I drifted through blackness for eternity.
Everywhere was nothingness. I was nothingness. I floated, heedless of my direction, never hearing another voice.
Except once, I thought I heard Mariana's voice, saying she'd improved my body just a bit, and not to worry about dying from my old injuries. Then she said to make sure to give her the credit if anyone told me I looked better than a slug.
What should I be: happy or angry about that?
But the darkness came back, and I wasn't anything at all.
…
I drifted from blackness into dreams at some point. I saw my nephew and nieces dancing, and my feet dancing in midair.
I saw my sister crying, and her children, too young to understand, handing her a tissue and saying, "Don't cry, Mama—laugh!"
I saw a devil with angel wings grinning at me, saying, "Your soul isn't worth very much. And when's the last time you properly brushed your teeth?"
Then an army of slugs and cockroaches surrounded me, and as I fell to the ground, I heard them saying, "Help us! Help us! Help us!"...
Then, with that slow, sudden knowledge, I knew I was awake.
I was surprisingly comfortable. I felt kind of numb, but the floor I was lying on seemed like it wasn't too hard. Light, not bright enough to be uncomfortable, danced over my eyelids, and a cool breeze lightly brushed my skin. I became aware of a sharp, sweet, refreshing scent all round me. Pine?
My eyes fluttered open. Sure enough, I was lying on a forest floor, staring up at the pine trees that towered over me, stretching up towards the scraps of blue sky, carelessly tossing slivers of golden sunshine from bough to bough.
I sat up and groaned as feeling flowed into my limbs. I ached all over, and my arms and legs had pins and needles. My head spun dizzily for a few moments. I'd sat up too fast for however long I'd been lying there. I put one hand on my head and leaned to one side, putting one hand down on the ground to support myself.
"Ouch!" My hand had been stabbed by something! I lifted it up, looked, and laughed out loud.
"Literal pins and needles, huh?" I had been "stabbed" by a fearsome pine needle, dangling from my thumb. I brushed it away and rubbed my arms and legs, trying to get the blood flowing properly.
Blood… I brushed a hand gently across my neck, but I didn't feel any pain. I tried placing my hand firmly on my neck, and felt no pain at all. It felt like there were some raised lines on my skin that weren't there before, though. Huh. Maybe my hand was still too numb. At least the pain was gone, though.
"So that Goddess healed my injuries? I guess she is good for something after all."
Wait, is she listening right now? From what she said, it seemed like she would watch my progress… And in the spirit realm, she can read my thoughts! I need to change the way I think about her, fast! That woman—I mean, the Great Goddess Mariana-sama, is dangerous, after all!
"My apologies Goddess-sama! Please forgive me!" Just in case, I kowtowed as low as I could. It was awkward to bow while sitting. My flexibility isn't that good.
But hey, I hadn't said anything cause I was kind of out of it, but now that I think of it…
"Where are my clothes?"
Nothing. I have nothing at all. I mean, I know it's kind of an established trope subversion to give terrible starting equipment, but nothing? That's kind of harsh. Even after I died and was in the spirit realm, I still had clothes at least! I still had dignity!
...Well, maybe I didn't have much dignity. I narrowly escaped being a slug, after all.
My dream came back to me, with all those slugs and cockroaches screaming, "Help me!"
I shuddered. Were there more poor souls like me in this world? Were some of them forced to live as abominations? Would I have to become a vegetarian to avoid hurting them? No, that wouldn't help. The world of isekai was merciless. People could even become inanimate objects. In that sense, I really am lucky.
I bowed again. "Oh Great Goddess, I am forever grateful for your mercy. Please forgive my carelessly worded comment from earlier. I meant no disrespect."
...Even though you left me with nothing. Wait, no, don't think like that! We're going to change the way we think! Until we are never in danger of slipping up in front of that woma—Mariana-sama!
I slapped my cheeks to force myself to focus. *Slap!* *Tac!*
"Tac?" My left cheek was stinging from the slap, but my right cheek felt like something had come in between my face and my hand. I looked down at my right hand.
"Oh right. It's not 'nothing', after all."
You guessed it. In my right hand was a little silver-colored plastic box, with the image of a woman—of a goddess, engraved on it.
My Goddess.
I'd really have to be more careful. She—I mean, Goddess Mariana-sama would not tolerate me slapping my face with her image. And if she heard me thinking about her disrespectfully, and decided I wasn't any good as a follower after all… I shudder.
