When I walked into my moms' house, I headed straight to the kitchen. She was at the stove and it looked like she was finishing up cooking. I sat at the island and she turned around towards me.
"Hey Hijo, I am finished I just took out the last papas rellenas" she said and returned to what she was doing.
"Ok" I got up and went to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of flavored water.
"Set the table for me Hijo," my mom said with her back still towards me. I got up grabbed the dishes and set the table in the kitchen. The dining room table is usually used for family dining. As I set the dishes, cups, and utensils out mom shared the food into separate serving dishes.
"Ma, what would you like to drink?" I asked on my way to the refrigerator.
"Water is fine Hijo" she replied as she put the serving dishes on the table. I grabbed the water pitcher out of the fridge and went back to sit at the table. My mom sat down and reached for my hand to say the prayer, I held her hand and we both bowed our heads.
"Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with this meal this evening. Bless the hands that made the meal and those receiving the meal. I want to thank you for bringing my Hijo home after so long to be able to enjoy the meal. En el nombré de Jesús amén"
"In Jesus' name, amen" I repeated.
"Dame tu plato," she said reaching her hand towards me and I handed her my plate. She added food to my plate and handed it back before doing the same to her plate. She has always done this since I was little, make sure I eat before she does. I have even watched her when I was a kid not eat at all, and this is why I will always make sure my mother never goes without. She has always put herself last when it comes to taking care of me. This is another reason why I wish that she would move to California so that I can do more for her. I dug into the food on my plate and all I could do is moan it was so good.
"I take it that you like it," she asked with a smile on her face.
"Ma, you know I love your cooking and Joanne is a great cook but it tastes nothing like this. I don't realize until I taste it how much I miss your cooking. It was the same way in college" I continued eating and mentioning college brought memories of Chanae up and what happened today. I still couldn't believe she kept me having a child from me for five years. I have a daughter, a little girl that knows nothing about me and who I know nothing about. All I can think is what does she look like, does she look more like me or Chanae? I want to be mad but I feel like it's a waste of time because it already happened and there is nothing I could do to change things going forward. I am anticipating meeting her and as usual, Chanae gets the say of how this goes down. Ever since we were younger she had to have things her way or no way at all.
"Hijo. Hijo" I heard my name and she shook me out of my thoughts.
"Yes, Ma?" I said focusing on her and leaving the Chanae thoughts in the back of my mind.
"Where did you go? I have been talking to you and you were just spaced out." She asked with concern on her face.
"I just have a lot on my mind" I answered as I ate more of my food.
"¿Tiene algo que ver con el lugar al que fuiste antes?" She asked
"Yes, it has to do with where I went earlier" I answered. I didn't feel like eating anymore so I put my fork down picked up my cup and poured water in it before drinking it. My mom looked at me with her seriously worried look and I knew she was about to go into mama bear mode.
"So. What is going on with you?" She asked still eating her food.
"So earlier the person that was at the door was Chanaé" I answered her. My mom started choking and I grabbed her cup and poured her water before handing her the glass to help with her cough. She drank the water and calmed quite a bit.
"¿A qué vino ella?" She asked.
"She came by so that she could talk to me. So, I went to meet her at the park so that we could talk." I answered sitting back in my seat. I wanted to tell my mom about the baby, well not the baby because she is about to be five years old, but I didn't want to do that before I met her. I feel like she should know that she is a grandmother, but I am conflicted with what she would feel knowing that Chanaé kept this from us for so long.
"After all these years? ¿de que hay que hablar?" She asked putting her cup down and paying me more attention.
"Well I wanted to wait until I had all of the information before you and I talked about it, but I think that you should know. When we broke up all those years ago it just so happens that Chanaé was pregnant. The little girl that you saw with her in the store is the baby she was pregnant with and Chanaé just told me that she is my daughter." I explained to her.
"¿espera a que te refieres con que es tu hija?" She asked raising her voice and slamming her hands on the table as she got up out of her seat.
"Ma, calm down I just found out about her being my daughter," I explained to her as she sat back in her chair.
"So she had a baby and never even told you that she was pregnant?" She looked shocked.
"That seems to be the situation."
"So, the little girl I talked to in the store is my nieta?" She sat up in her chair to focus more on what I was saying.
"Yes. She said that she decided not to tell me when I was in college because she didn't want me to quit football. She told me that I should be glad because look at the career that I have now. She thinks that my career would have ended had she told me due to me wanting to be able to take care of them and make sure that they were okay." The look on my mothers' face said that she thought that what Chanaé did was understandable.
"Well, hijo I can see where she is coming from. Lo siento pero no estoy de acuerdo." She was telling me that she didn't disagree with Chanaé. A choice was made for me without me having a say so.
"I don't see how Chanaé deciding for me not to be in my child's life is okay with you. I would think that you would be more upset with the situation than me." I wasn't happy that my mother thought me not knowing my child was ok.
"I am not saying it is okay, but I understand. Chanaé was young and she had a hard decision to make and she loved you. So she made the decision that she thought was right, you can't fault her for that. I understand your side also. You feel like your decisión was snatched from under you without a choice being given to you." I did not like that my side was being dismissed even if it was by my mother.
"I think Chanaé needs to forget that she thinks that this is for me and move forward with me getting to know my daughter now. I missed out on five years of her life and I don't want to miss out on anymore." I wasn't sure how I felt about being a dad but there was this pull on my heart strings that made me feel happy about a person that shared my DNA and would soon call me daddy.
"Did you tell her that you wanted to be in the babys' life? Wait what is the babys' nombré?" My mom looked like she was excited to know more about the baby.
"Chanaé said that her name is Antoniette." I still could not believe that she named her after me.
"¿Ella la nombró después de ti?" My mother questioned.
"I asked her the same thing. I was surprised that her name was so close to mine. That to me makes it worse for her not telling me." I felt like she gave my daughter who she felt like she didn't want me to know, a piece of me. A part of me wanted to know if this is because she wanted me to be apart of Antoniettes' life without actually being in it. Could this mean that she really did this so that I had a future? What about her future?
"I think you should cut her some slack. I am not happy she kept this from you, but I do know you guys were young and I also know this could not be easy for her. I was a madre soltera, and I know how hard it is. So, did you guys decide if or when you can meet Antoniette?" The excitement on my mom's face was a little scary it was like she wanted to be the one to meet her.
"We talked about it and at first she was hesitant because she wanted to understand that since I live in California what sense did it make to introduce her to me. I told her that didn't make a difference, I still want to get to know my daughter. She agreed for us to meet but she isn't going to tell her about me being her dad." That I still didn't understand but I was not going to argue, I had to accept what I was being given. Chanaé will change her mind about wanting Antoniette knowing me as her dad because I was going to be the best dad she would ever know.
"Bueno, eso es un comienzo." That was a start but I want to know my daughter and I want her to know me.
"I am going to start with that and try to get Chanaé to agree to let me see her more and even tell her that I am her father."