life because being a surgeon is not my thing" I tell him and he raises his eyebrows and I knew what he meant instantly.
When we were younger, I would always tease him and Miranda. I would say that I was the only one among them who was making a difference in this world because I would be saving lives.
"Look it's not like I don't like saving people's lives, I mean when I saved the boy's life today I was happy because I didn't want to lose another patient again. I just don't feel fulfilled with what I do." I tell him answering the look he gave me.
"I thought you always wanted to be a doctor or surgeon. I mean since we were kids down to when we were in college you never questioned that choice, so why question it now? I mean, you seemed so sure." Salah asks.
"I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, I mean I was always told that I would be a surgeon and that stuck to me. I saw how my mum adored doctors and basically anyone in the medical field; I mean we also had a hospital so what other profession was I supposed to go through with. She felt they were the heroes of our world." I breathe and then continue "When my dad died, I thought it would be fair to pay him respects by following his footsteps. Yes, my mum also repeated to me that I should be a doctor but a part of me also wanted to go down that line of the profession because I felt like I owed it to mum. I mean, looking after me and Adanna single-handedly and what better way to repay her than to fulfill her dreams" I tell him
"Then why do you all of a sudden don't want to live that dream now?" Salah asks.
"BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL FULFILLED WITH THIS BORING ROUTINE" I snap and finally I say, "I'm sorry" and he nods.
I continue "On top of all of that, I hear that my dad who is supposed to be dead isn't dead after all and that my mother is a psycho who kills people but the thing is that when I look at her I don't see a killer, I see a woman who just wants me close by, I see a woman who loves her son with every breath." I catch my breath "I was angry and confused because of the things that are happening right now. I tried to avoid her, but she got to me and started asking why I'm ignoring her. I could see it in her eyes that she missed me, I could see it in her eyes that she was worried but I couldn't see it in her eyes that she could want to kill someone or even try to go through with it"
He looks confused "I thought you asked her if she tried to kill him?"
"I asked her, but she didn't answer that question. She only told me that my father wasn't dead, but she didn't admit to staging his death" I answer Salah's question and he lets out a huge sigh. I continue "You know what I want? A do-over. What if there was a time machine? I could go back to maybe; live the life I want to live and not the life I'm living right now-" I get interrupted
Salah interrupts "Are you going crazy?"
"Yes, I am, isn't it obvious?"
"It was a rhetorical question." He tells me annoyed. "Andrew we aren't twelve anymore, even a twelve-year-old would know you can't go back in time to change your past. Haven't you watched time movies? Remember the movie we watched 'The time freak' he went back in time a couple of times, but he still didn't save his relationship. Andrew this is real life you can't just wake up as a seventeen-year-old again because that's all in the past. You can't change the past" Salah tells me.
"There must be a way I can't keep living this infuriating life." I protest.
"What you need my friend, is to get out of this place or country because you are not thinking straight."
"How am I supposed to think straight, I'm going bonkers, do I look like I'm thinking straight to you?"
---
I lie facing the ceiling in Salah's guest room thinking about the conversation I had with him.
Months before I was tired of a stress-filled life and now, I have the stress, everything feels bizarre. Questions go through my head.
Should I just take the life that's handed over to me and pretend that I don't know my Dad and Brent aren't dead? I know I can't act like I don't know that because those two were a big moment of my life.
How do I speak to my Dad?
What do I tell him when I first meet him? I need to think about this carefully because I don't want to make a wrong impression or maybe say something that would drive him away.
I haven't met my dad for eleven years so how will meeting him now change me? I've lived without my dad for years so why can't I go on without him? I mean he hasn't talked to me for years so why should I?
Do I really need to see him? And by him, I mean my brother.
I don't know how to feel about my brother. Should I act like I don't know that he exists? I have so many mixed feelings about him that I don't know what to do, I haven't even told anyone about it. I don't want to be judged.
When Adanna told me about it and I said I would love to meet him she said something between the lines of me always having a happy ending and me being a child.
She still sees me as a child who can't take care of himself, in fact, everyone does. No one believes I can stay on my own or live by myself. I don't blame-
"RRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG" My alarm interrupts my thoughts, but I don't put it off because the sound that always irks me off my bed now became music to my ears.
I always carry my alarm whenever I go around because it was what brought me closer to my dad.
Some children can't sleep without their blanket but I can't sleep without my alarm clock. I don't hug it or anything it just stays close to me.
Yeah. Call me a big baby or mock me but this was one of the few sentimental properties of dad I could get. If I told anyone why the alarm clock was of sentimental value to me, they might think I'm mentally deranged.
Touching the alarm meant touching my dad's hands because that was his alarm clock and he always touched it. He touched it mistakenly maybe when dancing to a song, he touched it when he was annoyed and didn't want to get up from the bed, he touched it when he was happy too.
He touched it with every emotion so that meant I had every piece of him with me.
But I still wanted him physically.
"Are you going to put off the alarm? Because it's making a heck of a noise" Salah walks into the room in his pyjamas.
"I'm sorry" I apologize, turning it off.
"It's a Saturday morning. Mornings like this regular humans wake up earlier than usual because they love waking up early" He tells me and I chuckle at his sarcasm. He continues "What human being sets his alarm clock to six a.m. on a Saturday morning anyway?" He asks sitting on the bed
"I'm sorry, well you can go back to sleep now," I tell him.
"Looks like you don't know the weekend rules" He rolls his eyes.
"The weekend rules?"
"It states that on weekends one is meant to sleep in and it is prohibited to wake the person up and when woken up you can't go back to sleep," Salah tells me in a business-like tone since he is a businessman.
"Why do I feel like you made up those rules?" I smile. I continue "When rules are broken there are penalties right? What's my punishment?"
"Let's just say first-time offenders are pardoned" He still says in a serious tone but later breaks into a silly laugh and I join him.
"Do I act like a child?" I blurt out and he doesn't answer.
I don't mind and continue because this was the reaction that was expected. "I mean everyone looks at me like that; like I can't handle myself. They look at me with pity even my best friend" He tries to protest but I cut him off.
"I saw the way you looked at me last night. You looked at me with disgust. You-" I get interrupted by him.
"Yeah, I did, because you are a child. You know you are not the only one to face problems, right? Others face worse. Yes, what you are going through is bad but your action disgusts me so yes you act like a CHILD" He storms off.