"My apologies, Goddess-sama. I'll be more careful with your precious gift to me." Good. That was more like it. Now if I can just keep thinking in that disgustingly devoted simp-like fashion, she'll have no reason to abandon me and turn me into a slug next time we meet. As long as I get her more followers, of course.
Well, before I get her some followers, I need to get myself some clothes. With no pocket to put the floss in, I set it on the ground for now and struggle to my feet.
Oh, it burns. Ow. Ow ow ow ow. I was seriously lying there for too long. Everything was cramped. Owwwwww.
After a few long minutes of breathing in and out deeply, and trying to move as little as possible, the pain dies down and I manage a few gentle stretches.
"Seriously, inflexibility is the worst. If only I'd kept doing stretches since I was a little kid!" Or wait, would that have made a difference? Or would rigor mortis have reset all my flexibility progress to zero? Oh well, it's pointless to wonder.
"Alright! From now on, I'm doing stretches every day, until I'm as flexible as a gymnast!" I declare. Then I hastily look around, hoping no one heard that. All I see are endless rows of pine trees, with the occasional fallen log or stump covered in moss. Phew.
Wait, speaking of daily exercises, I need to floss my teeth! Or I'll get that excruciating pain thing! Wait, had she actually snapped her fingers after saying that? It seemed like the snaps activated her power. Or did she just do that for dramatic effect?
Well, let's not take any chances. I bent down (ow, ow) and picked up the little silver box. It hadn't leaped into my hand or anything, even though it was supposed to return to me. I wonder how that's gonna work? Maybe there's a distance requirement?
I grimace at the top of the box, where the word "Idiot" still gracefully scrolls across it. Hopefully I can change that soon. I better not show anyone the box until then. I don't want to get stuck with such a terrible name forever.
Shoving aside my feelings for now, I flip the lid open. Yup, it's definitely floss. It even kind of looks like the brand I used to use, the thicker kind that doesn't annoyingly split into separate threads when you use it. I pull the floss and tear off a piece using the little built-in cutter. I put one end in my mouth, and as I kind of suspected, it's mint. I guess she just copied the floss I had in my bathroom. Which, incidentally, happened to be the type of floss that killed me.
"Hahhh," I sighed. To be killed by floss was seriously too lame. Well, what's happened has already happened.
"At least I'm not a slug, at least I'm not a slug," I hum as I wind the ends of the floss around my fingers. The ends of my index fingers turn purple. I was never one of those people who had the power to floss their teeth without losing circulation. Ah well. Here goes.
I put my hands up to my mouth, and then realize I've never flossed without a mirror before. It can't be that hard. And it's not like missing a tooth will kill me.
Wait. It might not kill me, but if I miss a tooth, will the flossing be considered incomplete and I'll get that "excruciating pain"? That can't be true, can it?
Sweat rolls down my face. Knowing that Goddess, it totally could.
I end up taking a very long time to floss my teeth. I carefully floss between each one slowly and deliberately, not moving my hands very fast for fear of skipping over a tooth. After I do both the top and bottom, I know I got them all. Probably. Hopefully. Mariana-sama will be merciful, right? Right?
Yeah, right.
I end up flossing all of my teeth again, slower than the last time. There, now for sure I've covered all of them, right?
But what if my hands have gotten used to doing it a certain way, and I skipped over the same tooth twice? Or what if it doesn't count unless you use a fresh piece of floss each time?
"Dang!" I unwind my sore fingers and drop the now-flavorless piece of floss to the ground. But it feels wrong to just leave it lying there in the middle of such an idyllic forest…
"Oh, right. Decompose." The thin thread on the ground rapidly falls apart and breaks down until it's indistinguishable from the rest of the forest floor.
"Wow." I didn't expect it to be that fast. I thought it would be like biodegradable paintballs or something, where you can't see them breaking down until an hour or two later at least. Maybe I can use this feature in the future for more than being eco-friendly.
"Hehe… with hard work and perseverance, I'll turn this floss into the ultimate cheat weapon!" Oops, did I say that out loud?
"All by the grace of the Great Goddess Mariana-sama, of course." Phew. That was close.
For now, it's time to floss my teeth one more time, for good measure.
By the time I'm done, my gums are bleeding in a dozen places. Ow… Did I not floss enough in my last life? I mean, I brushed my teeth pretty regularly, and I always kept floss on hand, ready to use. I can't really speak for nights that I spent watching anime, though. Which was a lot of nights.
"Gah! I don't want to think about it!" Whatever. It doesn't matter now anyway. This is a new life, in a new world, where for better or for worse, I'll be flossing my teeth twice a day until I die.
