"Haruto…” I mumbled, not knowing what to say. Was I shocked? Definitely. Was I repulsed? Not in the least. But I was also confused. What would I even say? My mind was totally blank and I didn’t want to talk in fear of saying something that will hurt him.
He sighed and released my hand which fell onto my lap. He ran his fingers through his hair, then cursed. “I’m sorry Aito. I’m sorry but… I can’t help what I am. I didn’t want to tell you this. I wanted to keep it myself forever, as long as I’m by your side, it was enough. But seeing you and Ryu growing closer everyday made me jealous. I know you guys aren’t together or anything but you paying him attention and hanging out with him made me uneasy. I couldn’t think straight and hiding this part of myself was killing me. I-I… I just had to tell you. Please don’t hate me Aito. Don’t hate me”
He said the last part in a dejected whisper and my heart broke. My best friend had to feel this way because of me. “I…I don’t hate you Haruto” I said. My voice was low but in the quiet graveyard, it was clear. “I can never hate you. Whether you’re gay or bi or whatever, I will never hate you. You’re my best friend”
He scoffed then looked at me, tears brimming in his eyes. “Is that all I’ll ever be, Aito? Your best friend?”
I went silent.
He continued; “You know, the main reason I didn’t tell you about my sexuality is because of how homophobic you are. I’m surprised to see you this calm. I thought you’ll be punching and cursing me by now”
Wow. If only he knew. But I didn’t know whether to tell him or not. The truth is, if I hadn’t met Ryu and my way of thinking was still the same, I would have lost my shit if Haruto came out to me and told me he loves me. Now, I’m different. I’m a changed person. I’m more open minded so I’m able to take this news and Haruto deserves to know about me. If he can tell me the truth about himself, why can’t I?
“I have something to say too” I said and he raised a brow. Fuck. I mustered every ounce of courage I had and spoke the words I’m sure he never thought will ever come out of the lips of Yamamoto Aito.
“I’m bisexual”
He froze.
I decided to continue speaking. “Though I’m not quite sure. Recently, I’m only attracted to one particular person and I can’t quite picture myself doing things I used to do with the opposite sex. I’m not the Aito I used to be anymore. I’ve changed and I like the way I am now. In a way, I understand things better so I understand how you feel. I’m not mad at you Haruto. I’m just shocked”
And also confused. Is it possible for someone to go from straight to gay? I’m not quite sure. Though, when I think of it, if it isn’t Ryu, I don’t think I’ll get turned on. Now, the question is, is it possible to go from straight to gay for only one person? I mean, if I were to be in a relationship with Haruto , I don’t think I’ll be able to do any sexual activities with him. I doubt kissing him will even turn me on. Okay, thinking about it even made me feel awkward so I guess I’m gay for… only… Ryu?
This is so confusing.
“…Aito!”
I was startled out of my thoughts by Haruto shouting my name. I blinked. “Huh?”
“What do you mean by you’re bisexual?” he asked angrily. “Since when? And what do you mean by you’re only attracted to a particular person? Who are you talking about?”
I groaned. “One question at a time”
He glared at me and I sighed. “Fine fine I’ll explain. I… I like someone. Yes, he’s a guy and he’s the only guy I’m attracted to”
The only one I’ll ever be attracted to.
“I realized this only a few weeks back and we started dating after I broke up with Sara. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I also thought you were homophobic. If I knew you were gay, I would have told you long ago”
Haruto shook his head. “You’re forgetting the fact that I just said that I’m in love with you, Aito. Or are you choosing to ignore that part?”
What? “N-No! I-”
“Well I won’t let you” he said, cutting me off. You’ll have to listen to me Aito. You’ll have to acknowledge my feelings. I’ve loved you long before I even knew what the ‘love’ is. At first I didn’t realize it. I thought they were just brotherly feelings or some sort of protectiveness until I started to get jealous when you began to date and sleep around. My feelings for you were what made me realize that I’m attracted to the same sex. I’ve lived in fear for almost 8 years just to confess and hear that you’re already dating someone else? That too, a guy?”
Okay maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about Ryu to him. Thank God I didn’t even mention his name.
“Tell me, who is he?”
Uh oh. Guess I spoke too soon.
I let out a nervous smile. “H-Haruto, calm down first. Let’s speak in a calm manner”
“This is the calmest I can be right now Aito!” he snapped. “Do you have any fucking idea how hurt I am right now? Do you even know how I feel? I’ve been hurting for the past few days. I’ve been mentally stressed for years, thinking, always thinking about how I’m gonna tell you how I feel about you. I was thinking about how you would react to the news. I was fucking preparing myself for the worst form of rejection and destruction of our friendship. I was so damn scared of losing you just to hear that I’ve already lost without even trying?”
Fuck. Tears filled my eyes, spilling slowly down my cheeks. As he spoke, I realized just how much pain he was going through. How much he was hurting. It wasn’t easy bottling up one’s feelings like that. I went through that because of Ryu and mine was just a few weeks. What about Haruto that kept it a secret for years while watching me be with other people?
“I-I never meant to hurt you Haruto. I swear, I-”
“Shut up” he gritted. “Just fucking shut up. Not a single word more Aito”
I did as he said, fearing that I would upset him more. I feared that anything I say would just make things worse.
“Fuck!” he cursed. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
I flinched then forced my body to remain still. Haruto will never hurt me. No matter how angry or upset he is, he will never hurt me. I was sure of it.