"Your Empress?"
I don't mean to, but I cringe in response. Maddie has been at it ever since we've returned.
And it doesn't look like today will be any different.
"It's coming up another week."
"I said no." I hold the book tighter. The words dance across my eyes as my vision blurs. But I suck back the tears.
Not today. I'm not crying today.
I try to be angry instead. I shouldn't have to keep answering the same question. I shouldn't, but I can't stop her either.
I just don't want to think about any of it at all.
"Ana," Maddie comes near.
"At least write a 'thank you for your stay."
"Maddie, please stop." I lean back in my chair. I already know what's coming next, but Maddie will give another lecture.
And true enough, Maddie does not delay.
"Ana, I am not saying this for my good."
Maddie snatches the book away.
"Maddie!" My book? I look to see her in the eye.
"Are you going to listen now?"
I reach for the book, but she lifts it.
"Give that back." Why can't I just read? It's all I want to do. But Maddie steps back.
"Maddie, I don't- Just let me read!"
"You've been inside avoiding everyone since coming back."
"It's been more than enough time to settle things." Maddie stares down at me with no smile.
"I don't want any more excuses."
She's holding my book ransom. I give a straggled cry as Maddie tucks the book under her arm.
"Maddie-" I try one last time, but Maddie is a stone wall.
"Your luggage is long put away." Maddie continues.
"And Abina has been punished."
"I know, but-" I pale at the memory.
"You pulled out both her fangs, Ana. It's severe even for Nochten standards."
It is. Even Mykhol paled at the decision. It is no laughing matter to get one's fangs pulled.
"Vampires do not grow them back. "
"I couldn't think of another way." I sink.
"There wasn't any other way, Ana." Maddie goes, but her tone softens.
"But she is alive still because of you."
"Maddie?"
"You gave her a second chance. Abina can still live on."
"But it's still-" Maddie presses a finger on my lips.
"You can't regret the decisions you make as Empress, Ana."
Maddie touches my cheek to tuck my chin gently.
"But you showed great mercy." Maddie smiles softly, and I feel it break.
"Maddie," Tears fall down my cheeks.
Maddie smiles as she rubs them off with her thumb.
"But there is no more reason to put it off. Write to the prince."
"You want me to?" I falter at the mere mention of him.
His name transports me back to that day. I'm still standing there, just watching him run. It's so real that I can feel the snowflakes on my skin.
They burn where they fall.
It's not a question of wanting to write. On the contrary, I feel cold even next to the fire.
"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?" I whisper and hold my arms.
I don't think I could handle it. No, I won't. And I shiver as if freezing and squeeze my arms.
Nicoli.
"Hey," Maddie reaches again for my cheek. It's warm, and I lean into it. She's smiling softly.
"You won't know unless you try." Maddie curls her hair behind my ear, pushing my shawl with her as she does. My ear feels cold, and I swiftly move it back into place.
"But Maddie-"
"Only then will you know that."
"I…" Must I? I fidget my fingers.
Maddie again rubs my cheek.
"Are you having writer's block or something?" It's meant to be a joke. I know because I hear her laugh.
It makes me laugh a little too. But my fears find me again.
"I…what would I even write?"
"Even if I could. Everything that happened still seems so chaotic. Do I pretend? Apologize?"
Should I apologize?
"I didn't even know, and my cat-" I feel a rush of heat hit at the thought of my kitten. The cries he made and no one doing anything.
"He didn't deserve that."
My stomach twists as I can still hear it. I hate it. I want to go back and help.
But most of all, I want to go back to that terrible day.
"I…want to see him," I clench my eyes as the tears fall.
It hurts. It's never stopped.
It hurts to be away from him.
"I want it to be like before." I rub my eyes with my hands. I hate that I have to cry like this. I'm turning eight soon. I need to be in better control of myself.
But just thinking about it makes me cry all over.
"I don't want him to hate me."
"Ana," Maddie calls softly and moves. Her arms wrap around me, and pull into her warmth.
"Ana, listen. If you write-"
"Hello?" The door opens without even a knock.
Without announcing himself, Mykhol steps in. He takes one look around before finding me.
"Why is she crying?" Mykhol is up and over. He pushes Maddie aside to get a better look at me.
"Cousin, what is it?" His eyes are big as he looks me up and down.
"Why are you so upset?"
"Maddie says I should write ." I rub my cheeks to try to help. It feels even worse to have Mykhol see me cry.
"Write what, cousin?" Mykhol looks over to Maddie.
"What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything." Maddie snaps.
"I just said she should write a thank you-"
"A thank you!" Mykhol practically spits. "What kind of sick person are you? Ana, don't you listen to her." Mykhol shifts me behind him to glare at Maddie.
