I don't know if I am somehow to blame, I couldn't help but be scared of the shifting of emotions I saw in his eyes.
His eyes once murky gold now turned bright, like he was somehow awakened abruptly from a dream.
"That's a free lesson on how not to tease a man," Jiro said coldly as he let go of me and stood up from the bed like nothing happened.
I couldn't read what was on his mind, but if I were to believe his words, my heart will break. So I chose to think I must have misheard him.
I buttoned up my blouse, blocking my bosoms from his view. I felt shame wash over me. What did I just do, he is Jiro Takeshi, my best friend. Surely, this is something to be ashamed about.
"Jiro," I called his name but did not know what to say. Those golden eyes burning with such passion earlier now looked at me coldly, like I did something wrong. But what? What did I just do exactly?
"You should not be a tease, ever again," he said as he stepped out of my apartment.
"Don't forget about our appointment tomorrow," he said in a dispassionate voice, like nothing of importance happened.
"Yes," like the pathetic woman that I am, I chose to answer him, thanking the heavens that his back was turned towards the door. This way he can't see my tears escaping from the corners of my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to suppress them.
My voice trembled, and I felt an indescribable pain enveloped me. Jiro, we must talk about this right, should we really just ignore what happened.
"Jiro, the kiss... What was that all about?" I asked him, finding my voice once again.
Jiro stopped in front of the door, but he did not turn to face me, instead, he said in an exasperated voice, "I kiss all the time, Yuki. you should know by now, that was nothing to me," Jiro dismissed it as a joke.
"That was my first kiss, Jiro. Don't you think it meant something to me?" I asked him, my voice trembled. I wanted to add, I reserved my first kiss for you and now you are telling me it meant nothing to you at all.
"Wasn't that great, though? Surely, one day you would need to learn about that. Think of that kiss as a practice, that I gladly gave you out of pity," he said, pausing as if he just realized what he just said.
"Practice? That's all? Why are you saying this to me, Jiro?" I asked him, my voice nearly broke. No, I can't be weak in front of him. This is no fairytale, I have to ask him what the kiss meant.
"What do you want Yuki? Do you want me to take responsibility all for just a kiss?" Jiro continued, trying to control his voice.
"We are best friends," I said, not knowing the point I was trying to make.
"That's exactly why we must forget about it. I'm no good Yuki, I'm not one of the fairy princes you dreamed of. You've seen the number of women I left once they started clinging to me. I can't keep my pants to myself," Jiro forced a chuckle that sounded fake even to my ears.
"Do you want to end up like that, because asking more about that stupid kiss will lead us to that," Jiro said in a cold calculating voice.
I hated that unlike the Yuki Soras of my novels, I understand his point exactly.
I find no bitterness inside my heart from listening to him. I guess I love him more than the Yuki Soras of the past and the future ever will.
"Then, tomorrow at 8:00 in the morning, should I pick you up?" He asked me in a tone that signified the matter has been resolved.
"Yes," I told him. Unsure how I sounded in his ears, but he did not turn the doorknob at all.
"This has nothing to do with you, Yuki. I'm just really a hopeless case, that's all. And despite it all, I want you. I want to keep you always as a part of my life," Jiro said as if his words can mend my broken heart. As if his explanation can make me not hurt at all.
"You will always be more loved than any other girl in my life. You are my best friend, Yuki. The only person I care for more than myself. If you ask me to die for you, I will. That is how important you are to me. And precisely because of that, we can't go there. We can't risk this Yuki, I can't risk losing what we have," he said as if begging me to understand his motivations.
"I know that," I said, bravely wiping out my tears and forcing a smile on my lips.
"So tomorrow, at 8:00," I said. As if fearing I might change my mind, he turned the doorknob and walked out of the room.
Then, I was all alone again. In that crowded apartment that barely fits me, my bed and a sofa.
Jiro, why did you even have to be my best friend? I walked to the bedside table and looked at the comments from my readers.
"Why did the prince have to do that? You are the prince. The one you love can bear a son too, you know," a reader said.
I smiled bitterly, I envy the fictional Yuki. For the Yuki of this world can never make Jiro Takeshi fall in love with her. And it is because of that, that they can never be together.
The stabbing pain in my heart is too much to bear that I finally let out a cry of agony, tears that were held back a minute ago just landed freely on my cheeks.
Jiro, why do you have to be so cruel? Do you know, do you know how cruel you are to me?
*******
I cried to my heart's content that night, and yet when morning came I still woke up in time. Making sure, Jiro won't have to wait.
I was pathetic, wasn't I? To fall in love with my best friend so desperately is a curse borne by fictional Yukis and the Yuki that created them, I laughed at my own inside joke.
Jiro, why can't I stop myself from loving you. No matter what I heard you say. No matter what you told me Jiro. It's like I was cursed to love you.
I tried on a beautiful white dress that reached below my knees, the one he gifted me last week on my birthday.
He said I should wear it today too, I don't have a clue why. Still, I tried it on, a dress that can only have caused him a thousand dollars, it looks perfect.
It made me look several kilos lighter. I smiled, I'm not as stupid as the Yuki of my fairytale to not wear a generous gift. No, gifts from my best friend will always be worn, never returned.
When I heard knocks on my door, I ran to open it, but my heart caught in my chest when I see him looking so perfect. Once again, Jiro managed to weaken my knees with nothing but a smile.
"Hi," was all he said as he reached out his hand and handed me a bouquet.