Kianna walked stiffly to the School Cafeteria. She felt a bag of nerves inside her. Her heart and hope were craving for a little truth. She walked throught the school way and headed to the cafeteria. She went to the dining hall and found a woman in her late twenties, slender and dressed up with a black cardigan. She was perfectly dressed up. In the comfortable interior of the cafe, Kianna was greeted with a sweet smile.
Juna Young ordered ham sandwich and two black coffee. Undoubtedly, Kianna's emotion had gotten better after seeing her. They've never seen each others for two years, years of investigation is long enough to find any information.
"How have you been?" She asked her. She was sweet and adorable since then. She had taken a sip of her black coffee and taken her first bite of her ham sandwich.
"I'm so sorry I was late for a minute" she muttered and gave her a shaky smile.
"Don't worry, beside I am really happy to see you." Kianna stared at her with those brown eyes as she pulled on her coffee and took a sip. Is she ready to find a little about herself?
Juna handed her the brown envelope. A vein in her head began to throb. Her hands slowly reached for the brown envelope and glanced at it for a minute. She inhaled deeply and opened the envelope. "I got the chance to take a look with some evidences regarding your case. Ten years ago, an accident happened."Juna took a deep sigh. "The police thinks its suicide."
"Suicide?" She thought deeply. Her expressioned changed grasping the information she just heard. Juna's eyes narrowed. She reached for her hand to comfort her, but she felt she couldn't bear to be touched.
"It's better to take a look at the documents after our talk, I think it would be better for you" How could she a bear all the information she just heard? She was shocked. Her hands were trembling and the tears in her eyes were falling. She can't understand how she felt but hearing the word suicidal, she just can't hold it. She sank into a deep armchair dozzed off a little bit.
Why her parents didn't tell her? Why they hid all of this?
"It would be better if you have to keep this information hidden first. Were still in the verge of investigation and finding more evidences." Juna reached for her hand and caressed it for a moment. Nodding her head, she must have cried for three minutes, as the tears had started to overflow she wiped it using her barehands.
"Thank you for this information Juna, I'll contact you soon." She braced herself with courage more. Juna nodded at her.
"I'll contact you soon once I'll found anything." There had been a genuine look of empathy in Juna's face as they both parted ways. Though, Kianna wanted to know more, acquiring a little information would be enough for now on, discovering a little piece of herself sufficed her curiousity.
Kianna drove home, her thoughts float inside her head. She never thought of herself as a suicidal victim. In the back of her mind, she firmly believed that if she really did it, there must be a reason. Lost in her thoughts, she pulled her car into the driveway and stop over at the convenience store. She needed a drink. She wanted to cry again, she wanted to shout.
She entered in the convenience store and pulled three beers. She stood for a moment and took a deep sigh. Heading to the counter she thought about it again, this time deeply.
"Excuse me, would you rather pay in cash or card?" Seemingly unaware. This time the cashier repeated it loudly.
"Excuse me, would you pay in cash or card?" She was awaken when someone touched her shoulder from behind.
"Uhh, I'm so sorry. You may used my card" she handed it to the cashier. She smiled at her.
"Thank you so much." She said while carrying a plastic bag of beers. She shrugged for a moment when she stepped back and noticed she bumped into someone's chest. She watched the shirt, it was black. She stepped back for a little from the person she bumped into. Looking down, she heard him say.
"Be attentive next time. Stay focus" His voice was soft.
"I'm really sorry." She said without looking and hurriedly back in her car. She couldn't think straight right now. Wondering, if she didn't forget anything. She drove back, reaching the parking lot, the lit was dim. Kianna jumped from her car. Her shoes squeaked as she walked towards the elevator. She stumbled for a little and closed her eyes upon entering the elevator.
"I'm fine. I'm okay" she said. Silence took over, then a familiar voice disturbed her.
"I think, you left something from the convenience store" She had no idea who was talking to her or whether she's hearing things. It took a moment and slowly by slowly Kiana opened her eyes. She never expected how close their faces were. She gulped and stumbled for a little and her heart sank. She could clearly see his bare face, his pretty eyes, his lips and even his sculptured figure. The atmosphere was way too heavy. She can't stop her self from looking.This was a quite intensity for her. She moved back for a little to release the tension.
