"Things happen, you only know what you choose to."
✨1✨
It all started when I got admitted into the polytechnic. Even you can testify to how happy I was... Except if you don't want to of course. I made friends and a sister... Habibah, My closet friend. You must know her, she's come over a few times before. It was her who taught me lots of things. She'd take me to crossover parties, we'd go visit her boyfriends... And stuffs like that.
At first, I wasn't comfortable and will always tell her to take me back home because I didn't like it. But you know, we are all humans and bound to get influenced. With time, it no longer bothered me, we'd stay around at her boyfriend's house till maybe after two in the morning before coming back home and I couldn't find it myself to complain at those times. Her relationships were so beautiful and full of love... I craved for one of my own. I craved for a guy who would love me so much, I will start finding him too clingy.
I wanted a guy who would look deep into my eyes and utter those three beautiful words... A guy who would tell me he loves me and would mean it with all of his heart. And I found him... I found an epitome of love... Lee Ashton.
We met during one of the crossover parties we had attended one Saturday night. He met me seated in a corner, bored and sulking to myself. He offered me a drink which I declined and he asked to sit with me, asking if I don't mind him sitting beside me. We talked for hours unending and I realized he was a gentleman, cool and had a great sense of humor.
I also found out he was in my department, how had I not noticed him before? We became really close friends within the next year and spent lots of time with each other. I learnt a lot about him and he also did me. With time, I fell in love with him. I was afraid he wouldn't reciprocate so I tried my best to not be obvious and about four months ago... He asked me out! How could I have said no to him?
We went out together, partied together and did a whole lot of fun activities. Then three weeks ago, he told me they were moving to another state. I was devastated, sad and heartbroken. I asked him what would happen to us and he said we could still be together but it'd just be a long distance relationship. I wasn't happy with the thought of a long distance relationship, I asked Habibah and she told me there was no way that was happening. She said long distance relationships don't work, I told him the same thing and he said there was nothing else to do except I was ready to elope with him... That was when we had our first fight, how can he the only one who gets thto choose for us?
I came home wasted that day and dad said all sorts of things to me... Things I can't remember because I was really drunk, that was how I started drinking. It helped me run away from my problems and hide in a world of oblivion so why not? I became very sad, even when Lee apologized I wasn't ready to listen to him. The pressure from home became too much I just wanted to run away, I wanted to go far away from everything and just be on my own... With my sorrows.
Lee came to beg me one more time, telling me he had two days left before he would leave the city. I cried so much that day, I didn't even know when I slept off. I woke in his arms and bursted into fresh tears. It was then I knew I couldn't let him go... I couldn't lose him. I took up his offer, his offer to follow him out of the city. I would be with him and also be able to run away from my problems... Killing two birds with one stone. He didn't agree at first but I was so adamant, he had no choice but to agree.
I know Mom and Dad would hate me but I don't care, their home is no longer the home for me. They are no longer the way they used to be. I know they loathe me so much right now, they might even be wishing I kill myself soon. I know I'm doing myself a favour, but it would be doing them a favour too. I doubt you reading this letter would even care, but I really hope you still do. I really hope you don't hate me too much right now.
I really hope you understand that it's my happiness I'm going in search for. I believe your happiness is with your parents... But mine is not, mine with someone else... With Lee... I always feel choked up and uncomfortable at home. I always feel so lost and out of place... In my own home. I always feel so unwanted, like a trash waiting to be thrown away. And I've made up my mind to not be that trash anymore, I would be a recycled good... but not for my parents.
Call me irrational, stupid... Call me whatever, I wouldn't care. It's just... you never know how hard it is until it happens to you. Remember how I used to laugh at Semirah who ran away with her boyfriend? I no longer blame her... I can no longer laugh at her because I know just how she felt when she did what she did. I just really hope I'm doing the right thing...
I'm supposed to ask you to say my regards... But they probably wouldn't want to hear it, so no.
Much love
Barakah.
A lone tear rolled down Ayah's cheek when she finished reading the letter, a tear of pain. Hurriedly wiping it, she silently prayed Yasmin wouldn't notice. "You don't have to be ashamed of feeling sorry for her... I do too." Said Yasmin, sighing sadly. She apparently, had noticed Ayah crying. She pulled Ayah's sobbing body close to herself with one hand and dropped the letter on the table with the other. Wrapping the other hand around her friend, she rocked her silently. "I miss her so much." Ayah sobbed, her body raking from the violent sobs that left her mouth. Tears pooled around her eyes, pouring down her cheeks from her closed eyes. "I know." Yasmin cooed, drawing soothing circles along her friend's back.
