*Nicoli*
"Smile, Your Highness." Another clown danced and honked his nose at the boy. But Nicoli only stared back quietly. His blue eyes looked bored, and the clown sighed.
"Happy birthday, your majesty." The clown gave up and bowed out. Nicoli saw him walk off toward his friends Philip and Tommy. Philip squealed with delight at the clown, and Tommy demanded a balloon animal.
They're having fun. Nicoli smiled weakly, seeing how the clown enthralled them. They looked so happy and carefree, like all the other children enjoying the circus.
But Nicoli couldn't share the sentiment.
Unable to react, Nicoli looked over his shoulder for the umpteenth time. His eyes scanned the face of the castle. A curtain shifted as if someone were looking out.
Ana? Nicoli stopped to train his sight on the window, but nothing happened. Whoever it was did not dare peek out again. They were not brave enough to show their faces.
I want to see you. Nicoli thought, but just as quickly, he felt something pull on his stomach. He also didn't. It was scary.
What would happen if I do? Nicoli could feel the dread crawling up his throat. He didn't know what would happen if they did.
How will she react? Nicoli longed for her to show her face. Even for a second, to see if she was okay.
Nicoli could feel something pull on his stomach. He rubbed it, but the feeling wouldn't go away. He was worried, but not just about how she'd react.
How will I? The question burned under his tongue. How would Nicoli react if he saw Ana now?
I want to talk to her. That part was genuine. Nicoli wished to speak, but only if he could manage it. Nicoli wasn't too positive if he could. The shock was still fresh and sore.
Everything seems so messy and formless in my head. Nicoli could only remember pieces. That morning, it just seemed like one big terrible nightmare.
What happened after he left Ana's was almost indescribable. All Nicoli could remember was screaming at the sight of his kitten. His screams were so painful that they didn't even seem like his.
Then, everything was out of order. Flashes of the rest of the day jumbled together in a broken heap. At some point, Nicoli was suddenly clinging to his father as some vampiress maid cried in the courtroom.
And then Ana was screaming and crying. Nicoli remembered the terrible sound. Ana was desperately pleading. She even looked at him for help, but Nicoli didn't know what to do.
I just hid my face. Nicoli thought with shame. But at the time, he didn't know what was happening. Ana was crying, and he was crying. And then everything went quiet.
Ana's cat was gone. And everyone left.
I haven't seen Ana since then. Nicoli thought.
Ana locked herself in her room. She didn't even come down for supper anymore. It was like Ana was not even here.
Worse. Nicoli thought with guilt, looking at the window. She doesn't even come down to see the circus.
At least come and see the bears with me, Nicoli willed, looking out the window. I wanted to see this with you, but Nicoli sighed heavily if you aren't here and kicked the dirt.
"This isn't fun anymore."
"If the circus doesn't please you. I can send the clowns away." Queen Belinda stroked Nicoli's head. Both her tone and face were affectionate.
Nicoli looked up at his mother and smiled, but not entirely. It was just the two of them today. His father suddenly had business and couldn't leave his 'office.' It was a lie, of course.
He's not busy, and Nicoli isn't stupid. They're trying to hide it, but Nicoli knew they were fighting again—and it seemed they had been since that morning.
Father won't even stay in the same room for long. He couldn't even bear to be at the circus if it meant being around his mother. Though his father never showed it on the outside, something was deeply troubling him again.
"No, mommy. I'm having fun." Nicoli lied with a smile. And he turned to look over just in time to catch the show. The bear was out and dancing on a ball.
It was all precisely what Nicoli hoped for. Everything was wonderful. But it didn't make him happy.
I want to see you, Nicoli thought, glancing back to the window to see the curtain shift.
Ana? Nicoli held his breath with hope. But it soon became apparent nothing would happen. The curtain would not move again.
*Ana*
It seems so bright and colorful down there. I find myself having to sneak another peak.
I know I shouldn't. Knowing what I am missing will not help me feel better, but the sound of the animals and clowns is too tempting.
And I know I won't get this opportunity again. I reason and push the curtain a little more to see it.
It does look fun down there. And everyone is enjoying how the clowns tease the animals. I could laugh then if not for catching sight of him first.
