Welcome back home.
That is what I was expecting. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Has Sakura relocated? Has she moved away from here? Could she not face me anymore? Were the previous exchange and circumstances a bit too much for her to handle? Had that caused a mental strain on her? Whatever the case, the hallway was empty. Had I missed her greeting that much? Bootless.
All of that was bootless.
Perhaps I seemed to have been irked by the sudden provocation I had with him. It was a surprise that he showed up out of nowhere. But now that he had given some viable information, it was for the better. Plus, for the first time, I was able to see a side that no one else had even imagined. Perhaps I am getting too ahead of myself.
Anyway, I walked down the same gloomy hallway I was used to for all these years. I was hopeful that I would see this place in a different way the moment I returned from that vacation but sadly, that isn't the case.
Tossed in. Dipped in. Bathed up. Walked out.
Just the usual stuff. Trivial and autonomous that I didn't even care to notice. Slowly but surely, I was back to my usual self. But that begged the question, which had shown its presence time and time again, did I even have a self? I know it's a fruitless thought that I have stumbled upon time and time again, and yet, I find myself hovering over the same question.
I mean, if you have known me, at moments, I craved for human connection, sometimes even the warmth that is felt by the contact of the naked skin, or sometimes, just being embraced. And at times, I despise it and want to stay alone, as a misanthrope does. This pendulum motion has always put me in a lot of hot waters and I have always found myself scarred.
Did I learn anything? Yes. What is it?
Relationships and humans both shall break apart over time, rust away, and fade into nothingness. There was no stopping it. I had taught myself that. But over and over again, I felt that I was the one in the wrong, and only I made such an unavailing conclusion. But over time, I have understood that I wasn't wrong and that I just lacked confidence. Confidence to even accept my own approach.
No, this has always been the case. Ever since a kid, even if I was the smartest in the room, or was just at remembering important details like a database does, the human empath in me always questioned its reliability and questioned my legitimacy about those facts.
Once you've slipped, it's very hard to not remain conscious of your mistakes. Just like with Jon Terry's missed during the penalty shootout in the Champions League final against English rivals Manchester United and Lewis Hamilton's costly mistakes while pitting in the Chinese Grand Prix in 2007 which cost him the world champion on his debut season as a rookie, which by far has been hailed as one of the best rookie seasons till date, and I doubt that shall change in times to come.
Even if, in the times to come by, they change their fortunes and leave behind a legacy many can only dream and a few changes realistically live that, still that doesn't mean that they still hold the fear deep within the head as they are always cautious to not repeat what had happened.
I won't outright go and claim that they still think of it sometimes but what I mean is, we are humans and as long as we have emotion, we have regrets. And when we have regrets, unknowingly, we shall always revert back to them without our own will and relive them. And then we shall find fear. It's only then, what you do defines you.
That is why they are always remembered. Be it John Terry or Lewis Hamilton. Because they have been able to relive that moment every day till the point where they have gladly accepted their own fault, and later reprime themselves again, and dared to make the leap.
And that is why I am Naofumi Nifuji, the unknown anomaly. Because of the fact that I'm afraid to make mistakes, and garner attention. It's not that I'm worried about meeting with the gazes from unknown sources but it's the fact that I shall forever be remembered as the guy who did that and what-not, forced to carry around a title and having to expend energy and heed attention to it and not learn from my mistakes and garner confidence.
I ain't Sebastian Vettel that I can outright dominate my opponents and show them what I'm capable of. I just ain't that self-confident about myself. I ought to work on it. But one step at a time.
I dressed up myself and sanitized my non-washable goods. It was late, and I was craving for dinner now. I had brunch outside and deposited my remaining leftovers in the bank as well as updated my passbook. It was quite the ordeal but nevertheless, I handled them effortlessly. I got out of my room when the hallway on my floor lit for a moment.
I turned around and noticed Sakura. She was walking with small, faint steps until she noticed me, but then moved past me for a moment until she stopped near the stairway.
I didn't expect a greeting, since I knew her. But she had uttered something quite outrageous...
"Yukiko had been dumped and her relationship had been cut off with the Student Council President. She had been harassed quite a lot, as now she didn't have the power she once had, and ultimately, she's admitted and taken care of in the hospital. Meanwhile, things aren't sailing so smoothly for Miku-chan either. The fact that she's your make-believe girlfriend has taken a huge toll on her as you lost so badly in front of the whole school, that's it's turned out a living hell for her."
She didn't stop.
"Now she's a slave and not just any slave, but a slave of that bastard President. I can hear her cries every day. But still, she goes on with it. And on my end, I'm just a whore who has to sleep with any guy I've told to every day, in order to prevent any further actions towards Yukiko or Miku-chan. I have even given my consent, should I be impregnated, I would accept that man as my lawful husband, that is, if he's interested or shall bear the child and live out as a single mother, and right now, everyone is desperately trying it out."
She finally took a deep sigh and turned towards me with a smile.
"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"