Ayah could recall their memories together, their smiling faces as they played in the rain, their flushed faces whenever they were caught doing what their parents asked them not to, their hands intertwined while they skipped to school early in the morning... All these fueled Ayah's tears as she cried nonstop on her friend's shoulder, not caring that she was probably soaking Yasmin's cloth.Yasmin also didn't seem to mind. She patted Ayah's back lovingly all through, whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
Ayah finally stopped crying after what seemed like forever, wiping her face with the hem of her shirt while she leaned out of Yasmin's embrace. "I'm sorry." She croaked out of her dry throat. It felt like she had used up all the water in her and was slowly getting dehydrated. Ignoring her apology, Yasmin gave a straight answer. "You are okay." She reassured with a nod, waiting for her to totally get herself back.
Though the waterworks had stopped, Ayah could still feel her heart tighten inside of her, the letter had made her realize just how much she missed her sister. She could still remember those days as though it was yesterday, her sister calling her out early in the morning so they could go play hide and seek in the veranda. Ayah smiled at the distant memory, a new set of tears threatening to unveil themselves. She blinked back the tears with a grimace, her hand slowly trailing up to her chest, where her heart was supposed to be.
She dried the little tears that had managed to escape yet gain, clearing her throat to gain Yasmin's attention. "What next?" Asked Ayah, her voice coming out as a croak.
"I vote we go tell your mom?"
"Bingo."
✨2✨
"What might this be about?" Zainab asked in a nonchalant tone, eying the two girls that - she guessed - were probably playing a prank on her. "Just read it first ma." Ayah sighed, scratching her head in pure exasperation. She was in no mood for any talk at the moment, just wanted to sleep and wake up to a peaceful family the next morning.
Ayah, Yasmin and Zainab were in the family's sitting room downstairs. Ayah was sat right beside her mom on a two cushioned chair while Yasmin sat on a one-seater couch opposite them both. The chairs downstairs were totally different from the one upstairs. While the chairs upstairs were fur-like, the ones downstairs were made of leather. A deep brown colour.
"I'm not doing that. Don't waste my time, I have things doing." She flailed the letter in the air, a warning lying underneath her tone. Ayah knew all too well what that tone meant and didn't argue further. She snatched the letter out of her mom's grip, a little too harsh for a daughter but she didn't mind, Zainab didn't too.
"Dear Ayah, By the time you are reading this, I must have been long gone. I don't know how long it'll take you to find this, but hopefully before your hatred for m-" Zainab hurriedly snatched the letter back from Ayah, scanning the letter very fast. She had made a wild guess that it would be Barakah writing while Ayah read the letter, the handwriting had just proved her right.
Ayah watched her mom's face as she read the letter. Her eyebrows were furrowed together, they were so high up on her forehead, Ayah could see them falling off in the nearest future. Zainab's expression didn't change all through the while, her eyebrows only kept going further up her skull.
"How d-"
"I have no idea." Ayah cut in, already knowing what her mom was meaning to say; "How did this happen?". Zainab let out a tired sigh, rubbing her temples with a grimace, probably thinking of what to put Barakah up for; A bad daughter or a desperate - and annoying - one. "Oh God!" Zainab exclaimed, her hands flying up to her head.
She maintained a distant facial expression, her eyes full of malice and hatred as she stared off space to nothing particular. Her hands on her head danced about, dangling off her head. She held her lower lip between her teeth, biting on it hard as she swam deeper into her thought. Have I really failed as a mother to my children? - the question that squirmed about in her brain, looking for the perfect answer in her hazy head - no good place for an healthy person.
Two drops of tears rolled down her face, one from each eye. Ayah watched her mom's restless figure, bouncing up and down the chair in a distressed state. Zainab's eyes searched around the sitting room, looking for nothing in particular. Her eyes stopped when they landed on Ayah who sat beside her, she was watching her every steps carefully in case she had to flee, she'd do so effortlessly. Her hands slowly dropped from her head, landing on her thighs with an helpless thud - she was tired. Ayah could see the emotional exhaustion in her mom's eyes leading her to pull her into a hug.
Zainab slipped into Ayah's arms efortlessly and sighed, not fighting the tears anymore, she allowed them flow freely into her daughter's cloth. Ayah patted her mom's back lovingly, she didn't bother telling her any soothing words. She knew nothing was okay and nothing will get better except with time, and lots of it, before changes will begin. She allowed her mom cry into her shoulder without any words, just soft taps and occasionally pecking her head.