"She's not writing anything."
"Lord Mykhol?!" Maddie stands up. "I don't think you have any right to tell Ana-"
"And you do?" Mykhol scuffed with his fangs.
"Come Ana, I don't want you near this human." Mykhol goes for my hand but I refuse.
"It's just a letter to my brother." It's nothing bad. "And don't say that about Maddie." I move to stand with her.
I dare to be bold and grab her hand.
"Maddie is just saying I should. And maybe I might."
"To prince Nicoli?" Mykhol looks down at our hands before slowly looking up again. A funny expression stretches on his lips.
"What for? Has he sent a letter?"
"You know he has not."
If anyone knew, it would be you. But I don't need to say it. And neither does Mykhol.
"Then, why write?" Mykhol tsks before lifting his hand to me.
"Let him write first."
He holds it out as if it's supposed to do something. But I don't know what it is and after a moment, he frowns and puts it back down.
"If he wants to, that is."
"If he?" I repeat as it dawns on me that he hasn't written.
"No, It…has been some time."
Maybe that's a sign? Perhaps he really doesn't want anything to do with me?
Would writing now could be foolish?
I let go of Maddie to hold my arms again.
"Maybe I should wait." I swallow as the phantom snow stings my skin.
Perhaps, then, if he doesn't-
"What a childish thought!" Maddie snaps.
"Maddie?" She sounds unexpectedly angry. Her face is red, and her eyebrows fluffy. Her eyes look like they are on fire.
"I've never heard of such a bad- Don't listen to him, Ana." Maddie points at Mykhol.
"Write to your brother and forget this childish boy-"
"Childish?" Mykhol reels back.
"You dare call me-"
But Maddie waves her hand at him
"Yes, you. You are a big child." Maddie points at his face.
"Excuse me?" Mykhol's fangs drop.
"Do you know who you're speaking to, human? I am a noble-"
Maddie waves him off again to look back at me.
"Trust me, sweetie. Take my advice and write."
"Advice from a maid! Ha!" Mykhol growls. "You must think yourself quite highly."
"Well, I speak from experience. Unlike you, Lord Mykhol. Who seems to lack any maturity."
"What audacity- I could have your teeth pulled for disrespecting a noble. Yet you go on so blatantly insulting me to my face-"
"I'd like to throw my fist into your face. You weasel!" Maddie throws a threat.
"Weasel! You dare call me a." Mykhol lifts his hands to show his claws. His body stiffens as if ready to pose and strike.
"You wanna start, honey?" Maddie meanwhile lifts her hand into a fist as if to punch.
Are they going to fight?! I don't see either backing down.
No, I can't let them fight.
"Stop it!"
I already have enough to worry about. I don't need this right now.
"Leave. Both of you." I have to yell at both of them.
"I can't think with you two around."
I point my finger at the door to have them both drop their hands.
"Anastasia?" Mykhol is shocked. More at the fact I ever raised my voice.
Let alone yell at him.
"Ana?" Maddie, meanwhile, blinks. But I have to shake my head at both of them.
"I want to be alone," I point right at the door. "Leave."
Mykhol, however, seems to need help understanding.
"But cousin," Mykhol steps closer.
"If you're going to write… our agreement."
But I shake my head.
"Leave," I am even colder this time. It's not a suggestion anymore. It's an order.
But Mykhol steps closer.
"Cousin," Mykhol lowers.
"I could help you-"
"You heard her, Lord Mykhol." Maddie curtseys with no hassle.
"I will be outside waiting."
Maddie turns to go, not before giving Mykhol a knowing smirk. She leaves the door open on her way out.
Mykhol, however, still stands.
"And you, cousin Mykhol." I turn away to make for my desk.
"Anastasia?" Mykhols eyes shot directly to the hidden shelf. The look sends a shiver down my back. I know what he means by doing it.
But I refuse to back down.
"I want to be alone, cousin."
"Anastasia," Mykhol calls, but I refuse to look up. I move to pull out some paper.
"Cousin?" I test one last time.
"If that's what you wish, dear cousin." Finally, Mykhol sighs.
"I hope you know what you're doing." Mykhol farewells to leave.
I watch him close the door before I move for the quill. But after that, I stop. My stomach starts to twist.
Should I really do this?
I turn to look behind me at the window. It's bright but windy outside. A cool winter breeze blows through to push up the curtains. They encircle me for a moment.
The white sheets remind me of the snow, and I'm not at my desk anymore.
I'm in the center of the maze again. I am frozen in place like the fountain. Waiting for someone to come.
But will he really come?
I guess I will have to find out. I take a shallow breath before I move the quill to the paper.