"Professor Lee, are you okay?" He said. She stayed still.
"Uhh, Choi Min" she could hardly utter the words straight. Why did he suddenly appear in front of me? Of all time, I still don't have the mood to negotiate about what happened. She thought. She stayed in silence. She's finally alone with the person she violently kicked last night. She'd noticed him staring at her and that was a little unsettling for her. Kianna looked at him, as if she was was about to say something but then seemed to think about it.
"I don't really know why you keep on following me but I don't have much time to discussed it with you tonig-
"You left this in the convenience store" he handed her the card.
"Oh" she said abruptly changing her tone. "Did I really left it?" She can't believe herself anymore. How could she leave it? How could she be so forgetful?
"Well, it's obvious you did" he said lightly, in response to her question. He moved inside and laughed. She scolded herself again. Right now, she wanted to be devoured. She hit herself. She's very forgetful and she can't look at him with the shame written in her face.
None of them wanted to speak. Choi Min glanced at Kianna, he smiled secretly in his mind, he found her very fascinating. Kianna shot him with a question look.
"Well, thank you for this" she said looking down. She wondered how many times she thanked him and how many times she made herself feel sorry about it.
"It's okay, but please be attentive next time. You won't realize people will soon fool you."
"I know, I know." Cutting him of.
"It's not like you remember everything I said when we first met" She thought about it carefully. Remembering how she got scolded merely because of a pen. She shook it off.
"No, it's not that I forget about it it's just that.." her expressioned turned sour. It feels heavy for her. She doesn't have much time to argue with the situation especially now. They didn't say anything. Choi Min observed her carefully, he realized that Kianna was holding back from something. Her eyes were about to cry. When he slowly turned to face her. She lifted her head and looked up into his eyes and broke the silence between them.
"Anyways have great night" she said and left the elevator as soon as it was opened. She didn't look back. Her eyes were too dry. Choi Min looked at her, trying to figure out, how was she feeling?
"She's definitely not in the mood to talk to someone right now." He uttered unknowingly. "She's sad" a thought occured inside his head. Watching her go with out saying a word made things more interesting. He watched her entering her room.
Kianna couldn't think of anything now. With everything she needed in the plastic bag she put it on the center table in her living room. Straightening her back, she drew in her breath and took a deep sigh that seemed to come from the very depth inside her. She was sad, she slowly opened a can of beer and gulped it withouy stopping. She sat down there with a heavy silence.
She glanced at the screen of her phone and realized her mom was calling. She can't manage to answer it. She was worried she wouldn't have much energy to talk to her right now and if so she couldn't bear answering her mother straightly. The memories that define her identity made her question herself more. Her throat was constricted and inside her was battling. With a heavy heart, she slowly opened the envelope and couldn't begin to think. Inside it is a small suicidal note that looks old. "Suicidal note" she muttered. Her beart began to throb as her eyes couldn't recognize the handwriting. The documents cited that it's the remaining evidence of the suicidal accident happened eighteen years ago. She took a deep breath and began reading the suicidal note.
Mom, Dad,
I'm so sorry but I couldn't hold it anymore. I'm so sorry that I disappoint you. But looking at myself everyday, I felt like I'm a coward and will always be. I couldn't find answer with my question. Why? Why no one wouldn't want to play with me and talk to me? Why they always looked at me with fear?
Mom, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I can't tell you because I'm so scared you'll cry. I'm so sorry I can't see your beautiful smile anymore. I'm tired and scared with the world.
Dad, I'm worried that Mom would get sick. If one day she will find me, tell her I went far away from pain. Dad, I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to tell you. I don't want you two to remember a little piece of me. Please don't think of me anymore.
Starting today, please don't think of me. Mom, Dad. I'm so sorry but I couldn't bear everything with what that person says towards me. I'm so sorry.
Don't look after me. Please.
Her hands were trembling and heart was in pain. She couldn't hold it anymore. She sobbed heavely. What happened to her, why did she tried to kill herself? Who is the person whom she couldn't bear with anymore? The answer to those questions frightened her. She always thought of her as brave woman, but she began to doubt that after reading the note. She felt sick knowing that her parents didn't say anything and was lying to her all the time.