Wait a minute, does that mean I'm already done flossing for today, since I flossed three times? Or does it have to be morning and evening? Well, there's no way of asking, so I'll do morning and evening just to be safe.
By the way, do they have toothbrushes in this world? What effect is flossing and not brushing going to have on my teeth?
I chuckle. I don't think I've ever put this much thought into dental care before.
"Well, whatever," I say mindlessly, flicking my used piece of floss to the ground, "at least I'm alive. Decompose."
Alright, now time to find some clothes.
Time to find some clothes...
"Dang it, there's nothing but trees!" Seriously, everywhere I look, nothing but trees. I suppose I'll just have to pick a direction and walk that way, but what if I end up walking in circles? And even worse, what if I bump into people suddenly and they think I'm a pervert and shoot me on sight? Or disintegrate me with magic or something? Mariana-sama definitely said there was magic in this world, but she didn't say what it was like, just that I couldn't use it till I got her more followers.
But I'm getting off track here. First problem: how to keep going in the same direction? Luckily (or maybe not so luckily) for me, I have no idea where I am, so the direction I pick doesn't really matter, as long as I stick with it.
I look up at the sky, hoping to see the sun. The pine trees block it mostly, but I can tell it's mostly coming from the right. Or to the right and a little behind me. I think?
Dang it. The sun's going to move anyway (probably—but who knows what this world is like?) and without knowing which direction it's travelling across the sky, I might end up going in circles anyway.
Heh. When did I become this smart?
Ahem. Anyways, my smartness has helped me figure out… that I'm still hopelessly lost. Dang!
"I haven't even started walking yet, and I'm already going in circles. And I'm talking to myself. Or maybe I'm talking to the trees. Help me, trees! I'm lost!"
A breeze swept through the trees, making the branches whisper. It made me feel like the trees were laughing at me. Not that I blamed them.
I sighed. "I'm really losing it, aren't I."
At least you're not a slug, my conscience whispered to me. I nodded sagely. My conscience was right. However, I'm a little sick of comparing myself with invertebrates.
"At this rate, it feels like even the trees know their left from their right better than I do."
The wind flitted through the trees again, like it agreed with me.
Wait. Wait a minute. Didn't I learn something about that in grade school? Trees and left and right? Or rather… trees and North and South?
"Eureka!" I leapt for joy. The trees really do know direction better than I do! I rushed over to a tree, then several others to double check. Sure enough, they all had moss growing on one side. This should be the North side, that gets the least sunlight. Thank you, Grade 1 teacher! You've saved my life! Although, just for the sake of preserving my existence as a human, I must reserve most of the credit for Mariana-sama.
"Well, let's keep things simple and head North." I set out in the direction pointed by the moss, and the wind congratulates me by sweeping down out of the treetops and pushing me along.
And boy, is it cold.
Right. I forgot about problem number two: clothes. Hmm. The trees helped me with number one; maybe they can help me with number two? I do have a (presumably) bottomless container of floss in my hand after all, that I could use as thread to sew some leaves together.
Sew… some leaves…
Dang it! I can't sew pine needles together!
But that doesn't mean the trees are completely useless. I can at least take a branch to hold in front of myself in case I suddenly meet someone.
I walk up to the nearest tree and grab hold of a small, densely needled branch. I tug downwards, but it doesn't budge. I look around for a rock to saw at the branch with, and spot a small one on the ground near me. I set down the floss and pick up the rock.
I start sawing at the branch, but the fibres are tough. I work at it, and the branch starts to separate from the tree. I hear a howl as the wind sweeps through the trees, blasting me with a gust of cold air. I shiver like crazy and speed up. The sooner I finish this, the sooner I can get going to find some people to help me, and the sooner I can get some warm clothes.
When it's sawed more than halfway through, I yank on it with all my strength, and it starts to tear off. I jump and push down on it with my body weight, and it finally snaps off. I fall to the ground, branch in hand, as the wind rises in volume.
"Hooooooooowwwwllllll!"
I shiver for more than one reason this time. This time, the wind sounded almost like a voice. It shrieks again, and then I decide I actually am going crazy, because it starts to sound like words.
"Hoooooooooowwwwwwww daaaaaaaaarrrrreeeee yoooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!!!!"
Yup, I'm losing it.
And then something even more unbelievable happens. The bark on the tree starts to shift and move under my gaze, forming itself into the furious face of a woman. The bark-woman leans her upper torso out of the tree, bares her teeth in rage, and screams in my face.