The 'what ifs' sort of meddled with my train of thoughts and I found myself replaying the scenario whilst my clothing felt so stiff against my body, while my palms practically drowned sweat, terribly.
The soft RnB song breathed into the car as I had been quiet the entire time and again, that morning I had been left no choice but to endure a cold shower–my landlord was an entire case. I guess my body felt a bit stiff, but it didn't matter as the car drove smoothly and the rest of the noise, except the soft music, basically fell to the back of my head.
I held my bag, or better yet the bag my sister had borrowed me, against my lap as I sat there stiffly, unable to keep myself from thinking about that pantry and I had quit that very day and had sort of been letting it eat away at me for days, even when my sister had asked about my quitting–I had taped it shut. I didn't know why, but I sort of was so embarrassed about it.
I could still smell that man's after-shave and had been battling with thinking about just how far he had been willing to take it–how further his hands were to go. I still couldn't get the other girl's look out of my head either, the way she stared at me when I came to fetch my stuff and had just left, even how he had acted like he hadn't just tried something–I hated syrup for real.
My sister finally parked the car, but still, I couldn't help myself–I was thinking about it.
My hair was tied been neatly on top of my head as I sat there, with my sister probably saying something that I couldn't catch as I went through every detail in my head–again. I had been forced to borrow one of her blouses, at least the one that fit, and it was nice enough to not draw unnecessary attention–after all I was looking for a job. I just didn't follow on the drama of those dress pants she had bought for me, I was just going for an interview–the job was yet to be mine.
I was doing my best to not sweat a lot much, though the weather was encouraging my body to just break out in it–I couldn't afford to be drenched.
The car finally pulled up and to my relief, we were in front of the building–it looked so daunting before my eyes. My palms felt soaked. The building right before my eyes stood a bit too fancy for me, I suddenly felt a bit out of my lane and the people that I was watching step out of it didn't bring me any relief either–I sort of wanted to vomit.
I wiped my palms down the pants I was wearing.
Even my clothes suddenly felt too tight, the blouse's spherical neck a bit too close to my throat, and the waistline of those pants just about the tightest I had ever felt–I fumbled with my seatbelt. My sister's car reeked of lavenders so much so that the scent began to dryly clench around my throat, strongly.
I sort of jumped into reality as my sister's hand came to rest over mine, very gently. "Are you okay?"
I lifted my head. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"It's okay, you're nervous," she offered me a smile, her soft eyes shining a tint close to a watery tone of emerald and gold.
By nervous I was sure she didn't mean the feeling which was dancing uncomfortably inside my stomach, making my breakfast feel a little too close and the rest of my body a bit numb–I had no idea how I was to get out of that car with my knees that weak.
The building waited though.
I took a deep breath, eyes closed shut as I tried to imagine this as something which I could easily do by myself–something I could achieve with my eyes closed. My breasts were pressed uncomfortably together but the blouse wasn't so inappropriately low cut, so it covered my chest generously. This was the reason my breasts were practically gliding in sweat at that very moment–I sort of wanted to flee.
My sister's eyes were on me, just as her hand was over mine–she wasn't letting go.
The skies looked pretty blue, sort of like it agreed that this was my day–that I already had this job in the bag. I had no clue as to why I had even decided to apply for it, besides the fact that I had all the required qualifications, especially where it was located, and really, I wasn't trying to discriminate but, truth be told, I wasn't necessarily certain I could fit into the aesthetic. I had done enough research via Google and hence why I sort of had the urge to just let this one go–I didn't want to embarrass myself.
I turned to my sister fully, hands resting against my lap. "This isn't first grade, I'll be fine."
My sister smiled. "You didn't look this nervous first day of school."
The skies were so clear that I just wished my whole self would feel as calm as it looked.
"That's because I had been bragging about it for months, I couldn't wait to go to school," I said, shaking my head slightly.
"Yeah. . .and you made friends that first day, " she sighed.
I held her hand, tightly and looked right into her eyes, which were shining softly with speckles of a slight green. "It's just an interview, I'm not enlisting or something, Sis."
"I'm glad you're doing this, you know."
The softness in her eyes brought out the image of that look I had gotten just days ago, the one I couldn't get my head to clear.
I could hardly get the day to leave my mind.
I hadn't reported it, I didn't feel like even talking about it either–I wanted to forget that place.
I wanted to start over, I guess.
"You're very sentimental, but. . .I love you," I said, going in for the hug she had just offered–her arms parted widely to welcome me into an embrace, despite the weather. Then again, the car felt better than the outside. City air could be a bit dry at times, especially when the heat was at such temperatures and I was sure my hair was probably going to feel dry by the end of this day.
"You need to go," she let out a soft laugh. "You can't be late."
l offered her one last smile and took my purse with me.
I was sure that I was overdressed and really, whoever had said you could never be was neither ethnic nor had ever heard that being said right back to their faces, let alone from this era.
My shoes clicked, quite noticeably, all the way through those fancy glass doors.