Mixed emotions merged inside her, anger, disappointment, hatred, sadness and curiosity. She was confused about a lot of things, but what she had read right now slowly opened her curiousity out of it. She realized she was a suicidal victim.
Kianna grabbed her beer and took a sip without end. She was too scared to know her past and the story behind the suicidal note.
Kianna wanted to believe that her parents had no intentions covering up the stories behind her memory loss. She hated to admit it, but she knew from the start that they wouldn't tell anyone included her. They told her nothing about it. Her eyes were full of unwavering tears. She couldn't barely stand the anger inside her and tolerate the betrayal she had from the people closed to her. This time she has to keep it by herself and unlock all the querries she had in mind.
She folded the note and hid it in the brown envelope. Finally, unable to comfort herself, Kianna went to her bed. Still, undecided to move she stared at the ceiling, wondering what's more behind her hideous mysery. She used to read people's behaviour and mood, now she was unsure about everyone else.
Kianna nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of the doorbell. She jumped from her bed and carefully braced herself, looking pleasant as possible.
Embracing herself, she run towards the door without looking at the monitor. She opened the door and looked puzzled seeing the person in front of her.
"Chanyeol?" She exclaimed. She hid her surprise as soon as possible. "This is so sudden, why are you here?" She said, appalled at the question she just asked. In the back of her mind, she couldn't figure out how did he came to Seoul. She thought he was still in Jeju.
"Hello" the pretty man said to her as he entered in her house. It took less than five minutes for Kianna to absorb what happened. Chanyeol, her brother came to see her, invading her privacy. She followed him as he settled himself at the couch. Kianna didn't say anything.
Chanyeol opened his arms in greetings to give her a tight hug. She leaned forward and embraced his hug. He smiled at her. Letting go of the hug, he looked at the beers on the table.
"Woah, you're drinking!" He said while looking at the can of beers scattering on the center table.
"Why you didn't tell me you're coming?" She asked. Chanyeol looked at her and moved his gazed towards her eyes.
"I wanted to see you"
"Really?" She laughed. "Really, you wanted to see me? Why?" Her sadness inside her casted away.
"Not really, Mom wanted me to look out for you she said you're not answering her call."
"Oh, but you're still with them in Jeju-"
"No, I don't have plan to go with them and besides I'm working." He said, reaching up to get a bottle of water from the fridge.
"So, you haven't contacted me while you're here in Seoul?"she followed him to the kitchen.
"Too busy with my life" he plainly said.
"Your so mean" she said glaring at him. He laughed at her.
"I'm not" he put down the cold water on the kitchen counter.
"Anyways," he took a drink and handed the water to Kianna. "do you happen to know the person living at the right corner from your unit?" Kianna gave him a questionning look.
"Why did you ask?" She replied while giving him a bowl of ramen. He looked up straight to her and gave her a warm smile.
"Thank you" he said. He turned his attention to the ramen, he sat down and took a bit on it.
"He looked very familiar to me, I think I've seen him before." Uttering those words while eating the ramen. Kianna wondered who is the person he was talking to. Her gazed turned towards him, and an image of Choi Min clouded in her eyes, as if reminescing the meeting they had earlier. She waited for him to continue but he stayed in silence.
"Do you mean, a young man wearing a black coat?" She verified. Chanyeol was not quite sure about his clothes but he seemed very familiar as they both met at the elevator.
"I'm not so sure, but when I met him at the elevator earlier he looked at me intently with those brown eyes. I'm sure I've seen him before, maybe a few years ago." Kianna fell quite.
"Dejavu?" She said seemingly and tapped his hand.
"Don't bother I know him, he's my student." She said. She put a grin in her face. She caught him nodding at her statement.
"Is he like that?" She realized he was asking the way how Choi Min looked at people.
"Yeah, he always have those cold eyes"
"I don't think so, but its weird when he looked at me. He greeted me with his warmest smile" Kianna thought about it. He had never seen Choi Min like that except in the parking lot. Kianna stared at him steadily.
"I think he's weird sometimes too, so don't get bothered. Youngs these days are unpredictable."
"I'm young too" he said.