Zainab finally stopped crying in few minutes time, just letting herself rest on Ayah's shoulder and not attempting to pull out. "What time is it?" She asked with a yawn when she finally pulled out of Ayah's brace. "It should be some minutes past eight." Ayah shrugged, stretching her arms. She didn't bother checking the time, relying solely on her instincts. Zainab dried out the last drops of tears from her tired and probably swollen eyes, whispering a hiss when she tapped roughly on the sensitive skin. "Sorry." Ayah grimaced, narrowing her eyes as though the sensitive skin was hers.
Zainab nodded a thanks, going back to rubbing her inco-operative eyes. Ayah turned her attention to the centre of the room, immediately spotting her bland friend. She moved to sit beside her, jerking her friend back to reality. "Hey." Yasmin greeted awkwardly. "Hi, I totally forgot you were here." Ayah confessed, touching the top of her fingers with her cheeks in a cute manner. Yasmin smiled at the act, inwardly wondering how the girl could still manage to brighten up after having brawled out her eyes less than an hour ago.
"I should get going." She announced, watching the time, thinking her mom would probably be awaiting her arrival. "Yup, you have to. Let me see you out." Ayah offered, her gaze also turning to the silver wall clock ticking away above their plasma television. Ayah motioned towards the door, rising silently after her friend and they both headed out.
They both stopped walking when they got to the main gate leading into the street. Ayah opened the door carefully, allowing Yasmin slip out while she stayed within the confinement of the house. The street out was dark and empty, the distant street light helping light up the road a bit. Standing awkwardly and staring at each other, none said a word. Should they talk about what just happened? Or just say their straight byes?
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Ayah smiled, choosing the second option. "Def. I'll be in school." Yasmin shrugged. She pulled Ayah in for a quick hug and waved, disappearing out into the darkness of the street. Ayah watched her retreating figure till saw her turn on the flashlight of her phone and smiled, she waited till she was out of sight before going in herself. She shut the door behind her and jogged into the house, passing through their small compound.
The compound wasn't as big as Ayah has hoped it would be when she grew up. She had lived basically all of her life in the duplex, but the compound only seemed to grow smaller. The front yard was just big enough to house about five cars and contain a hundred people. Three cars were packed away under a canopy on a side of the fence, the gate man's house was on a corner beside the gate. The rest of the compound leading up the porch were fixed im interlock tiles. A cream coloured fence protected the house from the outside, a black gate sitting right out.
She waved at Saliu, their gate man who hurriedly waved back with a smile. Saliu was a loner who never really got out of his room. Except to open and close the gate whenever they had visitors or the inhabitants of the house themselves. The short skinny man always appreciated any kind gesture shown to him by the family, they had always treated him like family. He had been found on the street by Yahya, not handicapped or retarded in anyway, but rather, begging as a source of livelihood. After handing him a large bundle of cash, Yahya had offered him work at his house on that Saturday afternoon.
The hot sun complimented the wide smile that graced the beggar's face, his eyes clouding with tears at the huge kindness shown to him by a stranger. Saliu didn't care that he might be smelling like trash at that moment and would probably stain the man's cloth, he pulled Yahya in for a big hug to express his gratitude. Half expecting Yahya to shout at him and probably withdraw his offer, he released his grip on him, muttering series of apologies to his angel in disguise. Yahya only smiled in return, wiped Saliu's tears and helped into his 4matic baby Jeep. Saliu cried all through the way home, not seizing to thank Yahya every two minutes. Though he was being paid every month and given a chance to leave whenever he wanted to, he knew he wouldn't leave them, not until they no longer need his service. He was given shelter and a home by this loving family, how could he not be grateful to them?
"I wonder when your dad would be back today." Said Zainab the moment she spotted Ayah entering the sitting room. "He shouldn't be too long, he should only be waiting for Isha." Ayah replied. She planted herself beside her mom, picking up the note from the floor. She stuffed it into her jean pocket, eying her mom who's gaze was locked with the letter. "What would your dad say?" She muttered absentmindedly. Ayah needed no translator to tell that her mom was referring to the letter which was now stored away safely in her pocket.
Zainab felt nauseated at the thought of her husband's reaction, will he blame her too? She knew all the happenings were partially her fault and she was fully ready to bear the consequences. But to what extent though? He was also at fault in this, afterall the daughter belonged to them both and they had equally trained her together. Ayah could see the self blame rooting beneath her mom's worried posture, the series of emotions swirling in her tired eyes. "He would see that it's not your fault... Never was." Ayah commented with the raise of an eyebrow, passing out the point that she was stating an obvious fact. Zainab nodded in relief, happy that Ayah at least, didn't blame her even though deep down, the doubt was still very much present.