I saw the hazy shadows of the Rammais gently lift Widow Kang's vestigial body, they set her into a grave beside mine. Slowly I felt my eyes collapsing onto itself. My eyelids drooped ever lower until my vision was shrouded in darkness.
The darker intentions of the ritual has finally begun. Past all the ceremonies and the show we put on for the younger generations. The true ceremony can finally begin.
I am to be consumed. I am to be absorbed. To coalesce into the tree. The ultimate pride is finally mine.
I felt dirt pile upon me. With every thump I heard I felt more and more pressure build on my body. Then the thumping ended, my hearing must have been lost.
I could still feel the wetness from the mud encasing my feet. It pushed the cloth I wore into my chest, constricting my breath. It matters not, I need not to breathe anymore, the potion will sustain me.
I'm so close to it. All I must do is wait now. It won't be more than a few days until the roots reach my feet.
Only a few days.
Just wait.
Just have to wait a bit, and then I'll be in euphoria. I'll be with all my ancestors, my father, my brother, my uncles. Just have to wait.
I can only wait.
There exists no other path.
Minutes pass. The ceremony should still be ongoing, but I can no longer hear anything. I wonder if my family is still close by. Tradition does not dictate that one must stay by one's kin after burial. Perhaps they have already returned to the village? The ceremonial bazaar is currently ongoing. All the delicious food and festivities must have a greater attraction for them than a paralysed old man in the ground.
I hope they have not stayed. There is much to life other than spending time with me. Especially when our time together is unrestricted by the Tree. Go eat some meat my children! Drink good alcohol! Celebrate with sweets! Worry not about your father. Nothing but good awaits him.
One thing that I've always wondered though. If the tree will absorb our bodies no matter what. Would it not be faster to connect with the tree if we had our heads facing it. Instead we're buried with our heads facing away. It's odd. It's just tradition, so I never bothered to ask. I'm sure if I did, the Rammais would say something like,
"It's because the spirit of man resides throughout the body…"
Even though our consciousness comes from our brains.
Hold on. Who told me that?
"You must expel these heretical thoughts from yourself! Never will you speak of this to any others.", a Rammai screamed at me...
...Decades ago.
It feels like centuries ago, or close to it, seeing that I've forgotten so much. Had I ever questioned why such thoughts were heretical? I must not have, or else I would remember. I can feel my mind wander into the depths of memory that has laid untouched for years, so many fragments of lost conversations, seemingly another lifetime.
They pour out at random, a convoluted mixture of thoughts and memories of familiar strangers. I cannot piece them together...
"We cannot stay here. The villagers are all insane, their Rammai are lecherous deviants. If we stay any longer they'll feed us to that goddam tree."
Did I say that? Was it someone I had forgotten? But that cannot be, all my life I've been in this village, I'm able to list my family tree back to the founding of this village. To doubt my heritage now is insane. Pointless as well.
"But father-"
"No more from you Kui. The villagers have only been hospitable and kind towards us. Your slander is ill-founded, compose yourself."
Father always took any contradictions to his will personally. He never listened to what I had to say. If he had trusted brother and I back in our hometown, maybe mother would still be-
Mother? My mother has passed, yes, she is in the tomb next to mine, but what is this about our hometown? Has my family not always been here? These memories must be the work of some demon. It must.
Ha! Cursed demons, you dare challenge the might of a child of the Tree? I will entertain your encroachment, not because of curiosity, nay, I will simply show to you your impudence.
"Brother, are you sure about this? Will we really be leaving father?"
What looked like my little brother whispered to me. It seems I had been preparing a satchel with supplies for travel in this fabricated memory. What for?
"We must, father has been fooled too thoroughly. We are yet to be indoctrinated, hence, we must flee before we are too."
"Do you think father really believes in all that?"
"He has forced himself to. He has grown weary from his age, this village does indeed offer comfort not found anywhere else-"
"Then is it so bad to stay?"
I felt a rage well up inside of me. Had I not explained this to my brother countless times? Why had he picked the night when we decided to take action to doubt?
No, maybe he never truly thought the same. Just a little boy following the unfounded ideals of his older brother. But I will not falter in my decision. My brother will come with me, even if it must be against his will.
"I've made friends here, big brother. And we actually get enough food regularly, I've even plumpened during our stay."
"If we stay, then we are just slaves to that demon, we will just be sacrifices to that monster."
"Brother please. We're not the same. Maybe you can live your whole life fighting, but I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to see mother die again. I don't want to be scared of sleeping, of travelling… of living, brother."
"All of these are illusions presented to you to lure you into its demonic clutches!"
"Are they illusions, though. Is the fat on my belly only an imagination? Is the bed we've been provided a farce?"
"It is they who took these away from us to begin with. We don't need their charity."
"You don't need their charity. You don't want their charity. You're too mesmerized with the tales of old that you can't accept good things, unless it happens and comes the exact way you want, even when it's shoved in your face. You were the one who always told me to dream for the very things we have now. And now you tell me to throw it all away?"
"I told you to fight for these things, not immolate your soul for simple material pleasures-"
Enough. I've heard enough. No more of this.
"...expel these heretical thoughts from yourself…"
Yes. Leave me, please. I need to focus on what's important. Not the ramblings of some lowly demon. Oh how they quiver in front of the Tree's might! They only dare to strike indirectly at it's subject when all have been decided already. There is no changing my belief and faith, my devotion is indomitable.
Despite all the paralysing effects of the concoction, I don't feel drowsy at all. I guess its properties don't affect the consciousness of oneself. No matter, I will see if I can sleep through most of this. The roots will take some time to reach me.
"...I awoke, finding myself to have been chained onto a stone altar after some nights. The priest stood before me, his gaze was settled on someone beside me, chained to the stone as well. Then we heard it. The priest and his men retreated far into the forest, leaving us exposed to whatever came to feed…"
The roots have yet to reach me. I know not how long it's been.
I'm still patiently waiting.
How long has it been? If the roots haven't reached me, then it has to be less than three or so days? Maybe it's already my third day, and I'll feel it fleetingly poke at my feet soon?
Being in this position for so long has rendered much of my body sore.
I haven't breathed in so long.
I try to move the tips of my toes to see if the roots are close. Maybe if I wave them, the roots would find me easier. I couldn't move anything, my body is catatonic.
Everything is dark.
I think it just rained. The pressure above me is heavier. I feel colder, too.
I'm cold.
Father, did you go through this too?
All you can do is wait, so just wait. It won't be long now.