"No your not" she exclaimed. They both have a great conversation.
"I'm glad you came."
"Something happened?" He asked. Kianna knew that Chanyeol would not stop asking if she would utter something.
"No, nothings wrong. Just so happy to see you. I want to visit Mom on weekend. Do you have any plans?"
"Weekend? I have nightshift and besides things were too busy in the hospital. " Chanyeol was a NeuroSurgeon and his life as doctor was way too busy. Busier than a teacher. She remembered him as someone who's oddly serious with his work. He doesn't have much time with his personal life.
"Okay, I'll just visit you once I return." He nodded. Chanyeol knew a lot about his sister the way she held her tears, showed her smile. But, he never asked her because he knew that would complicate things.
"Bring some homemade kimchi for me please" he pleaded. She gave him a cute smile.
Kianna and him were too closed. Chanyeol is just so secretive and showing his emotion isn't a good idea.
"Kianna, you should get yourself check, it looks like you are not taking your medications anymore. You seem very forgetful this days. You should visit me in the hospital next time." Kianna nodded.
"Yes, Dr. Lee but how did you know I've been so forgetful?" Chanyeol was always with her when she got herself check. She realized Chanyeol was always her best companion and always been the closest family she had.
"You really forget about this day?" Her head turned towards him with those questioning look.
"Birthday?" She was unsure. Chanyeol shook his head. "Anniversary? But I don't there's something special on this day." She said. Chanyeol held her shoulder.
"It's our parent's wedding anniversary and mom was worried why you aren't greeting them and answering their call either. You should call them later if your good"
"Yes, Doctor Lee. You must go now, you still have patients waiting for you. Go, save lives." They both laughed. Chanyeol nodded and gave her again a very tight hug. Not seeing his sister for months again, made him missed his family more.
"Okay, keep safe always. Call me." Kianna smiled at him and nodded. Chanyeol waved his hand and they exchange their goodbyes and Kianna followed Chanyeol until they reached the elevator. She gave him a smile as as Chanyeol departed.
"Call me!" she shouted and waved her tiny hands. The feeling she had been dealing with earlier faded like bubble when she talked to her brother but the shocked it caused to her remained like a scar.
She went back to her room.
She went to her bed and forcely closed her eyes. Her mind drifted away about everything.With a plan she had on her mind, Kianna knew that her plan won't fail. It may sound rebellious from her parents but under any circumstances she firmly believe that it was best for her to know a little detail of what happened before. Over the years neither of her friends nor her family had described anything in front of her. And she didn't like it, she believed that she has the right to know. How difficult had it been for her to not know anything? It was hard for her to believe on something that isn't worth trusting.
She hated it, she hated how they hid everything. She ran her fingers towards her forehead. The pain she've been feeling triggered as she tried to figure things out. Sitting up straight, she just couldn't sleep and that's the worst. Her head felt heavy. Kianna got up from her bed and slowly by slowly slipped out from her bedroom. Wearing her thick coat on, pacing towards the door. This she needed to ease her mind.
The night was calm and the brooding clouds calm hanging above the night sky. Her hands were cold. She stood for a moment and turned her gaze towards the park. Seeing few couples talking, some were whispering to each other, gathering her self, she sat at the long bench and looked up the night sky. Sleep had become her enemy and most of the time she wake up exhausted and tired. She played her favorite song that calmed her soul. The cold air brushed her bare hands that caused her to shiver. Although, the night was cold but she felt relaxed and her mind began to calm down.
She pondered why she was feeling this way. She felt something was wrong. Taking a deep sigh she started humming.
She closed her eyes and for moment of silence she think of nothing. She felt the cold air kissed her cheeks.
"Do you mind if I'll sit next to you?" She heard someone say but she wasn't sure if she heard so. Her mind was drifted. She continously closed her eyes. The emptiness she felt for a quite moment shattered when someone tapped her shoulder that caused her to open her eyes.
"Do you mind if I'll sit next to you?" She could see him clearly. She brushed her eyes and to her surprise, she found him staring at her. He took a step forward and recohnized his face as soon as the light striked toward his gloomy face. Kianna was taken aback. She straightened herself.
"Ah, yeah...sure" her words were scattered. They stared at each other. Her eyes were too surprised.