Even amongst the crowd, I somehow can find him. Like a sixth sense, I know where he is. But now, it's more like a curse.
Nicoli. I drop the curtain quickly in fear as I see him turn his head. Did he see me? I feel my heart jump into my throat.
No, he couldn't see me. I take a breath to calm myself. No, of course not. He's distracted with the circus. Yes, Nicoli is enjoying the circus, like everyone else.
It's not like he would be looking for me. I swallow down the unease. No, why would he? The thought settles me, but I feel numb too.
He isn't looking for me. I know. But I don't want him to know I'm watching him.
It could make things worse.
"Would it, though?" I ask myself quietly, looking at my hands. Could it get worse? I don't think so.
Since that wretched morning, I haven't left my room. I did try to go once. But it did not end well.
When I tried to step into the hall, my knees gave out. A cold sheet fell over me, and I froze. The idea of venturing out was just too much. And I couldn't do it. I haven't tried again.
Thankfully, Cousin understands. I have to admire Mykhol's tolerance. Despite my foolishness, Mykhol has been considerate. He stays with me and keeps me company.
I didn't think he could be so gentle, but I am grateful. I appreciate his companionship. Aside from Maddie, Mykhol has been the only other person I have seen.
Again, I am grateful for him. But still… I press a hand over the small hollow in my chest. It hurts oddly and feels cold.
What will I do now? The longer I wait in this room, the more time will pass. And with more time, Nicoli will get farther away.
But What if I do confront him? The same cold sheet crawls up my feet and legs. What if I did? How would Nicoli react if he saw me?
Would he be afraid of me?
Is Nicoli afraid of me? It's enough to make me sink at the prospect. Again, I feel my chest tighten. It's overwhelming. I can't think about it anymore.
I must step away from the window to find a familiar face. Mykhol smiles up at me from the couch. It's a patient smile. I find I like it better than his usual one.
"How was it?" Mykhol starts with a gentle push of his red bangs. He brushes them out of his face to help see.
I can't help but think he should just cut them if they are that long. But maybe Mykhol likes it that length. He seems to have taken the time to do his hair, even though I am the only one who sees it.
"See anything interesting out there?" Mykhol goes on, and I nod.
"I saw some lions."
"How lovely!" Mykhol opens his arms expectantly. I go to him. I am surprised at how quickly I've become more used to his need to touch me—even More so than before.
But it would be a lie to say I don't like it. I think and crawl in, and it makes me feel safe.
Mykhol immediately wraps his long arms around me. I shift my head under his neck, and he takes up my legs to be around him. It's pretty snug, but it feels warm.
Again, I'm glad he's here. I think with relief. Things might have been much worse if he wasn't.
Alongside Maddie, this isn't terrible. I take my blessings where I can. Maddie, however, doesn't seem content.
"Your Empress, how about we go down and see them?" Maddie is starting again. She quickly throws up another of her sunny smiles and steps forward.
"We can go see those lions and-"
"Give it a rest," Mykhol cuts over her. He gives Maddie a look that makes her frown, but she quickly pulls back up, never wanting to be down for long.
"I just think it's a shame her empress will miss the circus. She may never get another chance-"
"Maddie, please," I turn my head away. I've heard this before, but I don't have the strength to listen to it again.
"But, Ana-"
"Go yourself if you want to so badly.." Mykhol leans his head on top of me.
"But Ana wants to stay inside with me. " Mykhol snuggles his cheek into mine. "Isn't that right?"
"I'm just tired." It's not a lie. I suddenly feel so tired that I don't want to speak. The only thing I can manage is to move my eyes back to the window.
A quick flash of Nicoli pops into my mind. Bright costumes surround him. And Clowns are dancing around him. They make Nicoli laugh and smile.
Nicoli is happy and carefree—at least, I hope he is. I want him to be. I don't want him ever to be like he was that terrible morning.
Nicoli shouldn't ever need to cry or hide his face ever again. Nicoli can stay smiling and happy for the rest of his life. He has to be because it will be like nothing ever happened.
That terrible morning is long behind him.
I hope you're having fun. I wish before I close my eyes. I want you to be happy.
If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you, I think, before drifting to sleep.
Please, be happy.