"I saw you sitting her, I supposed you been thinking about something" she watched him talking. Dressed in a comfortable grey shirt and white thick coat, he looked a totally different person to the person she met at the elevator. He seemed to have a different guise everytime they met. This time he looked like a friendly creature with a wide warm smile on his face.
"Today I just wanted to looked at the stars but sadly I couldn't find one." She stared sharing, she didn't know why but she felt she needed someone to hear her out. She just can't control herself now, and she didn't even realized why she started talking.
"I hope I can see one, at least just for once" she said while taking a deep sigh and forced herself to show off a smile.
"I don't what's on your mind or what happened. But I think you need to let it out. If stars won't come out then at least looked at the street lights and just imagine those are stars." He said, his voice was so deep with the sense of sincerity in it.
Kianna stared at him for moment and looked at the street lights. It was peaceful, she realized.
"That sounds crazy but thank you. I have never seen this side of you. I thought you are always cold-"
"Do I sound crazy?" He asked her and let out a laugh. It was so simple as that but Kianna started laughing hard. She didn't know why, but it felt good.
"Anyways, have you been staring at me within a distance for a long time?" she asked him comfortably without remembering the few uncanny encounters they had.
"No, I was just passing by and I found you staring above the night sky with your eyes closed and I found you-" Kianna didn't understand what he meant.
"You found me what?" Cutting him off. Kianna looked at Choi Min for the second time, this time his eyes stayed on her face. His glare was so deep that she couldn't manage to turn away.
He swallowed. "Fascinating" he utterly said. That word made her feel uncomfortable. She turned her face, trying to avoid his gaze.
"Ah," she nodded and burst into a nervous laugh.
"You have absolutely no idea what you are talking to" she said and found her self hilarious as she continued to laugh breaking the heavy atmosphere between them.
"I'm serious, it's true I found you very fascinating" he said with the seriousness in his voice. He smiled at her. She could barely understand but it made her heart beat so fast. She knew this isn't good but that word flattered inside her.
"You have taken my breath away" she said and began to laugh. Trying to change the subject was her ultimate goal as of the moment.
"You're okay?" He asked. "I think so," she replied.
"It's good to see you smiling" he said. This time, she buy it. "I know I may sound absurd in front of you but thank you" she smiled at him. The pain she've been feeling eased away.
"I don't what happened to you today, but really I'm happy to see you laughing hard in front of me. This the only thing I could do for you the least." She didn't understand what he was saying. Did he knew she was havinh a hard time? Of course it's not possible how would he even understand her situation right now.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"Acting so rude in front of you, isn't purely my intention. I'm so sorry for that" he plainly said.
"Ah, it's okay. I should be the one apologizing to you besides I'm your teacher and I'm acting so bad in front of you." Kianna said. She shrugged for a moment.
"It's okay. You know what if you need someone to talk to when thing gets heavy, just knock me on the door."
She shook her head and smiled while her face looked above.
"It's okay, I can handle myself."
"It's okay to not be okay sometimes" he said that made her silenced and for a moment she realized, he's right.
"I don't know if I'll tell you this but when you felt that thing gets harder learn to recognize it and know that this too shall pass. I've been through that too, staring at the sky trying to forget about everything. I may not know how much pain your feeling right now, but don't force fool yourself when it's unbearable sometimes things like that are meant to be shared." he continued. Kianna looled at him, but she found Choi Min looking at a distance with the seriousness in his face. She didn't know why but tears fell down her eyes as soon as he heard him say and she can no longer control herself. She burst out.
Choi Min held her face, his eyes were full of empathy.
"It's okay, sometimes crying is so good. Just let it out. I may not understand how you feel but if you need someone to lean on to, you can call me." He said and without a second he caressed her face and wiped her tears. She moved back a little for his sudden touched but she just couldn't help herself now. Choi Min tapped her shoulder.
"It's okay, okay?" Kianna nodded and braced herself. She felt ashamed for the first time, crying in front of her student. Choi Min looked at her with a very empathic face. Kianna moved back a little and wiped her teary eyes. Then the silence between them broke when Choi Min's phone rang.
He looked at it and found a very familiar name.